Thanks again everyone. I am going to stay strong. My son has sociopathic tendencies. He makes an effort to go to treatment just to get people off his back but really doesn't want to go. He goes for a week then figures he can scam another 3 weeks or a month at my home saying he is waiting to go to a new treatment centre. My eyes have been open to this one. He just sets it up, waits at my house for weeks to go while he continues to use drugs, then gets kicked out and is back at my place. It's a game. This way he can continue to live his lifestyle and look like he's trying to change. He doesn't want to change at this point, that is clear. He does not want to work, go to school or do anything but get high as that is the easy route. He wants me to leave him alone and let him stay at my house so he can live his drug addict lifestyle. Until he wants to change his life I cannot make him no matter what I do, I realize that now. I will go to Alanon Meetings, or NA, not sure which one but it's for families of Drug addicts. I need to do this to understand where he is at. He is at a very selfish place, I do know that. He only cares about his drugs and uses people. I also know that he does not love himself that is why he is incapable of loving anyone else. Hannelore, your quote was a good one, thanks. Dotsie, you are right, at the moment he is not my son, my son is lost.
Thanks to the others too. I will continue to post and I hope it will help others in my situation.
Kate

alanon for frends and family of alcoholics. Narcotics annonimiouse is for the addict it's like AA only for drug users and nar annon is for the frends and family of drug addicts or even ex drug addicteds. Hope that helps

stay strong kate ya got my prayers, and your son as well

celtic_flame

Thank you celtic_flame, I did look up the Narnon group in my area and plan to go in the new year. I am going to bring my other two children to the group too. They seem ok but have been very affected by their brothers lifestyle and behaviour.
I can't do anything for my son, but I can do something for myself and my other children. My ex-mother in-law wants to come too as she needs some support. Both grandmas have been there for my son big time and he uses them too. Sad but true.
Hope you have a wonderful New Years whatever you are planning to do, make it safe. That goes for all of you wonderful boomer women. Cheers!
Kate

it'sgreat that your taking control of your life and helping your other kids and even the grandparents, wow.

unfortunitly addiction is termed as a family disease as one person has the ability to affect somany others or all otherrs in their family.

He's your son and i am sure you love him even if sometimes you'd want to kick his bum youve dun all you can at the minet and it's great your putting your energy into you, wear you have the control to effect change and helping gide your other children, thats the best thing you could do at the minuet.

goodluck at nar annon, i have some experience in one form or another with all those groups, my work and also personal matters, they might be a bit diffrent from uk to usa but basic structure be the same i think, so feel free to pm me or chat to me throw the boards if you ever want to bleather (chat) about the organiasions or how your progess is going, they got a good programme going in the groups too. you find some wonderfull woman and men their it's a great place to share your troubles and burdens and get a listening ear and a solusion to what you can do to help yourself, their a lot of wisdom in most of the long term mebers of thse groups,

goodluck and god bless

celtic_flame

I just read over my original post and your responses. In hindsight he should have never come to my house. Things have just gotten worse and worse. My son only got out in November and it feels like two years. I did write that I had to ask him to leave in December as he was just spinning his wheels and basically not working on getting into treatment. The only reason I let him stay here is because he said he was going to treatment. Back to his old manipulating ways.
He moved in with a friend when I kicked him out and his friend got him work but he screwed that up by sleeping in and getting fired. He made $100 per day and blew it all. Now just got evicted from his friends house for not paying his rent. His only friend is now getting tired of his behaviour and doesn't want to help him anymore. Plus he borrowed money from lots of people and can't pay it back. They will beat him up soon if they don't get paid. He wants me to help him financially and let him stay at my house again. Says he will go to treatment.
I told him that he cannot stay here and to go to a shelter. I realize that the shelter is not a great option as it is a dirty scary place, but he will get food there, a mattress for the night and the Salvation Army will help him to find a place, get him welfare until he gets another job, help him get counselling etc. His response. No fffffing way.
I'm not a bum, I don't go to shelters or the Salvation Army. Let me stay at your house. My response, no. So he came over to my house. I had been sweeping the front doorway and left the door unlocked. He just barged in, helping himself to food, the computer, said let me stay here. I told him to leave and the chaos began. Him screaming at me calling me the B word, the C work, said I'm retarded, mental, unstable etc. etc. A barrage of abuse followed. He then told me I would be sorry as he was going to kill himself and it would be all my fault. He has said this before. Went on saying stuff like what kind of a mother am I turning away her own son. It went on and on. I told him he had to leave or I would call the police. He asked me to drive him somewhere and I did just to get rid of him but asked him to promise not to kick my car as he had done in the past. He said he wouldn't but when I dropped him off at his friends (I had suggested to him to go back to his friends and try to work something out) He got out of the car, yelling and screaming at me kicked my car repeatedly, punched my window trying to break it. Of course I drove off.
I am putting two and two together now. For the past few months I have been getting more and more depressed. I am not connecting with my kids and just go home from work, veg out in front of the TV and avoid life. I still go work out 5 times a week as it helps with stress but that's it. I couldn't figure out why my youngest son was so angry, he's changed. Now it all seems so clear. He started changing and acting out when he knew my son was getting out of jail.
I need to do something before our entire family falls apart. I am even thinking of moving which would be a drastic step but I don't think my son is going to change anytime soon if ever. He is so self involved. He only calls when he wants money and never acknowledges birthdays etc. It was my daughters birthday on Saturday and I asked him to at least say Happy Birthday to her and he said he's too stressed out as he's now homeless. It's all about him. I'm calling his probation officer today to asked for a no contact order. I need to distance myself from him and fast.
Kate

Kate, I am so sorry to hear that you are still dealing i
with this. I am in total agreement with you about calling his probation officer. I know it's got to be tough since he's your son, but he's still very troubled and addicted and needs help. I guess our prayer should be that he hits rock bottom and seeks help for his addiction. Beneath all this is your dear son whom you havne't gotten a peek of in a very long time.

Do you wnat to consider the pros and cons of moving with us? I'm afraid your other kids might be angry if you move becasue they may think you are doing it to get away from your addicted son. Is thsi fair to take your other children away from what they are comfortable with...their home and friends? Just thinking out loud here.

Please keep exercising and see if you can get soemone to talk to for your depression which seems to be appearing for a very significant and real reason. Sending prayers and thoughts your way.

Thanks Dotsie,
My kids want to move. The are sick of having to deal with my son, and what it does to our household when he is around. I'm not talking about moving away, I'm talking about changing houses so he can't find us again. They would still go to the same school, have the same friends. He knows where we live now so continues to come over without notice then goes into a rage and won't leave. The damage he does when he has these outbursts is huge.
I have an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow to keep my stress level in check and to discuss my depression.
I did call his PO and he suggested I go to the police station and file a complaint so I can get a no-contact order. This way he has to stay away from my house and myself or he will be charged with mischief. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers.
Kate

What would happen if you called the police when he barged into your home?

I have done that many, many times. They come guns a blazing. It's such over kill. The embarrassment is too much. Usually five cars show up and police dogs. One time they even shut down my entire street. My son is listed on the police system as violent so they have to do that. I will do it if necessary. He called me again today at work and I told him not to call me or come to my house. I told him that I am filing a no-contact order. He just doesn't get it. Seemed quite shocked and just hung up. That is the difficulty with him. He just doesn't get it. He has no idea how his behaviour affects others. His PO says he can only see what is here and now, doesn't look ahead, doesn't understand body language clues etc. I told him that there is so much help available to him but I can't help him. He needs to set up something with people who can help him and stop calling me.
Kate

Kate,
I am so very sorry to hear your story. I went through this as well, although not to your extreme. You are wise to really focus on taking care of your other children right now. Your son really can't see another point of view. That's the drugs talking. The most difficult thing for me was truly trying to understand my son's thought process (or lack thereof!). They don't think things all the way through, their needs are immediate -- right now, right now -- is all they know. Until they are clean and sober for quite a while, they don't even have a glimmer about what we are talking about. In the program my son is in now, they pair them up. One of the guys said they do that because "an addict can think of something stupid to do and do it in 5 seconds flat." By having a peer, they learn to look out for each other's stupidness. It also teaches them to think about someone other than themselves.
You have done a lot -- take care of yourself and your other kids. Do you have a support group? Al-anon? Something? Feel free to write privately if you wish.

Hugs and peace in your heart and home.