I am writing this only because I found out today that Dianne lives close to me and I checked out her website.

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, over 20 years ago. I have admitted this to very few people and still am ashamed to admit that I was once a "victim".

My life has changed so much since then.

I am wondering, how have other women's life been affected by having lived in an abusive relationship? How do you feel about yourself now, after the abuse?

Ann

Ladies what a wonderful subject Anno, we the victims of abuse have not one thing to feel ashamed of, we were the victims, not the abuser. We were also the one finally strong enough to put an end to our suffering...Do not ever feel ashamed or alone. Some of us, more than you might imagine have been absed either mentally or physially by some male "coward". Its we who have broken away that can help heal those still being victimized by their cowardly companions, just seeing that we survived.....I believe sharing our past is vital as we never know how maybe just one sentence we speak will help another woman break away and put an end her torment...I wasn't slapped or punched but sometimes being lied to constantly, cheated on or mentally tortured can be nearly as bad. I don't trust men anymore and unfortunately my suspicions have been right on enough since my divorce, that I no longer care to be bothered. I prefer my own company or my girlfriends to any mans....

Anno, you have nothing to be ashamed of. We are the survivors, not the abusers. I am stronger today than I ever was while married to my abuser, and we were married for almost 25 years. The abuse was mental, verbal, sometimes physical, and I didn't realize it was abuse until I became educated. That gave me the strength to leave the relationship.

I don't consider myself a victim, but a survivor. Every chance I get I try to educate people (men and women) about what constitutes abuse, and it doesn't have to be battering or anything else physical.

I was ashamed, at first, to admit that I had been abused. Eventually I understood that I needn't be; I hadn't done anything wrong. Now, I can look back on that part of my life and thank my Creator that I had that experience because it made me who I am today. I am definitely stronger, more outspoken, and less fearful than I was then.

So, Anno, think of yourself as a survivor. I think there is a different mindset in being a survivor rather than a victim.

I am one of the "fortunate" ones. My marriage ended before it had the chance to escalate to physical violence. My son and I are still dealing emotionally with the results of the years of emotional abuse but life is sooo much better.

My son knows he is in a place where mistakes are allowed and he knows that you can learn from them. This is so much better than when he was scared of his own shadow and we walked around his Dad on eggshells - never knowing what would set him off.

I think it is our duty as survivors to tell our stories to others and educate them that what is happening must stop.

The decision to speak up and "fight" to end the marriage was made when I realized that my son's personality was changing. Somehow, I could deal with what my ex was doing to me - I married the guy - but my son didn't deserve to be in a place where he was always told how bad he was. A child learns by what he sees... so... I knew I had to change things to allow him to grow up seeing that people are good and life is full of possibilities. I have succeeded...

Thanks
As much as I KNOW I have nothing to be ashamed of and as much as I KNOW that I am a survivor and as much as I KNOW that I have grown and am SO beyond all of this, it still haunts me, in the back of my mind, that I allowed this to happen.

I know the psychology - he was weak, he was sick, he was ill - I still know that "love" allowed me to stay. I know that I made a mistake in staying and I know that it will never happen again.

I also know that I will never quite get over the fact that I alowed another person to control me, to define me. I have not given up on men; I love a man right now like I have never before. But my past defines the ways that I live with my new man and as much as I pray that it is healthy, I still fear that I give too much, at some times.

Thank you for letting me feel safe here. Thank you for your support - thank you for being yourselves.

I firmly believe that God puts people in our life to allow us to grow and learn. As hard as the experience was, it sounds like you have learned a great deal about yourself and you have learned about what other people are capable of.

I agree, I don;t think you ever get over that you let someone control you... but... you have to use that experience to make yourself stronger. Your life lesson will never allow you to be controlled again.

The man in your life now was chosen based on who he is and who he is not. That choice shows that you have grown and are a better, stronger and healthier person! You go girl!

Anno, I appreciate your willingness to open up about this. Being in an abusive relationship of any kind is a shame-based life and even after we've left we still have what I call, a residue of shame. It's almost on a cellular level. I believe our cells absorb a lot of negative emotions.

Today, I don't even like the word survivor because it says I survived this man who beat me with his fists and his words and I feel this gives him too much power. I like the word, thriver. I've moved on so far beyond him and what he did.

It will taint how you act and think but I feel it's a protection so you won't go through it again. There is nothing wrong with that either. And, if you feel you give too much in this current relationship it could very well be that you are just a giving person. But, if it takes away from the real you and what you want for yourself and you don't feel it's appreciated, just back off and see what happens.

After we've left an abusive relationship, it causes us to doubt our decision-making skills. "How could I have allowed someone to control me like that?" The truth is, these guys are very good at what they do and it's slow starting and we don't even know it's happening. Then, it escalates before we know it. Then, we feel trapped and we are in a way. Trapped in our fears of the unknown so we stay with what we know. It's difficult to pull up roots and start over. The abuser knows this too. They are very sly.

How do I feel today? Empowered, free, happy and brave.

Ladies, FYI: Dianne is going to be our Featured Author in October. I highly recommend reading her book and joining in her caht next month. Her book is excellent. It not only tells her story, but explains so much about healing and moving on.

Ann, as your friends are saying here, your shame may be real to you, yet you have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame belongs to the perpetrator of abuse, and you have taken it on as your own. You don't need to feel that shame. Your shame is actually a lie; your abuser(s) lied to you when they projected the shame onto you. Let them take the shame back where it belongs. Shame does not belong in the heart of the authentic you which is full of love and light. I'd like to address something Donna said: "I think it is our duty as survivors to tell our stories to others and educate them that what is happening must stop." I used to think it was a duty, but then realized not every one has the calling to tell their story. Each person is responsible only for their own healing first. IF that person/survivor feels a calling, a mission, a passion to tell her story to benefit others, then that is GREAT. It is only through advocacy and education that DV will be alleviated. However, it is not the duty of the survivor to tell her story. You see, that puts even more burden on the survivor: she may ask of herself this: I lived it, I survived it, and now it's my duty to talk about it? Not everyone has a voice to share their story. That's why there are people like Dianne who take on the mission to share...so that others who are suffering do not feel as though they are alone. I tell my story with courage, compassion, and conviction that MY truth had to be told for OTHERS. But I don't expect every other survivor to take on the task of telling. Yes, we must tell our stories in therapy or in group support, but to treat sharing as a duty is sometimes too much to ask of a survivor who has been through hell. I agree with Dianne about semantics: to thrive empowers the victim/survivor. October is domestic violence awareness month. Dianne's book is the perfect choice! Meanwhile, Ann, know that you are not alone, and that you don't have to feel ashamed anymore.

Ann, you asked how formerly abused women feel now. I can emphatically state that I am not a victim any longer! I've been married to my second husband since 1988. I came to the marriage with a lot of fears and baggage. Having been a victim of DV in a first young marriage, and as a witness to it when I was a child, I really did not know how to conduct a relationship with respect and boundaries. But I had tons of therapy, including classes like "assertiveness training" and my now husband and I went to marriage counseling. He knows only a little about my first so-called marriage. (although I wrote a book about it, my husband has not read my book cover to cover) How I feel now is that my second husband has been a catalyst toward healing my wounds of the past by his ever present compassion & kindness. I feel as though I learned a lot about relationships, and yet I have a lot to learn. However, if anything should happen to my now husband, I know I would find it hard to trust another, even with all the empowerment, experience, and education I've had. Once burned...I have also released any shame regarding being a sexually abused child and a victim of domestic violence. The shame that I lived with day and night is a total goner, and I am filled instead with gratitude for who I am now and who I am becoming each day.