I am having some really horrible feelings and thoughts about my daughter's upcoming wedding and wouldn't mind other's perspective. She is marrying into a very "ethnic" family, shall we say? His Mom is very controlling and has her nose into everything. Last night they had an engagement party, which they chose to do themselves, because in my family, this is not normally done. His Mom came up to me at the party and because she speaks broken english, I am not exactly sure of what she was trying to say. But the jist of it was "you love your daughter, I love my son." and then went on to say we should surprise them. I thought she was talking about a shower. But she said no, the engagement. And from that point on, I was trying to understand what she was trying to say, but with great difficulty. But what I got was this - I think she was trying to say that we should pay for this engagement party that THEY chose to do. I was very taken back that she would even have the gall to ask such a thing. Now - we are not wealthy. We are the average american family. I also have 2 other children that will someday be married and I feel we should help out equally. We have told our daughter that we will give them a certain amount of money to help out with the wedding, but there is no way we can pay for the whole thing. These kids want alot and his family is very large. Our is not. I feel if they want all this extra stuff - then they can pay for it. - example - he is talking about having a cigar bar at the wedding. Alot has already happened that I am feeling very slighted about. When I was a bride, all gifts went to the brides house. Here they went to the groom's parents house. There has been talk about the shower. My daughter wants it in a hall with both sides together. But how am I gonna communicate with this woman. I am the brides Mom and I refuse to allow her to run the show.There are certain things that I wanted to do for my dau
ghter for her wedding and I feel it is all being taken away from me. I know this is long, but there is so much more to it...I am looking for some advise. Has anyone gone thru anything similar? Am I being unfair? Is this "stinkin thinkin? HELP!!! Thank You for listening!

I read this earlier today and stepped back from it a bit and then came back. It bothers me for you. Although I don't have any wisdom to offer, I can tell you what I WOULD DO.

If it were my daughter, then I would be calling the shots. Language barrier or not, I would very nicely, but very adamantly state that NO, that did not suit me, and we would NOT be doing this. I would say YES to what I wanted to agree to, and an absolute NO to the things I did not.

Emotional blackmail would not work with me, and between this woman and others, isn't this what it amounts to? They are playing on your emotions, because it IS an emotional time.

I believe in this. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And they better understand it from the get-go. It would NOT be taken away from me. First and foremost, I would have a talk with my daughter and explain what you COULD and COULD NOT, or WOULD NOT do. End of story. Anything else they wanted to do, so be it. They would be on their own.

Secondly, I would tell the other woman that you do not agree with the "surprise" and if she insist on doing it, two things would happen. She would be footing the bill, AND you would be informing you daughter. TAKE BACK CONTROL. It's YOUR daughter and you have every right to voice your opinion.

I not saying that you should go in and bulldoze the place and everybody in your path. But TELL THEM how you feel and what you WILL and WON'T do before it is too late and then YOU have built up all of this resentment. This special day would be ruined for you ... Don't let that happen.

I wish you the very best in figuring this all out!

JJ

Oh J.J., you said it well, and I feel exactly the same way. I didn't run into those issues when my daughter got married 15 months ago. I really think his parents knew it was the girl's family who was "in charge" of the wedding plans since they had girls of their own. However, I will say that I called his mom every single time there was a date to be discussed regarding the engagement, shower and even baby shower. I wanted to be sure she was available before I went on with the planning. She was very appreciative that I asked her first before any final bookings. She also asked if there was anything she could do, and even offered her house for one of the parties. I refused and said I would prefer to have it out in a restaurant and she graciously stepped back. Yes, we are different too in many ways, but we RESPECT each other and will continue to do so. I doubt that we ever will be best of friends since we don't have very much in common (other than our children's marriage), but that is fine, so long as we are cordial to each other. Craftyone...if you don't fix this now, things will be her way forever. By that I mean, where all the holidays will be spent and issues with grandchildren as well. I agree with J.J., a sit-down talk with your daughter is in order, RIGHT NOW!

BRAVO, JJ thats exact and excellent advice. It leaves nothing to chance and tells it straight and to the point...Craftyone, listen to what she's said and you can't go wrong. I agree fully and thats what needs to be done. Ever notice how some people speak NO english or speak it badly until they have a point to make and then they can become quite clear...

Thank You Ladies! I know in my heart what you say is true. I called my daughter tonight to ask her if they had recouperated from the party and to see if they opened their gifts. She sounded down, but said she was tired. She worked all day - so that is possible. She and her fiance want to come over and talk, but its gonna be a little bit before we can do that, unfortunately. We have busy schedules and opposite ones too. But WE WILL get to do this. I just have that feeling that she is gonna tell me we are being cheap. I honestly don't think its her talking, but all the ouside influences. I am just not a believer in working your butt off and giving it all to your kids. They need to earn it just like we had to...and still are...My parents paid for half of our hall and my dress - that was it. His parents paid for the flowers, the rehearsal dinner (which was at their house) and I think the booze too. But we paid for the rest. And we made our way thru life earning it - no one ever gave us anything. I think it made us stronger. I do not regret it at all. I think if they do have an issue with us, I am going to bring up the episode with the mother. AND I am going to tell them exactly how I am feeling and thinking, and get it all out in the open. I just needed to hear from someone unbiased that I was doing the "right" thing. I don't want to alienate anyone. Thank You for your input. It helps tremendously.

Have your talk with your daughter soon. Try not to let anything else get in the way. The sooner the better. Otherwise, things will fester and get blown out of control.

My daughter got married last November and we and the "in-laws" worked everything out equally. We paid for the dress, the cake, flowers, etc. They paid for the reception, food, booze, honeymoon, etc. We got it all straightened out through my daughter. It was her wedding so all decisions went through her. But, we remained reasonable. And she understood this. She didn't make any outrageous requests in the middle of plans, and that made things go much smoother. So smooth, in fact, that I surprised her and her sister with a morning at the spa on her wedding day.

Don't let this woman run the wedding, because she'll be running your daughter's life afterward. And like was said, you'll come in second when it comes to holidays and such. Get everything out in the open with your daughter, let your feelings be known, but try not to make it all about you. That will just turn your daughter off and she might get angry with you.

I wish you much success and congratulations on the marriage of your daughter!

A wedding can be so stressful for everyone, when really it should be a day of joy and celebration.

I don't have any daughters (just sons) but I firmly believe that the bride and groom should choose what they want to do, not the parents of either of them. I've seem more parents trying to control everything and then the wedding couple don't get what THEY want. It is, after all, THEIR wedding.

Now I don't mean you should pay for everything. Some friends of ours told their daughter they would give her X amount of dollars for the whole shebang - rehearsal dinner, wedding, etc - and they could spend it as they pleased. Then they offered to physically help with anything they could. The daughter was SO happy to be able to plan her own wedding without both sets of parents competing for control. It was a wonderful day for everyone!

Sounds like a reasonable solution to me - please let us know how it works out for your family. And try to enjoy this special time in your daughter's life!

Kathy

Could this be a different culture thing? A lot can get lost in translation when you can't understand what is being said. I'd find someone who speaks both languages well to interpret what exactly is being asked for.

Emotions run so high during weddings. I was complaining about my ex on this site last year when my son was getting married and his refusual or inability to help out. In the end, he paid for his half of the debts required.

My son and wife paid and planned their own wedding. One reason is both sides of the family live far away. But, everything was exactly how they wanted it and we gave them money as a gift to help with the costs and another gift for something they needed...air conditioning as they live in the desert and didn't have any!!!!

If you can't afford to pay for something like a cigar bar, tell them so or let the groom pay for it. It's his idea! If he wants to look good before his friends and family, he should be willing to pay for it.

As someone mentioned earlier, be careful that this doesn't create long lasting bad feelings. Do what you can or are willing to do and stick to your guns.

I feel for you!

Since she didn't mention what culture it is, I don't know, but I think JJ gave you some excellent advice. Stand up for yourself, speak to your daughter and DON'T let anyone talk you into something you don't want to do and can't afford to do. As you say, this is not your only child. But it is your daughter and you are the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE.

Louisa

Well - enter the second chapter of the saga of the wedding. We sat down last night with my daughter and future son-in-law. It turned ugly. I am very upset and my husband is very angry and I wonder now if we will ever have a good relationship with him. My SIL (son-in-law) wanted to know how much we were going ot pay for this wedding. He proceeded to tell us that his Mother paid for that engagement party I told you all about. Now....my husband thought SIL was VERY disrespectful in some of his comments. One of which was reference to how much of a gift they got from a relative of ours. Another was his incinuation that we were not doing enough for our daughter. SIL proceeded to ask if what in terms of $$$ he can count on in gifts from our side. My husband blew his cork. We tried to tell them that if they cannot afford the wedding they want then they need to tone it down. SIL started to blame my dtr because she wanted a certain hall and they signed for it, but now he says its too expensive. This is just a tip of the iceberg that crashed thru here last night. I am very concerned about my dtr. We have never before seen this side of SIL. She is very stressed out and is coming apart at the seams. If this man is such a spoiled baby that is tied to Mom's apron strings and Mom pays for everything, what kind of a life is this going to be for her. Especially if he does not get his way with things. Anyone have any wise words for me? My husband says this is not over and he is very hurt and angry that this young man would come into our home and speak to us this way.