Casey,
My first husband's name for me was "dingbat". We went to buy furniture and he would say, "Just keep your mouth shut, dingbat, and let me handle it." He couldn't even get a GED! He shoved me down when I was pregnant with my first child because I accidentally let the garage door down on his precious car among other things until finally when our daughter was 2, he came home and told me I was fat and getting old at 22 and he had been cheating on me with my best friend who was 19 at the time.

My second husband was a rageacholic and a CEO of a very large corporation. We lived in constant fear of his temper but he was gone most of the time. Still, his behavior has deeply affected the lives of his children.

My third husband was the most kind, intelligent and loving man I have ever known. His love was a blessing and he completely "adopted" my children and grandchildren. I loved him with all my heart. His death was devastating. I keep his ashes with me and sometimes I just hold the container and cry. I miss him so much. My daughters keep his picture where they can see it and be reminded of him and his love for them. My grandchildren all called him "Grampy" and I can still see the light in his eyes which reflected a beautiful soul.

You all know about this last marriage. I should have become suspicous when he didn't care to meet my parents and tried to keep my family and friends away from me.

Then he tried to change the way I looked, long vs short hair, the way I dressed, bought me the kind of clothes he liked to see women in. Put down any activity I enjoyed other than what he wanted to do. Put down my taste in food, in art, put me down for reading books, for liking classical music and for not liking doowop music, for liking the theatre and movies and even for liking wine.

I don't even know who I am anymore and as some of you have indicated, it is true that we have a tendency to become comfortable in the position as the victim. Being a victim gives us identity and