Originally posted by Daisygirl:
Today I had a job interview and it went really well. I'm really excited about it...I don't know why I am so hard on myself. I sometimes have to have a talk with myself about lightening up a little and giving myself a break.

First, congratulations Daisygirl! Keep us posted on the outcome of that! And I constantly have to remind myself to "lighten up" and have more fun with myself.

Duh, I was proud of myself for not hanging around for more abuse...I think I've learned that my decisions (and instincts) are usually right and when they're not I just live with it.

This is an EXTREMELY important thing to keep in mind when we discuss therapists...in the end, WE know what clicks and what doesn't. It's what my next post is going to be about.

I learned that when I am feeling bad, the best therapy is retail. he-he Just kidding.
Hey, I learned that too, and I'm not kidding! Sometimes a stroll through a shopping mall is not such a bad idea. I used to shop for myself, but now have found it immensely uplifting, when I'm depressed, to go shopping for some little thing for my 4-1/2 year old granddaughter. It's fun and takes me out of myself for a little while...and she certainly loves the little surprises I find for her...it might be just a colouring book, but it's the hunting for the one with the unicorns on the front that makes it fun.

[ September 29, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Originally posted by kygal:
My family doctor still doesn't have a clue to meds and especially withdrawal from them. When I mentioned electric shock feelings on withdrawal (and I mentioned them more than once), all she had to say was "Interesting."
I went through a disastrous "detox" episode while coming off one AD and starting a new one, all on the advice of my GP. It literally almost killed me. I learned afterward, while researching the PROPER way to detox, that coming off the first AD cold turkey was like coming off cocaine cold turkey.

and the last thing we need to hear from someone is "What have you got to be sad about, you have so much going for you." If they could only truly understand!
Part of my hope when I published "Eagle" was that it would not only help people who are struggling with depression, but also help provide a glimmer of insight into what's going on inside of their loved ones who are depressed.

If people could only understand that depression is as much an illness as any other disease, they would have a little more compassion. Unfortunately any illness that has anything to do with the mind seems to be open to verbal abuse and cruel stigmatization.

I hate that phrase! What have you got to be sad about, you have so much going for you. Baloney, sometimes the happiest times of my life turns into depression. Stress is stress, no matter if it something good that is happening or something bad. It affects me. Thank Goodness, I found a Christian Doctor ( who has retained me as a patient for those of you know that story) who recommended me to a wonderful therapist that I dealy love. She's cut me loose telling me that I'm doing great, but if I run into trouble with SAD to call her and we would have regular appointments again. She's wonderful.

Dianne, it surely is an awesome miracle when you find that kind of therapist. Both Dr Reynolds and my last therapist, Dr Qadeer (he wrote the forward in my book) were God-sends for me.

During my last devastating crash, my GP was very little help. I had to find Dr. Qadeer by myself, by searching the Internet! That was hard, because I was so burnt out, severely depressed and becoming suicidal. But out of all the people I could have contacted from that online research, Dr. Qadeer's office was the first place I called, and Dr Q ended up being the most amazing answer to prayer that I could have found. He was exceptionally caring and compassionate and helped me far beyond my somewhat jaded expectations.

Sherri, I'm so happy for you that you found both this doctor and therapist. It makes such a huge difference knowing that we have a reliable safety net to fall back against when we hit those especially precarious dark nights of the soul.

I’m glad that Daisy wrote: “I was proud of myself for not hanging around for more abuse...I think I've learned that my decisions (and instincts) are usually right”. It fits right in with my own therapist story this morning. Daisy’s point is exactly the point I want to make by telling this one. It’s extremely personal for me, but, hey, I’m an open book now, right?!

Dr Reynolds had continued to see me as an outpatient for many years after my release from the hospital in 1984. When he switched jobs and was no longer able to accommodate clients on an on-going outpatient basis, we both decided I was ready to “fly on my own” again.

I lasted for a couple of years, but then started having panic attacks and decided to go back for a few more sessions. Dr R was not available, so I went to this new therapist on the recommendation of a good friend of mine. I didn’t really like this guy (we’ll call him Dr J) right from the beginning (which is a warning sign we should listen to but often don’t), but hung in there because I didn’t want to disappoint the friend who had recommended Dr J to me. But over the weeks, I felt increasingly uncomfortable with Dr J, but couldn’t quite put my finger on why not.

To the exclusion of everything else, Dr J was fascinated with my relationship with Father Basil, a Catholic priest who had been my first therapist at the very beginning of my breakdown. Someone should write a book about Fr. Basil, he’s an awesome person…but that’s another story. In my mind and heart, there will never be any doubt that Fr. Basil saved my life. And it was Fr. Basil who finally convinced me to get more help than he could provide. Which is why I checked myself into the hospital. Once I was under someone else’s care there, Fr. Basil stepped out of my life, out of professional courtesy. While I understood that, it also hurt, because by that time Fr. Basil had become a major fixture in my life. He was not only my therapist, but had become a good friend as well. I was very involved in the church and we had many mutual friends and spiritual gatherings, which had us traveling in the same circles on a fairly regular basis. I had a hard time letting go, not so much Fr. Basil the therapist, but Fr. Basil the friend; but I quickly became immersed in my recovery, and was diligently moving myself onward and upward.

Dr. J however, latched onto this relationship and INSISTED that I was in love with Fr. Basil. It was not the first time I had dealt with that question but had been brutally honest with myself when it had first come up with Dr Reynolds. Dr R and I worked it through and both decided that the answer was no; while I had a profound respect and genuine affection for Fr. Basil, I was not, nor ever had been, in love with him. So I told this to Dr J, but he refused to accept that answer. He egged me on, insisting that I was wrong.

So I went home, very confused, thinking he must have seen something in me to make him so convinced. Maybe he was right. I sat with it, stewed over it, turned it over and over and over in my head, but it just didn’t click or fit. So I finally came to the same conclusion that Dr R and I had reached earlier. My answer WAS right then and was still right now. So in my next session with Dr J, he again immediately started in on this. I repeated myself. But again he refused to accept. Then I started to get angry. He immediately jumped out of his chair, red in the face, and YELLED: “See? I WAS right. Otherwise you wouldn’t be getting so angry!”

Well, by then I was extremely confused, (and upset by his yelling) because I knew that being angry often did mean that someone had hit a nerve. I figured he must be right. So I went back home and stewed some more. Then the light bulb went on in my head. I was angry, not because he was right, but because I WAS RIGHT, and he was refusing to accept and respect me. He was calling me a liar. He was manipulating my confusion and anger to prove his point, which was to prove himself right and me wrong. It was another one of those “aha” moments.

So I kept my next appointment, and told him what I thought. He was so angry with me that he scared me. I walked out and never went back. But it was the turning point for me in realizing exactly what Daisy said: I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself and not hanging around for more abuse and manipulation. I KNEW myself well enough now, and I knew to the core of my being that I had been brutally honest with myself. I knew I could – and did finally, perhaps for the first time in my life - trust that my own instincts and decisions WERE RIGHT.

That was a very exhilarating walk home that day!

[ September 29, 2005, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I believe GP doctors should not be able to hand out anti-depressants as fast as they can write.
Since June, my GP has given me 3 different AD to try. They all made me so tried, and feeling like I was someone else. Last one gave me the electrial zaps toward the end of the first week.
These are some dangerous drugs, if you don't know what you are doing. My feeling is, most GP's, are not qualified in this area.
They have no clue to side effects or withdrawal.

Where do you find all the energy to run from therapist to therapist, hoping to find the right one?

Could be I'm a bit leery of doctors anyways.
Following is just a few reasons why....

Hubby works with a man who is seen at the same clinic we are. He had a sinus infection, doctor put him on antibiotic and cough syrup. Two days later he's in the ER. Cough syrup interacted with his blood pressure medicine.
The cardiologist, kept him 3 days to make sure no damage was done to his heart. Was told even a good pharmacist would have caught the interaction. (Our clinic and pharamacy in same building. With a computer system that checks for drug interactions).

My son's girlfriends dad had an out of rhythm heart. They actually stopped his heart beat, (clinical dead) and re-started to a normal beat.
Doctor had prescribed blood thinning medicines. This poor man ended up in the hospital several weeks after, with his fingers and arms blue.
It was all caused by the blood thinners that should have been stopped. When he saw his doctor...the doctor blamed it all on the nurses.

Just yesterday, my son Josh comes home to tell of the wife of the man he works with. Prescribed a medication, was not told it should be monitored...she now has no feeling in the left side of her body, and talking like a baby.

It's enough to make you paranoid. Everytime I am given a new medication I come home and check it on the drug interactions site:
http://www.drugdigest.org/DD/Home

Even the heart medicines I take now have moderate interactions. Informed the cardiologist at two week check-up about the depression and left leg weakness, all he had to say to me was "I'm not changing the med's now". No mention of a future appointment either. Need's a GP referral.
Most of these doctors, appear to be "too full of themselves".
So I wake up every morning feeling depressed and pulling my heavy left leg around. Try exercising with that.

Paranoid or just safe?

Think these doctors need to slow down, and take the alloted time to spend with a patient, "just focused on the patient", (not his watch or the nurse standing at the door asking questions of the previous patient)...please.
Asking what medications you take...some don't take the time to check the chart.
Just seems to me "most" are too busy trying to earn the mighty dollar, and not living up to their oath.
Suppose that adds up to morals and values!

Geez....just gone on and on again.
I am so sad, most people just don't take the time to care any more.


Brenda

Eagle,

Your posts are an amazing source of hope for anyone going through a terrible time.

What I saw throughout your book and in these posts is that in spite of being led in a variety of wrong directions by people with apparent power, you consistently conducted honest self inventories. You took what what you discovered about yourself, looked inside to find God, accepted His help, then set about saving your own sanity.

That is such an empowering model. I wish we all were as strong. Thank you for a month of powerful and uplifting posts.

smile

Smile, Your posts have been an amazing source of hope and encouragement for me this month. Your presence through PM's and posts here has been welcome and wise and I thank you.

You mentioned the "honest self inventories". For so much of my life, my brutal self-honesty has been both a blessing and a curse. On the curse side, it involves regret for wasted time, second-guessing and indecisiveness while I find the best and truest way through. On the blessing side, it involves relentless digging for my truth underneath the mangled thinking, turning to God and recognizing His unconditional Love, Mercy and Truth for me and the willingness to relinquish long-believed lies for those Truths.

It's been long, relentless and lonely; there have been many times I wanted to just lie down and give up. But I trusted that the long journey was necessary and would eventually become empowering. And when I hear words like yours tell me that some of my tidbits have helped and uplifted, that alone makes it all worthwhile.

Brenda, Your extensive experience of these prescription nightmares would make anyone paranoid of doctors. I had that one similar experience with my Anti-Depressant detox, as well as my GP being unable to hook me up with a therapist or specialists for my ongoing acne and chronic fatigue problems. I've given up on those last two issues for now...I don't have the energy to bother.

With the therapist issue, I was spiraling into a life-death situation and although I had made a strong choice to live and would probably have been okay, I also knew that the subtle suicidal tendencies shouldn't be ignored. I wanted help and when my GP couldn't help, I was determined to find it myself, because I knew what the consequences could be if I didn't. If Dr Q hadn't worked out, I might not have had the energy to pursue the search. Thankfully, I'll never have to worry about that "what if"!

I don't understand the growing care-less-ness of doctors. Is it collective burn-out? An epidemic of futility? I don't know, and don't know what the solution is. We obviously have to become more knowledgeable about our own bodies and become keenly attuned to our intuititiveness about our bodies and what doctors want us to put into them. That shouldn't be our sole responsibility, that's why doctors and pharmacists spend years in medical schools, so we don't have to learn and remember all that medical stuff. But the sad reality is that it's obviously not working the way it's supposed to, so we'll have to pick up some of the onus if we want to keep our bodies as healthy and alive as we know is possible.