REWIRING OUR ATTICS: Self-Knowledge

In my book, I explore self-knowledge as the discovering of my true core, my “root” self. Knowing the core of who I am…and knowing who I’m not! No longer allowing old lies and misinterpretations to define me. Knowing my own darkness and what wounds simmer there. Realizing there’s more to me than I ever imagined possible.

I need to know where I’ve been, in terms of knowing my deepest soul-scars and how I got them, and in terms of knowing my here and now, and how I got to be the me that I am. From that vantage point I can begin to envision where I’d like this me to be, further down the road, decide if that’s attainable and then determine what I need to make it happen.

While growing up, our lives were impacted by other people’s choices. Some of those choices detoured us from becoming all that we could be. But here and now, you are in control.

We may not be able to fix some of the irreparable consequences of past choices, but we can trust that life will move us on out of the wreckage if we choose to move with it. Right here, right now, it’s our choice which direction our lives take from this point onward. (But I acknowledge here that if you’re like me, “now” isn’t always possible in terms of starting new choices…although deferring the choice is also a choice…so when I say “now”, I also mean “when you know it’s time”.)

When it’s time to move out of the wreckage of our mangled thinking, it’s our knowing the truth about ourselves (our wounds and our possibilities) that will arm us for the journey. Truth is the ammunition we fling at the lies when they try to detour us. Knowing who I am, and who I’m not, and choosing to believe in my own possibilities will map me through any crossroads I come to on the journey out of that quicksand. Knowing my wounded self gives me the desire and power to choose the healthiest direction for that self and where it is I'm envisioning that self to be further down the road. What shields me against the old confusion and futility that used to immobilize me is my firm grasp on the core truth that I am loved unconditionally, that my life matters and that I have a unique niche and meaning in the world that only I can fill.

When I’m in the midst of the blinding confusion of depression, I might not be able to see that core truth, or feel worthy enough to believe it in the onslaught of old voices telling me otherwise. But having already steeped myself in that certainty during my good days, and knowing it to the core of my being, helps me to deliberately and automatically (even if it’s blindly) choose to believe in that truth now when I most need to have power against the despair that looms on my horizon.

For me personally, self-knowledge includes learning what my particular needs and limitations are. Were you aware, for example, that many of us who suffer depression require more “downtime” to process life and events going on around us? Some of us are innately wired to crave that alone time. We actually draw or recuperate our energy from that solitude. So much so that Eastern religions recognize meditation and solitude as essential necessities for stable health. Yet we often ignore that need to pull back, re-energize and recover our equilibrium. We feel guilty for “taking care of self”.

But I guarantee that some of us simply cannot afford to ignore our limitations. Because when we ignore those needs for too long, that’s when we begin to spiral into debilitating fatigue and inability, which then leads to that quicksand of mangled thinking, and on into full-blown despair and depression. I’ve learned the hard way that the consequences of ignoring my need to pull back are far more devastating than the inconvenience that I think I might cause if I don’t stay in the fray and “tough it out”.

That’s the power of self-knowledge. With each new self-revelation (e.g., I need to pull back in order to stay healthy and maintain a reliable energy level) and each new series of rewiring the attic (I am lovable and capable), we become more empowered to make better choices. We find ourselves more able and willing to define our own selves with healthy truth, instead of letting the old lies define – and destroy – us.

Truth loosens despair’s grip on us.

Self-knowledge becomes our map at the crossroads.

And compassion, for all that it’s taken for us to get to our “here and now”, becomes our candle in that blinding darkness and allows us to become our own most faithful companion-along-the-way.