Dotsie, I consider myself an absolute neophyte in all of this, because it really came on so recently. I still have a very long way to go. I do believe that I finally learned enough in this life to come back and do some major good. Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but I try to be positive. I believe that we as people exist on earth for the good we can do on earth. If I was supposed to be in heaven, I'd already be there.

I've read the source books (in English) for many of the world's religions and have informally studied both theology and religious etymology. I'm fascinated by the differences but am more interested in the similarities.

Lynn, it took me four brushes with "there but for the grace of God go I" before I learned anything of my purpose in this life. Who knows how many times I didn't learn before this?

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LYNN:

I think you may be asking the wrong questions, or at least not asking these:

1. If John were to die within the next six months, how would it affect the way you're living now?

2. If he was going to die between 6 and 12 months, how would it affect what you do now?

3. If you knew he'd survive the cancer, would it affect what is NOW?

If the answer to all of the above is "not really" (and I suspect it is) then the question of WHEN is not as germane. What's important is NOW.

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I use positive visualization. I imagine the person and where they're sick. I get as centered and as clear as possible, and send forth healing energy. I say, "John, you WILL beat the cancer" (not "I hope that...) I concentrate for several moments and keep repeating.

I have no idea if this works but I figure it can't hurt.

Bless you Meredith-
Your questioning is very on the mark. But yes, if I knew John would survive the cancer I would be different now. I would relax more.

Admittedly, I am afraid of that big black emotional hole that I will go through if I lose the human part of the man that I have shared so much with. No one wants that.

I understand that it is NOW that is most important and that is correct because either one of us could have a tragic accident instead but I find myself waiting. I am thinking that, with time, this will change and evolve.

You are a survivor so you must have had some of the same types of feelings with the "waiting game".

I also believe your focus on the person who needs help and the area in which he needs it is right on the money. I think Dotsie does the same thing only with prayer. The method is similiar.

You are right, there are many similiarities in religions. My sister-in-law is a Christian Buddhist. Hard to get the two together in your mind but with a little effort, I saw where she was coming from.

Lynn

Lynn,
I'm certainly no expert on this, but it seems as if you are struggling with what you fear rather than relaxing into what you love.
I'm pretty sure that is what I would be doing also. However, in the past when I have faced difficult things, if I could stop struggling long enough to force myself to thank God even for the bad things and understand that scripture that says, "all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and keep his commands," I have been able to find peace.
You are creating joy, and making memories every day. Those memories, like being on the boat and Nathan's stories, will bring joy to you no matter what happens with John. Maybe you can focus on that.
I'm sure much of your time is spent in doctor's offices and such, but there is joy to be found even there if you look. Nathan, who sounds like a commedian in training, must bring great joy to both of you. And even the doctors are sometimes hilarious in their attempts to help.
Maybe you already are or maybe there is simply not enough time, but maybe you could keep a pad with you to make blessing notes just to remind yourself and John of the blessings that are in each day. Even on the bad days, try to remember that God is beside you and will work it all out to your good.
You are surrounded by prayers every day.
smile

Lynn, I have added John to my nightly prayers as well as the other two ladies fathers. I also pray for a 5 year od little girl here in Vegas. Kelsey has brain tumors and has been in one hospital after another since age 3. I pray really hard for her. But back to you, its hard I know to concentrate on the good things in our lives while someone we love, a part of us suffers. I had a new baby son and his every smile and gurgle, even spueezing my finger gave me such joy. I was afraid and felt guilty feeling that joy but now I know, years later it was God helping me cope. God Bless you both.

Lynn,
I just re-read my previous post. I hope I didn't sound cavalier. I can only imagine what you are going through. It must literally be like the loss of one half of yourself.

I just hoped that some of the wonderful memories you have made and continue to make might be a comfort to you.
John must be strengthened every day by your love and the way you care for him and Nathan. When he recovers, John will be comforted by the memories of that loving care. And those same memories can bring comfort to you.

Please know that you are always surrounded by prayer.
smile

Smile- I know your thoughts are never cavalier. And yes there are great times for all of us now. But it does not take away the scary part-the loss, if it should come.

I also know that we all live with this everyday. But actions happen in our lives and we are faced with mortality.

Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. Each of your words inpire me and allow me to reflect. You are all a comfort.

Lynn

On my very worst days, I'd tell myself, "This too shall pass."

I understand that it's impossible to NOT worry about the future, but if you only think of the future, then you've lost today.

I still think you need more physical help with chores, errands and the like. There's a wonderful community of cancer survivors and surviving friends and family who do things like that. Call your local hospital. There are also caregivers support groups.