I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I went to talk to my priest about it and my hands were shaking so badly. Part of it was not wanting to humiliate my husband, part of it was not knowing what I should do about it.

Bluebird: Can you share what the priest suggested for you?

so bluebird, how do you deal with this stuff? I wonder if I should even be married. I don't have to be, the kids are all grown, I have a fairly good job. We just got married 1 year ago!!!!

I'm not dealing with it that well, really. I keep feeling resentment and anger against him (which I have felt for years but didn't know why). Now I know what is keeping us from being the kind of married couple that God wants. It's an evil spirit, really. If he said to me "I have this problem and I need help" it would be a different story. Every time I catch him he tries to lie and make excuses or act hurt that I don't believe him. I'm tired of it. But I have 8 kids and 6 are still at home, so I can't throw them all into turmoil. God will guide me...

Bluebird and China, do you have any daughters around the age of mine? Say 18 or so? Ask them what they think of being "romantic" with a 50-something man. They'll tell you what mine says, "ewwwwwwwwww, he's way too old for me, gross mom!"

I'm telling you, all these geezers can do is look. Pretty, young girls don't want old men with empty pockets. Has it ever occurred to a man that perhaps his *wife* is sick of looking at his soft, old, paunchy body? These men sure have some egos because most of them must not see what a wife sees when they look in the mirror at themselves. The internet porn is simply a safe (in their minds) way to fantasize about something they can never have. Don't you think they really know this?

[ February 03, 2006, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Oh Ladybug my dear these young women may feel this way but won't tell your man, their customer this, they will lead them on, lie, lie, lie and I know plenty about that. Now if all it was were old men fantasizing that would be one thing BUT all to often they become so fixated on these dream girls that your own sex lives go to hell, if you have one to begin with. My sleezy ex had the nerve to say that he brought those filthy young girl magazines into the home because he felt that by looking at them it might make him more able to perform, REALLY!! Perform for who, perform what, what was he a dancing bear? What was I chopped liver? It is wrong, wrong, wrong and can never be anything but wrong and can never have any good reason behind it. To those whose husbands are doing it, it is nothing less than a slap in the face to you and your marriage, especially after only a year China, my God. Nip it in the bud or suffer the consequences.

[ February 04, 2006, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

wow, everyone, thanks for the advise. Well, he is not talking to me, is mad at me saying I had nerve to spy. Well, right now I am leaning towards leaving. Life is too short. Been married only 1 year. His kids and my kids are grown. This is a big slap in my face. How does that saying go, "fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. I hope you guys will still be here when I do make this move. I am nervous, not sure why, it only has been one year. But, I did give up my townhouse, my job, moved 1 hour away. Did find a better job, but now need to learn where the safest apartments are. Boy, I do feel like a fool. At 51 years old and got into this mess. Well, he wined and dined me. Fresh roses, and told me everyday how beautiful I wish. Sure, just to get me here so he can go back to his old, sick ways.

China,then leave now while you are still young.

Chatty, I hope you know that I think you are right otherwise prostitution would not be flourishing.

But I would just like men to know that maybe their wives don't see them as some Adonis either. There is probably more than one wife out there who fantasizes about a young man with a healthy, muscular body when her soft-body, balding, bad breath husband is trying to be amorous.

Men don't see this about themselves because most women aren't crude. We try to soften their egos and tell them "it's okay." Many men with big egos actually love hearing this and begin to believe it themselves.

Chatty, not too long ago you gave a bit of humorous advice about getting a "big rubber friend." What if China gets some Playgirl Magazines (are they even still in publication)?

I do heartily agree that pornography in any form is harmful to a marriage. The testimony here is proof of that.

I just want to thank you girls for all your advice. Everything that you all have said makes so much scence. Right now it is Saturday morning, still no words said. One friend said do not do anything drastic, so I plan to call a lawyer on Monday and find out what my rights are in Maryland. Then I need to buy a car. We have one, because he drives the company truck. He is in contruction. Writing this all out helps me too. I have to say my ego is crushed and I feel like a fool. How did I get into this mess. I am an educated woman!!!!!

China, there are many educated women out there in the very same situation.

You are doing it the right way. Consulting a lawyer first to get to know all the legal aspects is important. Having your finances in order is very important.

Please, don't feel like a fool. The only one who is a fool and about to be a big loser is your husband. Can he change or will he change? Only you know the answer. If it's no then it's time to go but not without doing all your "homework" first to ensure your peace of mind and comfort financially. I've seen many women leave their husbands and find nice men, yes, even in our age group. Even if you remain single it will still be better than the hurt and humiliation you now feel. It's not impossible to find happiness again, but why wait until you're ancient out of some unfounded fear?

The longer a woman plays "wait and see" the more she has postponed her happiness for her future.