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#71147 - 08/17/05 10:23 PM
Re: Hi.I am new.
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Member
Registered: 08/15/05
Posts: 35
Loc: UK
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I have a wonderful sence of humour. I like to make my children laugh. I like to think myself as a fun loving human being, but a LITTLE GIRL from the age of 4 to the age she is now has verbally and mentally abused me for 9 years. She has drained me of what I wanted to give her. She has taken from me, the love for a daughter that I now I will never have. She has taken away my joy of having some form of close bondness that I so so longed with her. SHE has made me miserable, taken away the joy of finally being married to the man that I once classed as my soul mate. I look back at what this human being has done to me, and am sorry to say can no longer tolorate her being near me, to talk to me,to look at me. I AM DRAINED. What more can I do but love my children more. Give my children ME.And count my lucky stars that my children LOVE ME. And love being with me.
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#71148 - 08/18/05 01:32 AM
Re: Hi.I am new.
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Member
Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
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I am not defending this child. I am trying to offer possible solutions. It just appears that what you have done for nine years is not working. In fact, the problem appears to be getting worse. Maybe it is time to try something--anything different.
If she has mistreated you from the age of four, maybe she continued to do it because it Worked. She got a reaction. She got you upset. In her silly little girl mind, that's all she wanted. It got her the attention she craves. That's what she's after. If you can't use humor to show that you are unaffected, try something else. Turn away, turn to the arms of your husband, do whatever works, but never let her think she has control of you or the marriage. That's too much responsibility for a 13 yr. old.
If you deprive her of the power of upsetting you she will move on. She'll find friends. She'll get busy with her own life and maybe she will even become a daughter you could care about.
I doubt that she truly wants to break up your marriage, but on some dark level, the power of it is exciting and it gets her the attention she craves. I'm not sure why she craves attention, but kids never seem to get enough. And if you continue to reward her with it, she will continue to torture you.
You are at war for your marriage. Pull out all the stops. Do whatever you must to save it. There are certainly other men, and there are other marriages and being alone is also an option, but all options are flawed and ending a marriage is terribly painful.
As I said, I've been there. I've made a million mistakes and I'm still making them every single day. Perhaps posting is one of them.
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#71151 - 08/18/05 02:20 PM
Re: Hi.I am new.
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Member
Registered: 08/15/05
Posts: 35
Loc: UK
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Shes the perfect student. In fact her grades are brilliant. Not too keen on one freind, but as a parent we will get a dislike. I know my mum did. I have treid getting social services involved with her. To no avail. IN fact they told me that there was nothing wrong with her. After posting what I did last night. It has made me see that I really cannot let this CHILD win. Shes made this mess, shes made herself unhappy by craving the attention she is getting from me and other adults. All I can suggest to myself is let her get on with it. I will do what I have been doing these past weeks, and that is ignore her. She'll be the one that comes running, when she realises this little bubble she has put HERSELF in is about to pop, and she needs to come into the real world. I dont know how long its gonna take. THE Little girl will NOT WIN. Thats what I am going to keep saying to myself. Cos thats all she is.
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#71153 - 08/19/05 03:30 AM
Re: Hi.I am new.
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Member
Registered: 08/15/05
Posts: 35
Loc: UK
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I always praised her. But she hasnt done anything right for such a very long time. I come from a stpparent family as well, and she knows this, and knows that I DO ACTUALLY know what she is going through. But I HAD RESPECT for elders growing up. Where as she DOESNT.
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#71154 - 08/18/05 10:28 PM
Re: Hi.I am new.
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Member
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
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May I jump in here? I've twice been a step mom...the first time was the real shocker for me...I met my step-son with his father after school...we went to Bury St. Edmunds for dinner...his son ended up screaming and crying (he was 12) and would not even walk on the same side of the street with me. That should have been my first clue that things weren't going to get easier. He made his father take him home and after his father and I married, the visitations were horrible. In the end my step-son did everything he could to cause problems...it was his way of letting me know that he would never accept me in any compacity, no matter how nice I was to him. He was angry with his parents for splitting up only he could not show anger to them...so it was me who got all the resentment/anger reactions. My second time around is now...with grown step-children...fortunately, my husband has stood by my side and not let his grown step-children push me or him around. They've tried some low shots but refuse to take responsiblity for their inappropriate actions...Larry and I have stood side by side and have not let them damage our marriage. If he had not taken the stance he did with me we would probably be in serious trouble. Bottom line here: Your husband needs to take his snotty little kid (raging hormones and all) and tell her she either straightens up and behaves or is out the door to her mother's house permanently. Second, she needs to be in counseling...I was a step-child myself from a very young age and issues I had back then were never addressed...the loss, pain, etc., and they have affected my life up until even now...all of you are affected by this and all of you need some kind of counselling to cope...you and your husband need marriage counsellling to reconnect priorities...he must stand by you and stand up to her. If it were me and my husband did not stand by me and expected me to deal with this alone, he'd find himself alone with his out-of-control daughter. Maybe I'm too cold hearted, but it's not worth it when only one person is doing all the work in a marriage.
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