Ok, here it goes.
In May I accidentally discovered that my husband had been viewing pictures of naked women and some other porn sites on his computer-for quite some time, in my estimation. [ I had wondered why he had disabled the HISTORY function on his computer] I asked him about the porn, he admitted to it, but swore that he was not chatting/or in contact with anyone online. He said it was like viewing a Playboy magazine. I told him it bothered me. He knew I was upset. It is not like a magazine in my opinion.

I should explain that my husband and I are both in our early 50's. His work hours have recently increased to 10-12 hour days. So his time at home is limited. We are also finally at home alone withouth kids for the first time in 25 years. So, the 2 plus hours he spends on the computer in the evenings (in a different room - far from where I am) is definitely noticeable.

Well, in August he was careless again and left a few of the pictures on his browser and I found them one morning when I needed to get online (my computer was not working and he knew that).
I told him that his porn/nude viewing made me feel unattractive to him. He didn't say much, just that he was not dead and it is like looking at an attractive girl walking by in a bikini. I pointed out that the worst part of all of it is that when he does have a few hours at home, he prefers to be on the computer viewing these pictures/web pages and not spending time with me/ as a couple.
I know men are totally visual, but , I still feel cheated on. I wonder if he needs these perfect bodies to stimulate him sexually. He wouldn't answer me.
I don't want to come across like a parent to him, and I told him that. I said I can't control him, only myself ,and I didn't know what I might need to do to feel attractive again. (Kind of a threat I know- very open ended,however).

Well, now I find that when he comes home late (after I am in bed) he turns on the cable channels that have the late night- soft porn shows. (He no longers seems to be viewing the porn on the internet).
Help me. Am I being overly sensitive to this need he seems to have? OR is it really a form of cheating??
We have watched a few MATURE movies together in the past. And I suggested that - but he did not seem at all interested in sharing the activity any longer.
Any thoughts or has anyone had first hand (no pun intended) experience with this in a relationship?

Kay, do you think your hubby would go to a therapist with you so you could talk aobut this. He needs to har that what he is doing is wrong from someone other than you. I think it would be beneficial for both of you to be able to talk this out with guidance from another person.

Please know you aren't alone. There have been several posts about this very topic from other women in the forums during recent months.

The amount of porn on the internet sickens me. I can't stand the fact that it's literally at the finger-tips of our youth.

ladybug, thank you so much. It isn't easy to be alone when it seems like everyone else on earth does whatever it takes to get their needs met. Your encouragement is very much appreciated.

Daisygirl

I am still trying to determine IF it is something that is WRONG??? On one hand, I feel that it is because it bothers me - and I am one half of this relationship/marriage and have been for over 30 years.

And yet the media today, including movies, books, TV and the internet treat this activity (PORN) so casually.

Our sex life has improved since confronting him back in May - or I wonder if it coincides with our children leaving the nest ??? I just feel devalued - and think that is enough to ask if he feels passion and desire for ME- or does it take the nude pictures for him to get turned on??

Declaring his love for me should be enough, right? And yet, somehow, I feel like an old pair of favorite shoes that he loves. I want to feel like he WANTS me in the bedroom and really all of the time - I can't compete with the models' bodies on the internet ( I am not in bad shape and can still pass for a much younger woman than my birthdays add up to)!!

As anyone can tell, this subject is gnawing at me.

Here's a test and its been mentioned in these forums before... if a spouse tells you there's nothing wrong with viewing porn, say to them, "Good...then you won't mind if I tell you Mother."

JJ

Ouch, J.J!

Talk about a test!

danita

[ September 24, 2005, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Danita ]

::claps:: well, said JJ =)

What a GREAT line!

JJ stop stealing my stuff?? No actually have at it. This one ploy really works to curb that particular stupid response. I heard Dr. Phil say once that any time spent on the computer or TV or reading magazines about sex or doing phone sex (be still my heart and pocketbook) is cheating, no doubt about it.

Now KayB you've said he stopped and that your sex life is improved. I think maybe you are looking a gift horse in the mouth so to speak. In no marriage on the planet is a woman, or man for that matter, as sexy and desirable as when all was new and exciting. Fact of life!!! I hate men looking at magazines, the porn sites or like my ex frequenting the strip bars...while professing his undying love for me. OH sure, yea, uh huh! Kicked him to the curb. Men are only wicked little boys after all and most men are pigs. Truth, no way to sweeten that pie. I know I make my living talking to these screwed up useless, mostly married aging losers trying to live in some fantasy land.....Unless they are rolling in dough, most younger women worth there salt wouldn't give these relics the time of day, not for very long anyhow. Does it hurt, hell yes it hurts, it hurt me terribly when it happened not so much because I loved the ex but because I felt slighted, jealous not of him, but of the bodies these women had, their youth and the fact that no matter how pretty I was or how sexy I acted, I would NEVER be YOUNG again, and that killed me....and I'm being honest...Women are realists, men are not and there lies the problem....

[ September 25, 2005, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Chatty Lady----your comments are precise and to the point. I think you have the qualifications (I have read some of your other comments on other topics and know your profession) and insight to get a degree in counselling!! You go girl.

I think I earned my degree in experience alone. Also I wrote an advice column here locally and also when living in Illinois...I really believe that if thought about HONESTLY, really being honest with "ourselves" we know the answers, and would be able to handle our problems well on our own but unfortunately too many of us think of the kids, the impression it might make, finances (important one) our relatives, God, being alone in our old age and this and that and on and on and our happiness ends up taking second place to all those things...There are no easy answers. One solution does not fit all!

[ September 25, 2005, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]