But honey, you're the injured party and you're making excuses for him.

I am still wondering how old you are, I get the feeling you are quite young. Remember this if nothing else....

We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated, act like a doormat and he'll continue to wipe his feet all over you.

Blue, you said,"But he is really good to me and I know he loves me and again, it's not like he goes anywhere so there isnt' physical cheating."

What he is doing is the same thing that happens to a child when they are not hit physically, but are verbally abused or neglected. The pain is the same and takes just as long to heal. If this man loves you as much as you sy he does, he would not be on the computer having relationships with other women. He IS cheating on you! Period!

Blue, you said,"But he is really good to me and I know he loves me and again, it's not like he goes anywhere so there isnt' physical cheating."

What he is doing is the same thing that happens to a child when they are not hit physically, but are verbally abused or neglected. The pain is the same and takes just as long to heal. If this man loves you as much as you say he does, he would not be on the computer having relationships with other women. He is manipulating you. He is being disrespectful of your feelings, and he IS cheating on you! Period!

[ June 19, 2005, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: wordcharmer ]

Blue you wrote "Anyway, anytime I have ever confronted him about these situations, he blows his stack and accuses me of snooping and not trusting him and says he must have his privacy and why do I want to mess things up since our relationship is so GREAT"

Ask him what is SO great about it. ANd then ask yourself.

I hope you find a way to work this out. My prayers are with you,

Blessings
Andria

Wow, thanks for all the support. I agree with you Smilinize that marriage changes those things..he alwasy talks about his need for some sort of "privacy", I call it secrecy! since it is not just him sharing with a male buddy. And Chatty, to answer your question...I JUST TURNED 50!! pretty sad that a man can still mess me up so, huh? But I have weighed the good and the bad and the good comes up the winner. He says that he has changed "drastically" for me and seems afraid that I want to take away every inch of his self??? which I really haven't...He's really not whipped at all. I call it "growing up". I've had to change in order to have the nice life we lead, why can't he give up this obsession. Again, his refusing to give me more info about her only leads me to imagine the worst. As to why I am waiting, it is his birthday month and I am trying to make it a very happy one so he will see what he is putting in jeopardy, which I know he does, he just can't admit that what he is doing is could affect it.Even if I didn't know about it, it still has to affect how he reacts to our relationship. Does he go to her for advice? comfort? and yes, even though it's not physical it hurts just as much. Thanks for letting me go on and on, it does help.

My friend (who doesn't know about my problem)just emailed me this...how appropriate!!!

Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up...

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men...

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have
dinner with.

A girlfriend of mine went through the same as yourself. Several years back when she was facing the fact that she may need a heart transplant her husband was cheating on her over the internet. He also arranged for his wife and daughters to go down to the states with him on vacation, where he had secretly planned to meet his internet girlfriend. To make a long story short my girlfriend today is healthy, she didn't get thee heart transplant, she is divorced, and she and her kids are doing just fine. The ex of course is still seeing the internet girlfriend who of course is married to someone else.

Blue, your distinction between privacy and secrecy are very important. There should be no secrecy in marriage.

You may want to read the other post in this forum that was begun yesterday. Perhaps the two of you can support one another.

Reading your letter prompted me to register and write to you. Your husband is cheating on you. Whether he has slept with these women (yet) doesn't matter, he is cheating on you. Men who are well taken care of in their marriage often don't want out of the marriage. They like their savings accounts whole, meals prepared, children cared for and lives intact, all things that would be too disrupted by divorce. They are hooked on the illusion of romance and think choosing married women to cheat with will allow them to avoid the pressure of the "affair woman" wanting more. But the married women he is cheating with will eventually want to be with your husband, for many reasons, one being that is just the way women are made. The romance usually last about 6 months, and then reality creeps in. If he continues to be addicted to romance there is no shortage of like minded people surfing the internet, thinking that is the solution to their problems. The irony is your husband ultimately wouldn't want to be with them because they are cheaters! But make no mistake, this is a powerful addiction, heady stuff, as strong as any heroin shot in an arm.
You are left with lack of respect from your husband, lack of respect for yourself, confusion, pain, fear...things that will only continue to errode any self respect you might have left. Don't treat someone better than they treat you.
It is hard to imagine that someone you love could betray and hurt you so much but believe me, it is going on. You can't reason, plead, pretend and think it will produce anything more than more pain and confusion in your life. Eventually you must make a decision to accept his cheating and stay, or leave. I suffer for you, having gone through this. If you leave, I promise one day you will hear a forgotten sound. The sound of your own laughter and happiness.