Wow. Life is a bitch, and then you die.

Has anyone asked what it is they were SUPPOSE to learn by creating this type of experience? The only way to get free of that emotional pain is to understand the lesson it taught.

Been there, done that.

The lesson is never about destroying you. It is about FINDING you, ACCEPTING you, and KNOWING your worth.

Let everyone else alone. They need to learn their own lesson but it is not your responsiblity to give them one. Revenge depletes your ability to heal and it prevents you from learning anything. You will just create this situation again if you do not learn anything.

Warmest thoughts and highest regards to you.

Beth, I'm sorry your ex is such a jerk.

Your story reminded me of my mother. My parents were married for 26 years. They split up when I was 18. I don't know all the details of their break up, but it wasn't long after my dad left that he was with someone else. I don't know if he was cheating on my mom. She says he was, they say they weren't. I don't know--it doesn't matter to me.

That was 23 years ago. My dad married the woman he was with shortly after the divorce. My mom hates this woman to this day. I can't talk about my dad and his wife in front of my mother without hearing some rude comment. It is something I just don't talk about, even to the point of not even saying if I am visiting him for Christmas. She resents everything about him, and every interaction I or my kids or my husband have with him.

My mother is incredibly bitter, even after TWENTY-THREE YEARS. It's ridiculous. And she puts me in the middle and holds resentment that I would dare have a relationship with my own father. My dad and mom can't be in the same room together, and my mom is terrified of seeing the other woman. They haven't laid eyes on each other except for attending my wedding and recently my niece's in 23 years. It's sad.

I can understand why she would feel that way in the beginning. But my dad and this woman, who became my friend over the years, have been happily married almost as long as my parents were. It's not going to end. Everyone has gone on with their lives EXCEPT my mother.

She's only hurting herself. I hope you won't hurt yourself anymore over this woman. She's getting what she deserves, I'll tell you that. And if I were her I'd be a little disturbed about my man calling his ex-wife so much.

NMY

Hi Everyone!

It's so nice to get on here find so much support! I am feeling better already, and I have to tell you all something interesting:

I met the friend of a friend a couple of days ago and we got to talking and her husband is JUST LIKE my ex - he has the exact same M.O., does the very same hurtful, sneaky things, and she is going through the exact same thing I went through when I was with him! I could completely understand how she feels, and the important thing is IT REMINDED ME OF WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE TO BE WITH THE EX!!! I talked to this woman for hours, seems like, and after I got off the phone with her I called my mom and told her that an angel must be standing on my shoulder, that talking to that woman brought everything back: the lies, the suspicions, the control, the financial abuse, and - most of all - the emotional abuse. Whew! What was I thinking??

To Searcher: Hope you did buy yourself some flowers. You are such a caring, insightful person and you are so wise. I appreciate your honesty so much!

To Daisygirl: Thank you for being tough on me. I am counting on you during the weak moments!

To Dreamer: NEVER blame yourself. Controlling men have a way of making us feel responsible for their happiness, don't they? He still managed to control you even after you got out, and that's a shame. He was an unhappy person and you couldn't save him. It's not your fault. But I do understand how you feel. My ex would come crying after he'd done some God-Awful thing and I'd had to leave him, and I actually felt sorry for him - I couldn't stand to see him cry. I still can't. But I don't remember MY tears moving him once. I was not allowed to feel emotional or angry about anything; he would tell me he didn't love me or I was crazy or he was sick of me. But I don't remember him ever holding me and saying he was sorry. Not until I'd had to leave. I hope you will someday find peace with what happened to you.

To Dianne: I'm maintaining radio silence, and I love that expression! You are right; the last thing I need to do is call him and have it out with him and let him know what my plans are. It's kind of fun to think about what he will be imagining when he isn't in contact with me anymore! Ha!

To Not Much, You: I'm so sorry about your mom. I can understand how she feels, in a way. I have been bitter, too. But it's really sad that she hasn't been able to move past this in so many years. She deserves so much more than that. And yes, Thing will most certainly get what she deserves - probably sooner than she ever imagined.

Okay, everybody, one more question, though:

WOULD IT BE WRONG FOR ME TO THROW A PARTY WHEN THE EX AND THING BUST UP?

You could throw a party on the anniversary of your divorce, but not when they break up.

The difference: the first one celebrates your freedom and new life; the second celebrates someone else's pain.

You should celebrate joy, not pain.

I know. You're right. I wouldn't want to throw a party anyway because I'm actually beginning to feel a small amount of sympathy for this woman. I heard she is about to lose her job due to her work closing and it would be just like him to time his departure for shortly thereafter. He's not the most supportive person in the world...

Could it be that I'm beginning to see a flickering of forgiveness in my heart for this poor unfortunate woman? Not sure yet.

Let it go Beth!

Hi Beth,

My idea is - never mind forgiving this woman right now, you can do that later, right now it's more important not to be thinking of HER at all - or him. Just you and all the ways you can improve your life - glad to hear you have a friend, but build each other up encouraging one another, be careful not to get bogged down in the past - Just look up and toward your new future......

Beth, I'm glad you have a friend you can relate to. After being alone in the middle of the night, thinking too much and feeling lonely, it's nice to have someone remind you of the reasons you are going through this - AND that before long, you will feel whole, happy and ready to conquer the world - and maybe to meet Mr. Right! I am confident that you are on the right path and will have a future full of new adventures!

Daisygirl

No parties having anything to do with him and Thing. But do have a party to celebrate the fact that you CAN have a party! No one to stop you, nothing to worry about - just have a party for you and your friends to really connect again - a happy, carefree time with no mention of your 'last life' (I refer to mine as my "last life" when I have to refer to it...)

I appreciate the kind words regarding my not being responsible for what happened...it helps me to hear it. If I could just let myself believe it.

Beth, she's going to get exactly what she deserves and nothing you do or feel or not do or not feel will change that. The only thing you can change is the 'subject' and move on to your very own newer brighter, free'r, happier life.