Oh Lynnie, the first thing that I'm going to say is how much you are loved. I know all too well how very hard it is to hear that and believe it, but Lynnie, it's true, and ever since I dared to believe it was true, my life has been changing radically. We are loved more than we can imagine.

But that's not always easy to swallow, is it! But I can only tell you my own experience. I did not go back on any AD. I decided to try swallowing this whole "I am loved" thing first [but please note that I was not profoundly depressed - if I had been, I would have gone back on Wellbutrin]. "Embraced by the Light" by Betty J. Eadie helped me cross a threshold I'd been standing at for ever so long. I don't know if I will ever be touched by depression again, since it's a chemical imbalance and therefore a BONA FIDE ILLNESS. But I know that since embracing the possibility of God loving me more than I can imagine, I've actually been experiencing joy and serenity such as I've never felt before.

You were absolutely NOT MEANT TO DIE instead of your nephew. That I can say with unequivacable (sp?) confidence. As long as you continue to wake up in the morning, you are absolutely meant to be here...your purpose and reason for being here on earth are not finished. The fact that you are still breathing is proof that God still wants you alive.

I think that profound depression calls for immediate action of some kind - medication, someone to talk to (ideally a therapist, but oh how I understand your revulsion at the idea of starting all over again with someone new - been there!) But you cannot continue to go through this alone, and you know that. Any therapist worth your money and time WILL want to read your book, so don't be afraid to insist on it - that will tell you if that therapist is the one you want to go to anyway! But even if you're adament about not going back into therapy, at least change your AD so that it gives you some relief.

I want to be so much more helpful, but am already on the way to making this into a novelette. But just know that you are dear to my heart and I'm carrying you in prayer from this moment on. I know it's hard, but please try to trust that God also is ON YOUR SIDE and will provide everything you need to get you through this. Look around and see in your life what's there - people, doctors, medicine, support, books, music - use it all, use whatever He has put there in your life for you to get through this darkness. And please stay here with us, stay close and let us help you through. You ARE LOVED, more than you can imagine.