I am new to the group, so I just found this topic - from last year! - and was blown away by its immediate relevance to my own situation. I see that the lady who started it has not participated since then, so I will not bother her with mail, but I can't let it go without addressing the subject.

A couple of weeks ago, I hit an emotional low. I was talking to my husband about my son's psychotic delusions (which have now been moderated by Risperdal) and it occurred to me that my aspiration to be a writer might be based completely on the DELUSION that I have some special talent.

Have I been delusional my entire life?

I have other competencies that I know are real (computer skills, organizational and problem-solving skills, intellectual skills, ability to perform on the job) because they have all been validated by employer reviews, increases in salary, verbal feedback from others. Now that I am not working outside the home, I even doubt those sometimes. but at least I have pieces of paper in the file that I can pull out and look at, as proof.

I am desperately seeking validation for my writing. Writing classes and amateur writing groups and organizations have told me my work is good -- but I don't think I'll ever believe it, deep down inside, until someone pays me for it.

How to gain peace of mind? To feel good about what I am doing, in the absence of this validation? If I'm completely "psycho" I should give up the effort for good, and try to forget the torture. I tried to do that once, burned all my journals and cried for an entire day, but still ended up writing again. If I am really okay and just suffering from the chronic low self-esteem that has plagued me since adolescence, then I have to find a way to build myself up - but when you are emotionally fragile, there can be no building up without taking a risk of breaking down afterward.

Either way, I suppose I have to accept the fact that I suffer from a mental illness (depression) and learn to cut myself some slack and not always expect to be acknowledged as something special. I have to learn to give myself that reinforcement and support, to become my ally instead of my own worst enemy. That is something which years of therapy have been unable to do. Medication can only go so far. I do not know how to change. I have no faith in myself and I have no faith in any higher power, either.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rave.