Lil
When you wrote I had always been afraid of being just an ordinary person, without something incredibly special and terribly significant to my name...

this just struck such a chord with me! When I , this was one of the thoughts that I frequently had. I was terrified of being ordinary so I avoided marriage and children and long term jobs. I used to have dreams that told me that I was going to be something special.....I thought I could be a great writer or poet or that something was just going to happen for me! This never transpired because it was probably a delusion.

I ended up not marrying unti lage 34 because I was avoiding being like everyone else and now I am 38 and STILL scared of being the same as everyone else. For so many years, I avoided the 'normal'things that my friends and families did because I thought I was different and now that I have decided to settle for being ordinary even though I am scared of it, things are not happening for me.

I avoided having children for years and now that we are trying for it, nothing is happening. It's causing problems between me and my husband. He blames me because I avoided being ordinary for so long, it's almost like I am being punished for it. My husband's sister gave birth to her second child in two years this week and he has been moody all day today.

In fact, he has just gone to visit his family and I didn't go because I am sick of everyone looking at me as if I am an oddity and asking me when I am going to produce. Now that I WANT to settle for being ordinary, it doesn't seem that I can. What you said made sense to me, but I don't know if I am making sense now. I am feeling tired and weary at the moment so that's probably why I am thinking this way too.

Thankfully I have these forums to 'talk' to people. Though I am close to my friends and family, I don't feel I can confide in them about how I am feeling about all this. I tried explaining to my mother today but she got upset because she couldn't understand, then I got upset and so forth.................. God, I don't know why but I have just gone into tears and I can't seem to stop..... Sorry.

Clairey xx