I've noticed that there are women participating in this web site who are young enough to be my daughter! I love that, and wonder if any of you have any comments on the differences and similarities between us and our daughters?

It would be great to exchange information and experiences we've had, and to hear both sides. I love my daughter so much, but often she is very opinionated and is just so different in every way from the way we were. It would be good to hear from both sides.

I wouldn't think of criticizing my daughter; after all, she is an adult, the mother of a young child, well educated...but she seems to often go out of her way to look for points of contention and then blames them on me! I'm not perfect by any means, and have even gone through several sessions of counseling to understand myself and learn ways to discover what I may have done to cause this....

Well - I could go on and on, but I'd like to hear from you!

Dreamer

Dreamer, perhaps a way to dicover how many younger women are in here is to begin a daughters of baby boomers forum. I need to think about this since it wasn't the original focus of the site. However, I think they could help us better understand our children.

Thoughts everyone?

There could also be a forum for mothers of boomers. Oh boy...this could really grow.

I think it would be so interesting to compare observations and experiences - I sure notice a lot of difference between my mother, myself and my daughter - as well as a lot of - commonality" -(I have a tendency to invent words)

I have a feeling the members of this web site come from 3 generations now, and a forum where all of us share could be a wonderful thing. It would sure help me! I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way!

Dreamer

Anyone else?

I only have 3 sons! OH woe with me! But, it is the same with them also on issues of the different generations! My first grandchild was a girl, now 17, followed by 5 more BOYS!

The difference in my sons, and my grandchildren is extreme also, especially the granddaughter! I am her confidant, if I were her mother, it might be different!

I think discussing the generational difference could include sons, too - and what you said about your granddaughter, Junebug, is extremely interesting and encouraging to me. My daughter pulled away during her teen years, then we were very close when she got married; she's been married 7 years and is now very unpredictable - hot and cold - no in-between. My son has a little girl who just turned 2 - maybe, maybe we will be close!

Growing up in our generation, we certainly rebelled to some extent, but most of us wanted to make our parents proud of us, respected our parents no matter how mad they made us....the kids of our generation are, in my opinion, outspoken and very much into themselves.

What do any of you think?

Dreamer,
Yes, I think our kids and grand kids today are the ME generation. Although my sons respect me when I talk to them on the phone and in person, I hear from them when they are ready, if I call them and accidently catch them home, when I had breast cancer, had 2 strokes, the times I have had to have surgery, or if they have something interesting that they want to tell me! I live 1200 mile from them! I need more contact with them than once a month and they do not understand this, but I do not push it either. They are adults and I don't think they are changing NOW! I did not raise them this way; they just are this way! Like you said their gneration.

Their lives are much more important than anything else going on! I would never have done that to my parents, although I know my sons love me.

Outspoken, WOW, an understatement! LOL I did raise them to be independent and have their own mind, but sometimes wonder, "Did I do this?" My youngest son, this month to be 25, is the only one that will take advice given in a kind manner, and only a very few times and in really bad situations. The other two, forget it unless they ask, and they haven't asked yet, 30 & 36.

But, at least they are all independent, and I take pride in that, instead of like my 26 yr old nephew who can't hold a job and just wants to live with mommy and daddy the rest of his life! For Real! It could be worse! I guess!

I'm still thinking about this new forum. Now that the boys have been mentioned, wouldn't we post about these issues in the Children Forum? Please help me out here. Any ideas?

I agree, Dotsie - it does seem to be in the wrong forum - I'm learning how this works as I go - so please move it to the proper location and let me know, ok? Thanks!

I would think so Dotsie.

Dreamer,

I often find that my daughter is impatient and intolerant with me. It has ever been thus, although she has mellowed as she gets older. However, there are still time when I'm convinced she thinks I'm the stupidest person on earth. Mostly, I try to ignore her when she's in one of her moods --- which is easy to do since she lives in another state.

I've never seemed to have these issues with my son, and he's every bit as strong-willed as his sister. Go figure.

Jackie

Hi Ladies!
My mom is 51 and I'm 33....she had me at 17 and I think that is a lot of our problem.

I'm an opinionated one, as well.

Someone mentioned calling on the phone to stay in touch. My mom rarely calls me and I get upset by that. She's too busy with her job and 38 yr. old fiance.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled she's finally happy in a relationship.
BUT, (always that BUT), sometimes I would love to have Beaver Cleaver's mom!

We always seem to want what we don't have!

Stacy, I find your comment about Beaver Cleaver's mom cute. I lovfed that show. It was the only show I watched as a kid.

Do you call your mom?

NHJackie, there was a period of time that I told my oldest son that he should end every reply to me with, "you stupid idiot." He would answer my questions in a rotten tone that implied I was an idiot. It was during the high school years. I guess these comments can't be based on sex. I think it depends on the child.

Dotsie!
Having 3 sons, and 5 grandsons and 1 granddaughter now, here here to your statement of "these comments can't be based on sex. I think it depends on the child." My 3 sons are all total different in personalities, but alike in certain ways. So are my grand kids!

What a wonderful topic, Dreamer!

My daughter and I have had our ups and downs, but we've always been close (closer than my mom and I ever were) and having a loving relationship - to the max, I think. It's funny you should bring this up because I have some articles coming up on the Co-abode.org blog that address this very issue. In expressing my feelings on the subject, I found some personal insights about mother/daughter relationships that presented themselves as a sudden ephiphany. When the blog is 'up' I will share all of that with you. Meanwhile, great topic - and thanks!

Erica

My mom is 85 and still working full time and loves her job. I am 65 and wish I had half her energy. I never disagree with mom but my ideas differ on some things, and we agree to disagree. I think she thinks in extremely modern terms because she works in an office surrounded by all younger women, some in their 20's and todays ideas are passed on to her. I too have two grown sons, no daughters but my DIL of 17 years has been like a daughter to me.

[ October 18, 2005, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I have FOUR daughters......ages 22, 18, 14 and 12. Each one of them being so different in personality.

I would love to direct them to a forum where they can bounce ideas, comments and questions off of each other.

They can scoot around the computer better than I can!

Teresa :-)

I'm looking forward to reading what you wrote. Right now my daughter and I seem to be on really good terms - again. Little things irritate her and she blows them out of proportion and I seem to be at the receiving end of her anger no matter who or what started it. I'm pretty sure part of it is because MY mother is very difficult - very high maintenance - and my daughter is expecting me to be like my mother. She has told me as much. Meanwhile, I am diligent in trying NOT to be like her (except in the good ways) - my mother irritates me and hurts my feelings...but I don't fight with her because I'm just not a fighter. When my Dad was alive, he was the buffer. In the 18 months since we lost him I found it better to move to a different state - Mom and I do ok if I call her every day....however, my daughter wants her 'space' and her 'independence' so she told me I was to call her no more than once a week.....

Three weeks ago I got a letter from her stating she no longer had room for me in her life - I was beyond devastated and shocked. If anyone wants to hear about that, let me know. My stories tend to get long!

Oh my God, Dreamer, that is so sad. I think you just need to give her the space and wait till she gets beyond this present stage. It will change. She will, hopefully, grow. She is probably also reacting to the loss of your dad. Maybe you should make clear to your daughter that you have no expectation of being like your own mother. If not, I'm sure your daughter will eventually figure that our on her own. It's so tough, I know - and I do sympathize with you. Hang in there, she will come around.

Erica

She's apologized for the letter; her excuse..."you know I've always been dramatic, Mom...." - I have to let it go, but, judge me as you will, I know I will never forget it, and it has probably put a permanent scar on my emotional being - words said, and especially words written, cannot be 'sucked back in'... I'll always be somewhat on guard with her now. But my love for her is the same as always, and her little son is so precious to me.

My son, on the other hand, is compassionate, caring, warm (he was a nightmare as a teenager! No drugs or alcohol or anything - but a mouth! And a temper! Unbelievable!) He is the one who called my daughter and told her how wrong and hurtful her letter had been....but I'm not supposed to know that.

I suppose all of this, combined with my 'last life' (see 'letting go of the 'ex) - and losing my Dad (I'm an only child) - and moving to a new state with a new husband....I am still somewhat in the Twilight Zone but I'm determined to keep my sense of humor and make my present life good for everyone around me!

Yes, I can sense you are very, very strong inside and will prevail in every way. I know all about 'former lives' - I used to be a violiist with the Metropolitan Opera until I injured my hands in a car accident. We humans, especially the female kind, are incredibly resilient and adaptable. So your strength will serve you well, and you will gradually forgive your daughter (even if you can't really forget the hurt); because as mothers we must be superhumanly understanding of our children. How wonderful that your son stuck up for you. Family relationships are always evolving. And parenthood is simply the most difficult job in the world.

Hang in there!

Erica

Stacy
I had my first dtr.(40 yrs old)at 18. Honeymoon baby!
I have to disagree with you on your saying that since your mom was 17 when she gave birth to you "might be a lot of your problem."
When my dtr. tried to pull every trick in the book when she was a teenager, it just didn't work(most of the time)because I was young enough to remember all the stuff I pulled, and got away with it. That's another story!
Her younger sister learned that she wouldn't get away with anything by watching what went on between myself and her big sister.
I'm a very lucky mother that has two beautiful dtrs. who turned out to be pretty darn good girls.
Of course, they both have their problems. What kids don't.
BUT...one of these days, you mother will get to a time in her life where she will want you to be with her, either to be just to talk to, or to help take care of her, and I hope you will be able to be there for her.
It's so sad that you can't have a good relationship with your mom, but you can go on to be a great person on your own.
Good luck to you Stacy!
Lynne

To Dotsie...Yes, I call my mom every couple of weeks to catch up on things.

To LSmith.....my relationship with my mom is good, so no reason to be sad for me. I am a great person regardless of my stuff with her.

The saddest part of it all is how she was raised. Her mom abused alcohol and gave birth to my mother very late in her life (12 years after her first two). My grandma and her husband would leave my mom in the car while they went to bars to drink. I know there is a lot more that happened that she has chosen not to share with me.

I know she did the best she could to raise me and my younger sister while having my Dad as her unsupportive husband. We had a good life....better than most, I'm sure. There are regrets, though. Since I'm older, I understand more of why things happened the way they did.

My mom wasn't "equipped" with the necessary tools by her mother and therefore didn't have much to go by with us.

Blah Blah

Like I said originally, I wish my mom could show more compassion towards me. Really focus on my feelings when I'm down and need advice....like June Cleaver would have.
Instead, she's very protective and defensive of herself and blames herself for my issues?

I work very hard to love her for who she is AND for who she's not. To me, it seems like it shouldn't be this much work?

Maybe like marriage, it is a lot of work?