Bonny,

Seems to me that you're not to blame, but a lot of nasty dysfunctional people in your life are. As a child, you were helpless to stop the abuse so you internalized the pain and blamed yourself. In order to blame the real culprits, you would have had to think about them and what they did, and I know that was way too painful.

You're not a failure, but you're still learning and need to define yourself and life according to YOU and not any past idiots and the trauma they inflicted. I can't remember whose quote this is, but a failure isn't someone who makes mistakes; it's someone who quits trying. Don't give up on life.

Love your child and grandchildren. Learn to love yourself. Don't worry about having a man in your life. Being married is no indicator of success.

Smilinize, I love your attitude!

Warm fuzzies to all you wise women who are so willing to help Bonny. I love each and every one of you.

And Bonny too.

Bonny, as you can see, there are so many women on here and in the world who have gone through what you have endured. Abuse of all kinds is such an awful epidemic in our country.

It seems as if it never completely leaves you. But with God in your heart you are an overcomer. You are so much stronger than you realize. Even finding the strength to post on here is an example of your innter strength.

What has happened to you is a horrible fact and it will be in your deepest memories forever, but it is not 'who you are.' You are most of all, a child of God and His love is always with you. When you are at your weakest, He will be at your side to comfort you. And He has the ability to take even the most awful thing and turn it into a miracle of love.

I am praying for a miracle in your life today.

smile

[ January 06, 2006, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Bonny,

I just wanted to add an amen to all the things the wonderful women here have already told you. Although I do not come from a background like yours, I suffered from severe depression that made me think of myself as a failure for a long time.

With help and love, you can bring yourself to a better place. Hard work, but worth it. I'm always here to listen.

Hugs,

Thank you all so much. Some days are good but like one said it will always be in my mind and I will always wonder why. I have been to counselors and haven't had alot of success except that they want me to take antidepressants. I am always trying to not feel victimized because I know some people have had alot more terrible things happen than I. My deceased sister (she was molested also) once said her life was so bad but I think everyone has their problems.
My Mom is living with me for the winter and to tell you the truth I can't wait for her to go back to her own home. I have always felt she didn't really love me and that it was just some kind of front she was putting on. She drank some with my Dad back years ago.
I do love my daughter and her husband and the grandkids. I am more proud of them than any other thing in the world. My granddaughter is so sweet and smart and I just want to protect her so much from some of the things that happened to me.
Thanks again for all your input and God Bless you all. Bonny

Nancy, thank you for the vote of confidence. I am always glad to help. Yep, I am so sorry for what you endured, yet proud of you for knowing that you were going to break the cycle, no matter what. Bonny, do you object to taking anti-depressants? I swear, the newer anti-ds (Zoloft, Celexa) have been a life-saver for me. I doubt if I ever would have survived and overcome all that I have without them. Ant-ds helped me to get the help I needed from counseling. Trauma does stay on the mind, like a scar on the skin, but you can move through it. I too had trying times with my mother, feeling like she did not really love me and was unable to protect me. I'm glad for you that you have your daughter and grandkids to be proud of. That means that you too broke a cycle of dysfunction. To me, that spells success for future generations. Love and Light, Lynn

[ January 06, 2006, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

Lynn, As a matter of fact I have taken zoloft, prozac, wellbutrin, etc. They do help. I finally went back to prozac as it seems to do the job as well as the others. There are still some days when I just wonder what the heck.
Have you ever felt like everyone around you was so happy and had such a perfect life?
And you know what else? All my divorces have been of my own doing. First one I left and ran away to California when I was just 20 with another man. Second one was an abuser and he couldn't keep his zipper done up. Third one was a good man, hard worker and successful and all and I blew that one too, leaving him for someone else. And in between time there have been boyfriends (lots) but now for the last 3 years I have not been with a man at all. I never felt like any of them really loved me as I felt love should have been but anyway ........
That is why I don't think love is in my agenda anymore. As much as I want it so badly.
I cannot afford any counseling as I am just keeping ahead of the game paying my mortgage etc.
Anyway maybe if I keep talking here it will help some. And thanks for listening. Bonny

Hi Bonny, it sounds like you have been "through the wringer" in the romance department. You wrote, "I never felt like any of them really loved me as I felt love should have been " which is almost the same thing as you wrote about your mother. Bonny, I don't want to push the counseling issue (or do I?) but there are a lot of agencies that offer services on a system based on your income or for no charge at all. The YWCA where I worked in women's resources offered counseling at no charge to anyone at anytime. I went about 5 years between the ex and the current husband, fully expecting never to marry again. I even told the man I have been married to since 1988 "I've been married before and I will never get married again." Famous last words. I had to find some way to love myself first, even if I wasn't in love with myself, I had to learn to love my soul, and to love myself as a child of God. I had to learn that as a child of God I was worthy of love in simple pure forms. Talking here does help. Have you had a chance to check out the other forums? Love and Light, Lynn