I really need to know if anyone else here at BWS has had the same thoughts as I have been having lately. I do not mean to bring anyone down, but it is something that has been eating away at me for a long time.

This is basically a spin off from the "Grieving Multiple Loss" thread in the "Loss" section. I just didn't want to hijack the thread.

It just seems like I have no life at all, and it has been a domino effect for the past 4 years. I am afraid to get involved in any hobbies, I am afraid to make any kind of plans. I am not talking anything elaborate; I am talking about the simple things. Each time I set out to do anything, someone in my family has their drama and I am expected to “fix-it”. The latest seems to be several family members who are mad at each other and they are trying to drag me in the middle. I feel they are all so mad at each other over stupid petty things. I try so hard to eliminate the stress in my life and it just seems to follow me. I have a mother who is grieving. Not only that, she is constantly complaining about having to do things herself now (my dad did everything for her), and how she is overwhelmed. I understand that and I am sympathetic. Every time I try to help or suggest something, she will find so many excuses as to why I can’t help her or why it isn’t a good idea. I have my brother and his wife feuding with my aunt, my aunt lives near me and they want to put me in the middle. My daughter can’t seem to make simple decision and calls me constantly wanting me to make suggestions for her. When I tell her I don’t know unless I know the entire situation or I am asking questions to try to understand, she snaps and yells at me. It just goes on and on…. I just wish they all would leave me alone and stop using me as a punching bag for situations out of control and not my fault.

I have to admit something I only told my husband. Before I had my surgery to remove my tumor, I was hoping it was cancer, and I wanted it to be terminal. I am so tired and cannot take it anymore.

I am already on medication and I have a therapist. I really want to get through this, I just don’t know how.

I just wanted to know if others have felt this way at some point and if they eventually get their life back. I hope someone can tell me how to just let this all go. It just seems like everyone wants a piece of me. Every time I stand up for myself, I get attacked and I am besides myself and it is pulling me down.

Thanks,
Cathi

Cathi, I can so relate to all that you have written...yes, I've been there, felt the same feelings, and wished the same dark wish. I want to be able to respond better than I will be able to right now, because I'm tired and brain-fogged. But I wanted to acknowledge your post.

My way of coping was first to completely hibernate...I literally shut myself away from everyone and everything. But I was totally burned out, broken and unable to function because of severe fatigue, depression, grief and some physical thing we never did figure out (high white blood count). Anyway, eventually I went on meds and into therapy. I felt like my life was a complete train wreck and that I (self) had been completely enmeshed in the wreckage...I honestly didn't believe that I would be able to extricate myself intact from that utter devastation. It took hard work, determination and complete change of focus for me to find my way out and onto solid ground.

Such a withdrawal isn't possible or feasible for everyone, and it has its own ripple effect. But what I DID learn that might be valuable is that it's absolutely essential to learn how to put up the perimeters, set boundaries and be diligent in not allowing ANYONE to break through those boundaries without your express permission. You can't change them (other people), you can only change yourself, and it's entirely up to you to establish and then enforce those boundaries. YOU GET TO DECIDE how much abuse you're going to take. Warn people...and then walk away when they push beyond those boundaries.

You might be afraid to do that, to enforce boundaries on the people you love...but the alternative is far worse...once you're gone, you're gone and there's no chance for a do-over. If the only other choice in your mind is death/escape, then it's time to start rebuilding and changing your life so that it's a life that you WANT TO LIVE! Change everything that isn't working for you. Change the people in it. Change how far they're allowed to step inside your boundaries. Change how you stay - or walk away - from toxic situations. Suicide is one way to change - changing your life and your focus and your boundaries so that it's YOUR LIFE is another way to change.

From someone who has tried both, I can tell you that choosing life was absolutely the right answer for me, and paying any price at all for all the hard work and changes I've made to re-create my life has been worth every heartache and tear shed for the losses along the way. I love my life, I love my newfound self, I love my newfound sense of freedom from all that chained and encumbered and toxified me before.

Others will have other solutions. Other ways of coping. You get to pick and choose what will click, and you get to change direction if one direction doesn't work...you get to take all the rubble that surrounds you and build a new life for yourself. It's worth it...I think the suicide wish is camoflage for a wish for change of scenery, change of perspective, change of lifestyle. Use it as the launching pad for the next phase of your life.

First step in my opinion, is to set those boundaries and stick to them. Hibernate if you need to, go on a retreat, take a trip somewhere to refresh your spirit and mind and perspective. But at the very least, walk away from the toxicity whenever you can...it's your life you're saving when you walk away from the people who would pull you down into the quicksand.

Holding you in prayer...and care...and love.

I love you so much Eagle, you really went out of your way and took your time to help me, even though you were tired. This is more than my family has ever done for me. The only two people who have ever understood me was my dad and Richard. One of them isn't here anymore, I guess that is what makes losing dad so hard. He really knew me and listened to me. I find myself so many times wanting to pick up the phone to ask him for some advise, until I realize he isn't here anymore.

Most of your advise is something I have worked on for a long time. It really worked for awhile, but I slipped and I need to refine this and work on it some more.

I might start off by hibernating a little. I say that because I have to work, I am actually okay with that, at least at my workplace I am treated with respect. I can hibernate from all the drama by turning my phone off at certain times, not jumping and running to go "fix it" for someone, maybe if I make this my New Years resolution and really work on it.

Unfortunately, the way I am drowning right now, I don't want to be here anymore. There have been times I went to bed hoping I will never wake up. Having said this, I really do not want to have this feeling, I want to live. But I want to live, not just exist as a piece of furniture or machinery. So Eagle, you know exactly what I mean.

Setting boundaries is a weakness of mine.

Here is an example, I haven't been able to go on a vacation for nearly 4 years. I mean a real vacation, not take time off for this crisis and that crisis, illnesses. I mean go on a trip for enjoyment. I haven't seen my best friend I had while living Germany for 16 years. She is living in New Mexico now, she has asked me to come and see her. I am dying to go see her, plus I have always wanted to go to New Mexico. I am just hoping I can plan on this without other things coming up. Everytime I have planned on a trip, I am being pulled to the next crisis. What happens with that? I have to use up my leave time from work, and there isn't anything left, and what money I would saved would go to whatever the crisis is all about.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming others. This will only change when I change the way I react to these situations.

Does anyone know of any resources out there for setting boundaries? I truly need to work on this.

Thanks again for taking the time Eagle.

Love and Hugs,
Cathi

Cathi, responding about the trips...JUST DO IT! Make the reservations for the time period that works, and then literally turn a blind eye and deaf ear to everything else. You just tell people that you've bought a non-refundable plane ticket and have to go. And then get on the plane. Not only will you have the change of scenery, you'll also feel a sense of empowerment and freedom, a sense that "I can do this!", I'm the master of my own life. Because you ARE. Ultimately, everybody else's messes are theirs to clean up. We do the best to help each other out of them, but at some point, you are allowed to live your own life the way you want to!!! You really are the master of your own life, and you really do get to choose how to live it. If you want to travel, do it. Make the reservations and then go...literally put your hand up to anyone who might deter you and say, NOT THIS TIME!

I know it's not easy, but oh, Cathi, it's so worth it when you get the hang of it!!

I completely agree with Eagle. You will be happier if you learn to set boundaries. I do with Dennis, who wants me to retire and be at his beck and call all day. I refuse, and he knows I mean it. This is the only way that the two of us can have any type of real relationship.

I did the same for my Mother for the past few months. She would have loved it if I had stopped by each evening after work. I simply said No, that I would see her each Friday (I cut down to 4 days a week at work) and every Sunday. I would call her 2 times a week. She knew that I meant it, and was very nice about it.

I believe that you really need to mean what you say. Tell your family that they can only call you with good news. Refuse to listen to any mean messages. Perhaps tell them you will only answer the phone during the hours of 7 and 8pm. Then do that.

I know, these are my ways of dealing with life, and all of it's craziness. Each of us is different. But I made a decision when Dennis first got sick, that I would choose happiness over being miserable any day. I work at it. Some days it is very difficult, but for me, at least, it is possible.

What is it Dr. Phil says...we teach others how to treat us! It's so true and I used to respond to my oldest daughter's crisis...one after the other and she never appreciated it. I just pulled away and she knows why.

I work with battered women and they don't set boundaries until they learn how and finally take that first step and their families and children don't like it at all but the women are so much happier and begin to feel good about themselves. It changes their lives.

Oh gosh, girl...take that NM trip! Do it for yourself. You need a getaway and I'm betting it will give you a new perspective on life.

Eagle, I was thinking of doing this same thing. It seems the only way I will be able to do this is have something inanimate (the Printed ticket/flight Itinerary) in my hand to “seal the deal”. I don’t know why, but I have always wanted to go to New Mexico and now I have the opportunity.

Okay, here is another scenario and what I plan on doing about it. Please let me know what you would do. Here is the scenario, I just mentioned this trip on Thanksgiving Day to my aunt. One of her daughter’s, Renee (my cousin), lives in Utah. Here is what she says to me right away, “Oh, you should try to go and see Renee in Utah since you will be close.” I answered, “That would be a possibility”, then later on I was upset she put me in that position. My aunt will be upset if I do not go and see Renee. Don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin, but this is a trip I want to take and relax, catch up with my friend and do some sightseeing! I plan on not mentioning this trip to her again, but if she ever mentions it, I will have to tell her what I just said here. If she gets offended, I will have to tell her this isn’t about her, then excuse myself. Would this be a way to set boundaries? I know it’s absurd I am even asking this, but this has always been my weakness, I just do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Plus, I am so tired of arguing and having to defend myself constantly.

Anno, I appreciate you taking the time with me. I hadn’t even thought of a schedule for calls. This is a very good idea!

Dianne, it’s the same with me as far as my daughter is concerned. I have to pull away; I no longer have the resources because she has sapped it out of me with her crisis. Mine hasn’t appreciated it either and I am working with a debt counselor because of the debt this has gotten me into.

Anne, you hit the nail on the head. I just want it to stop!

I appreciate everyone sharing their experience with me and giving me many great suggestions. This is why I posted this, I needed guidance in what steps to take and figure out where I am going wrong. I in no way wanted to post this as a “poor me baby”. Thanks ladies for not reacting as if I was being a “poor me baby”.

I love you all a lot!

Cathi

Good for you - you sound ready to make a change! You go girl.

Cathi, sounds great. If anyone comes back to you about the trip to Utah, tell them that you only have the resources and energy for one trip right now and that you'll do Utah later (just don't tell them how much later...vagueness is an easy way to start setting boundaries when you're afraid of offending people...as you get more comfortable/adept at it, your answers can be more defined - or not!) I find the word "later" is a good way to keep my boundaries without going into any details that might inadvertently rub someone the wrong way. I just never have the stamina or energy to deal with people's guilt trips or constantly explain my reasons, so I just say "I'll do it later when I have the resources".

I've been to New Mexico, years ago. It's a wonderful place to go...take in as much as you can, and enjoy the peacefulness of nature there. Keep us posted!

I like that advice to take steps toward your vacation. Maybe once you do that, some other goals will spring forward, which you'll be able to deal with, one day at a time.

Like you, I'm a classic enabler and attract people who are unbelievably needy. I remember Dr Phil asking one such person, "How's that working for you? What are YOU getting out of doing so much for others and not making any time for yourself?"

I realized that after so much loss (see multiple-loss-thread), I needed to feel that I still mattered, that I could make a difference, that I could still feel alive on some level.

With professional help, I learned that I can matter to me and that is not a selfish way to be. I can be kind to myself, and have a life making me smile.

Every day is not perfect. But I know that if I live to see tomorrow, it just may be better. And that is what I wish for you. Many more better tomorrows.

Here are some links I found on Google for setting boundaries, if you feel like sorting through some:

http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=1R2ADFA_enUS351&q=how+to+set+boundaries&aq=f&oq=&aqi=g10