Just wanted to let everyone know that I was hospitalized for the past 6 days and was released on Wednesday. I'm going to follow up with a partial hospitalization therapy program where I can stay at home, and go to therapy during the day.

The trip to my family and then the trip to the conference was too much for me. It triggered a manic episode that made me really sick. Much sicker than I've ever been. I wasn't sleeping but 2-3 hours a night, my thoughts were out of control, racing, No focus. I basically wanted to crawl out of my skin I was in so much mental pain.

So, I told my therapist and psychiatrist that I wanted to go to the hospital and my psychiatrist checked me in. He adjusted my medications. Tried to help me get some sleep. And slowly brought me back into focus. It took awhile.

I'm not all there yet, but with the outpatient therapy, I'm sure I'll get there with little problem.

You will Vicky and meantime know you are treasured

thank you. that means so much.

Vicki, you really are a brave woman and I mean that heartfully. You are not alone. Biggest of hugs and prayers to you and your supporters.

Thanks for the update. Wishing you continued rest and peace with this journey. I know it's not easy, but I have total faith in you that you will be looking back at this time, having learned more about yourself before too long. Please know I am with you for the journey, caring from a distance.

Same here Vicki, and thank you for sharing this journey so that countless others reading the post will know, there is hope and there is a way. You are not only brave, but unselfish in all of your sharing during this difficult time in your life. I keep thinking for you...this too shall pass and you will come out on the other side rested and peaceful.

You are loved. Always know this!

It's definitely a learning experience. I have to learn how to take care of myself first and learn that there are just some things that are going to make me sick and I have to be careful and watchful for them. I have to learn how to say "no".

I have to be aware of my symptoms and when they start occurring to get to the doctor quicker. And, I have to use my coping skills sooner. And, if they don't work, then realize that it's a definite sign to get to the doctor.

Thank you all for your support. I'm so appreciative and feel so loved.

This taking care of ourselves..somehow I feel thats something I will do later..when I am grown up.
THEN
I will have the hairdresser do my hair every week..
Be so organised any caller will see an unruffled me.
Always have scones and victoria sponge at the ready for visitors.
Never have spashes of what I have been cooking on my clothing.
Wear my gold earrings and pearls in the afternoon.

Oh MountainAsh if that were only possible...But unfortunately even as we age we have a tendency to take all our habits with us, bad and good ones; but all the luck to you...

Vicki, I admire you so much because even though you suffer so many bouts with illiness, you manage to pull yourself out and dredge ahead unstopingly. You do have to remind yourself that there are things that upset and damage you and you need to say NO, to those things, thats so right! Your daughter and grandchildren need you, your love and guidance.
I will add you to my prayers and ask God to put his arm around your shoulder just a bit tighter than usual.

Gods speed to you, Vicki.

Chatty Lady, you're so right. I have to learn to say 'no'. I have to learn to put myself first and recognize the signs that make me sick. I have to set limitations on my activities when it comes to the level of "excitement" I can handle.

I just returned from a visit to my psychiatrist and he was in agreement. It's all about managing my environment. Finding life management skills. I'll be attending partial hospitalization therapy where 5 days a week from 9 - noon I go to a place for group therapy sessions. This is where I'll learn these "life management" skills I need to cope so hopefully I'll know how to handle my symptoms next time.

Vicki, I wish you a speedy recovery. You must have the best doctors in the country. The doctors I saw here were terribly unhelpful. So in that respect, I envy you.

Vicki, sounds like you're in good hands. Perhaps, in the future, you should only plan one trip at a time. WHile travel is fun, it's also stressful.

My tongue in cheeck message..about how "One day" I will put myself first is a recognition that I am aware that I put others first.Perhaps I am basicly a tribal person a team player and muddle around now in my retirement.I have time which is a luxury.But as for health..we must all strive to know ourselves our limits note the red flag waving health wise.
My generation here in my part of the world were programmed to be "good homemakers and wives/mothers.." and this takes energy.Later women realised there are many ways of caring and loving..I continue to discover and enjoy the diversity of life..but without good health both physical and emotional life is harder so I pledge often to study what is important..

I love my therapist and psychiatrist. I think they are the best in the world. I truly lucked out finding them. They are extremely supportive and are willing to work with me in whatever it takes to make me well. They are the front line when it comes to my support team. I'm going to stay with them for aa long as I can.

Vicki...you are such a hero to so many women here...you never give up and you have the forsight to know when you need to 'stop' and regroup. I'm so proud of you and am sending you love and hugs!!! Keep inspiring us, woman...You're truly amazing, strong and I know you give others hope. All one has to do is look at your photo. Love ya girlfriend!!

Vicki, I remember after my first major breakdown (requiring 3 months of hospitalization), I was devastated by what was happening to me. And for years after, I was terrified of a relapse. One day I asked my psychiatrist how we could make sure it would never happen again, and he answered that there was no way we could know if it would or wouldn't, but that what we were doing in therapy was giving me "road signs" so that i would know how to find my way back more easily the next time. He also said the most important thing in managing chronic depression was to know the signs, know myself so well that I would know when it was time to get help.

I think it takes courage and inner strength to dare to delve into ourselves to the extent that we meet those limitations and acknowledge them so then WE have the power, not the symptoms or the disease.

Knowing the need for therapy, whatever is necessary to find our way back to solid ground is critical and inspirational to others going through the same journey.

My prayers and care are with you.

Thank you Dee and EH.

You don't know the struggles I go through to put together a simple sentence. And that hurts because writing is my life. Without writing, I have no way of communicating the ache in my soul. Without writing I cannot make a living writing the books I love to write. Without writing I cannot help those who seek to learn from me. Without writing, I'm not me.

Vicki, I can understand your anguish, but would dare to tell you that you are INFINITELY more than your writing, and INFINITELY more than this struggle you're in right now. Somewhere inside of you, you know that, you know that you are worthwhile and spectacular just because you exist...writing is the icing on the cake and your expression of self, but it's not the totality of who YOU are...YOU are a bright and shining light, a candle raging in the night. Right now you feel voiceless, but this too shall pass, and when it does, YOU will still be you. And don't forget the power within the wounded healer...when you have walked in the darkness, the words you speak to others also trapped there carry much more light and healing power...everything contains a golden nugget of learning and self-evolution which is meant to help us fulfill our purpose and our desire to help others. There is nothing empty here...it all weaves together an ever-evolving YOU that will speak more power and more light than ever before. So try to hold on to the recognition that you are infinitely MORE than what you're going through right now, and that what you're going through right now is a goldmine - reach in and find the golden nuggets of evolution...they're there.

We're so lucky to have you in our world...keep writing...one word at a time. We love you sweetness!!!

Vicki, I know too many people that suffer with this disease. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is to live with. Bless you, and thank you for sharing.

EH, Dee, Anno, and all, you're so right. I am so much more. To reach it, that is the struggle. I've communicated so long using the written word that I feel as if a part of me has been sliced away.

EH, your words were beautiful. Thank you.

You've all been a tremendous support and I appreciate it.

Just be compassionate with yourself, and keep breathing your way along this dark patch...you will make it through, one trudge-step at a time, though sometimes it will feel like three steps forward, one step back...you already know it's slow going at times, but it's because your mind, body, emotions, heart and soul are on a healing journey that you will eventually look back on as good, even sacred ground. All part of the tapestry our souls are weaving for a purpose we're not aware of yet. Just be compassionate with your self and whatever pace your soul is taking to heal.

Thank you, EH. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient with myself. Maybe God silenced this part of my life so that I can concentrate on other areas that I may have been neglecting, hmm?

It's definitely opened my eyes to how much I miss my children and how much I want to have them around me, especially during this holiday season.

and how important friends are in my life. Friends like all of you.

Vicky,
I want you to know you're in my prayers and that I've known many women who have gone through breakdowns. I'm glad you have good doctors that you trust. I keep thinking how sensitive women are
and how that must contribute to our nerves tensing up. Our bodies go through so many changes, as our lives change direction
multiple times. I've been through what you're going through and
I know of at least a half dozen other females, from this area,
who've been there, as well. Hang in. Hang on. And as jj has said,
This Too Shall Pass! That and scripture and positive thinking
got me through those rocky patches. Prayers and blessings!

Vicki, you know that I am holding you in my heart and thoughts at this tough time. Wasn't too long ago I was posting about similar things. You were one of the amazing woman who allowed me to share even in a strong state of vulnerabilities...and I was cocooned and carried in the forum until I started to cope again.

You will also have the faith to know that you are being carried with love right here.

Big Loves


Poppie

Is was so good to hear from you again poppie. I know school keeps you busy but we miss you...

I am missing my dear Poppie too! Sunday? Chat? Please??

Jabber, EH, Anne, Poppie - Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much. You touch me so.

EH is right, Bipolar is a chemical imbalance and I have to keep remembering that when I get sick. Something sets off those delicate balances, whatever it may be, and I get sick again. I either go manic (like I did this time) or get depressed.

I'm extremely sensitive to excitement. It can push me into a manic episode in a snap.

Manic, to me, means a very "high" feeling. Talking fast. Racing thoughts (inspirational ideas during the day/horrible what if's about what could happen to my family at night). It could mean a shopping spree. It could mean a spree of any kind (cooking, cleaning, writing, anything creative) It also means not being able to sit still very long, not sleeping enough. It could be kind of fun for a short period of time. I can get get some things done.

and when it gets to the extreme, not sitting still at all, uncontrollable thoughts, racing thoughts (all to the extreme), jumbled thoughts, no sleep at all, no creative spree at all, frustration, headaches - migraines. That's when it gets "Scary" That's when it pushes me toward hospitalization. Where it requires professionals to level my meds under hospitalized care.

That's how it works for me.

Vicki,thanks for keeping us up to date. Your words are most helpful in helping others understand mental illness. You help us be more compassionate people and compassion is a necessary emotion needed to bridge the gaps between those with and those without mental illness. Are you feeling more balanced these days? I would think the holidays coudl be hard. I'll be thinking of you.

Poppie, sounds like you're experiencing better days. Woohoo!

Even though the family had a wonderful Thaqnksgiving I couldn't help but miss my granddaughter-in-law. She and my grandson are getting a divorce due to her actions when her bipolar kicks in. She has a serious case and acts like a mad woman at times. I don't have to live with her I know, so its easy for me to feel sorry for her. She has a disease she certainly didn't ask for. And she loves my grandson so much but she is insanely jealous and when off her meds (says they make her fat) she accuses him of cheating, and slaps him trying to gret him to hit her back (which he never would) so she can call the police. It is so sad but he has to do something before there is an even worse tragedy, shes come after him with a butcher knife a couple of times..

Chatty,
Sorry to hear of your grandson's troubles. That type of situation is so heartbreaking. Your family is in my prayers;
many of us on here need the Lord to intercede with miracles.
Blessings to you and yours,

Dotsie, thanks. You're right. Compassion is a wonderful tool to have when dealing with those with MI.

Chatty, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandson troubles. If only your granddaughter-in-law knew to ask for other BP drugs that were less weight tolerant. That way she might stay on her meds more and create less havoc.

I wish you happy holidays with your family!

And to you Vicki, happy holidays from all of us; prayers and
blessings and joy!

Vicki, I am glad you are out of hospital and getting the support you need.I have just posted in another thread about me being detained in hospital just now, with a realy bad episode. I am so glad I can pop in and see that people who suffer smilar things to me make it through, even though I feel pretty hopeless now and not caring much for change. I am tired and want to be with my Mum.....can't sem to get my head away from the dominating thought. People have been telling me I will bounce back....the trouble with bouncing is the height and hardness of the smack down on the ground...how many should one take before a decision to give up the ghost.
I will pop back if I can post in a better mood.

Poppie

Poppie, I don't know if this helps, but I'm going to write it anyway. Suicidal thinking is very insidious and unrelenting, much like the mythical siren song that used to lure sailors to jump into the ocean. It becomes so insistent and obsessive that we become unable to hear anything else. It makes promises that sound wonderful - peace, an end to the pain, etc, etc. ALL LIES!!! As much as you want to be with your Mum, IT IS NOT TIME YET and it's a lie that suicidal thinking tells you is the only answer. You HAVE to fling truth into those lies, no matter how tired you are. You have to use every ounce of your energy to put this thought in your head...your Mum will be there, you will have all eternity to be with her. But right now, HERE AND LIFE is where she wants you to be, and where you are meant to be. It doesn't look or feel so good now, but fling the truth into the lies that tell you that it will never get better. It will. You will. You need to allow others, meds and your own mind to help you get around the next bend in the road. It's hard work, choosing life, it becomes a 24/7 job, and you feel too tired to work at it. I knnow, I've been there. But I'm telling you, those voices in your head telling you that you belong with your Mum are LYING to you. It's not time to go there yet. Mum and heaven are for later, life is for now. Keep flinging that truth into that noisy place in your head. Even if you don't feel like doing it.