Di, insecurity is my middle name! Lifelong battle with it, cannot seem to conquer it, despite years of therapy, a network of wonderfully faithful and loving friends and a profound spirituality. There's something in me that seems to be so damaged that it blocks the ability to believe what I need to believe to live/think better. But I know that, I'm keenly aware of the crippling effect of that insecurity, so I compensate by daring to speak positive platitudes into that deepest self, constantly, in the fervent hope and belief that SOMEDAY they will finally break through that barrier and become my reality rather than just platitudes. It's all I can do. I've tried everything, everyone I know has tried everything, but it's a very slow, evolutionary process...I'm much better now than say, 10 years ago, so that's progress. I know (theoretically) that people love me, I know (theoretically) all the right stuff, it just hasn't reached core-level yet. But it will. I'm certain that the fear is steeped inside of that lifelong insecurity.

I often just sit with God, in silence and in companionship. Whenever I ask Him "why", the answer is always the same..."you still don't believe you are loved". He has given me dreams and countless demonstrations of how much I am loved, and it's all slowly-but-surely healing. But the fear tells me I still have a long way to go.

One thing I forgot to mention about the psychiatrist...one really interesting tidbit of info came out of those sessions. I've suffered with chronic fatigue since the early 1980's, it has at times crippled me to the point of not being able to work or function well for weeks at a time. No doctor has ever been able to tell me the "why" of this fatigue. But this psychiatrist told me that chronic fatigue is very common in people who have had meningitis, which I had in 1979. Was hospitalized for 2 weeks and bed-ridden for 3 months afterwards. I had never heard that connection before, but it made sense, and was the best thing that came out of those sessions.

Here is the way I see you after reading years of your posts.

1. Wonderfully creative. You speak and write as I feel but I don't even know it half the time until you write it all out for me in a post.
2. Inspiring to the point that I practice Eagle Ways, as I call them, allowing me to see others in a good light when I would really rather not like them at all.
3. Lover of people, any race, any nationality, ANY.
4. Caring of others to the point of putting them first beyond your own hurting self.
5. A motivational speaker, even if you haven't found the path yet...you should and you will!!!! You must!
6. Author to the world with your words of encouragement and love.
7. Holder of all things kind. You gift the people who know you with your kindness. How blessed we are to know you!
8. Worker of illness. You never give up. You work through each pain and each illness, one day at a time, refusing to let it define you.
9. Writer, writer, writer!!!!! Give back the words we all need to hear about life, never giving up, journeys, gifts from God, beliefs, and love.
10. Friend.

Insecurity be damned.

JJ, what can I possibly say to that? It's as if a huge warm sunbeam broke through to a place deep dark place inside...or like a fountain of cool healing water flowing through a parched desert...thank you my friend. I'm printing this off and hanging it on my MIRROR.

One thing I know is that any pain I've had to crawl through has enabled me to help someone else crawl through their own dark desert. That alone makes it all worth struggling through. The saying "it takes one to know one" was never truer than it is within the context of depression and being able to help another person through what few others can understand.

Eagle, that is almost good to know about the meningitis. It seems to make sense in my non-medical knowledge. JJ wrote: "You speak and write as I feel but I don't even know it half the time until you write it all out for me in a post." I ditto that. You have a talent for that! xxoo Lynn

Yes, I ditto that too. Georgia, brilliant!

Perhaps fear comes with age. I have insecurities to overcome
as well. I like Dotsie's idea of changing your frame of mind.
I pray a lot and throw my arms around God's neck! Eagle you have
a deep faith. I'm sure you'll work through this. Many of us have
similar issues.

JJ,
I just went back and read your post! Awesome!

What is left to say Eagle Heart? JJ said it all and with such elequence. Your cyber name describes you and what you mean to us all. Your inner strength and wisdom soar high above us, swooping down to let us know you are always there watching for when we need our own darkness turned to sunshine. I for one, as do many others here, LOVE YOU!

Thank you Chatty. I printed JJ's beautiful post and have been reading it and finding such empowerment and strength in her words. When I began this thread, it stemmed out of days, weeks and months of focusing on building and nurturing a postive gratitude attitude. For the most part, that has led me to safe ground. But there was still a profound undercurrent of fear that felt like, well, I'll use a line out of my own book, felt like the quicksand was going to reach up and grab me by the ankles and swallow me whole. I knew from good experience not to allow that fear to fester, so came here to speak it out loud. All of the responses, the care expressed and the words of encouragement and understanding have helped to empower me to speak to the fear and be strong against it. JJ's words, and now yours too, remind me that these patches of dark are normal passages of grief and that it's not my totality. I realize that I just have to deal with them face-to-face and move past them.

My most fervent prayer, every moment of my day, is to be light, to speak love and light into the darkness...to help candle other people out of their own darkness. So your words are dear to my heart. Thank you!