Edelweiss, this is so sad, but I can totally relate. We've gotten some eldercare counseling and here's what I recommend.

There's something called therapeutic lying. Sounds pathetic, but it's been a bit helpful in certain areas. Basically what you do (because she does have some dementia) is make up a teeny lie about the mail. Can you tell her that the doctor said she can no longer receive it because it's not in her best interest to become involved with all this mail at her age? Or the nursing home no longer allows mail delivery to the place, that it must come to your home first, then maybe give her a few pieces a week that could come to your home? Something along those lines? We've been told to blame certain situations on the doctor, even if it isn't exactly true, or the staff at the care facility. Do you think that would work?

We had to get the mail sent to our home, which was very sad because getting the paper and mail were daily highlights.

You are so right about wanting the staff to like her. I hope you can turn this around for her.

Watching the elderly age is pitiful. We were visiting my loved one last night. As I've shared, we've made some friends with the residents. I've taken a liking to one woman in particular who lives in the unit next to my FIL. She reminds me of Mom in a way because she was a stay at home mom and raised four kids (Mom raised five). Her husband worked with my dad ages ago which is coincidental.

Anyway, when I went in last night, she began telling me off. She was asking me why I treat her the way I do; roughing her up, pushing her around, talking to her in such a mean voice, etc. She was angry and getting loud. I'd never seen her that way. Ross and I were trying to calm her down, telling her I hadn't even been there, we didn't know what she was talking about, etc. It was awful. I felt attacked even though I know she couldn't help herself.

One of the staff came over and redirected her to her room. She went to her room momentarily, then came back out, sorta recognized me, then began telling me how the staff has been beating her up, smacking her, and pushing her in her room. I know that none of this is true. They may get short with the residents every now and then, but they are never forceful in any way.

These poor elderly people have lost their minds, literally.

Next, a lady whom we often joke around with, walked by us stone-faced, didn't even acknowledge us, went to the door and tried to get out, setting off the alarm.

After we left our loved one, we went out on the parking lot and were talking with my brother-in-law when the nurse came out to get us because our loved one dropped to the floor and they wanted our help. Honestly, we were a wreck when we left there last night. He was absolutely fine. He does this thing where he sorta slowly and gently slithers downt to the floor, never hurting himself, but then won't get up. God only knows what's going through his mind.

I'll be thinking of you delivering this news to your mom. But I recommend taking the blame off yourself. We've been told it's absolutely okay to do this. Please let me know how it goes.

Dotsie thank you so much for giving me your excellent advice. I have taken it to heart, and will tell my mother, that the court ordered psychiatrist suggested that I take over her mail.

I also hope to distract her immediately by planning a trip with her for an overnight at a lovely lake. I already asked Hubby if he would like to come along. Hahaha…oh well, at least I asked. I was also thinking of giving the nurses a huge box of chocolates. My brother suggested a pack of chewing gum…heee heee…(that’s typical my brother).

Oh dear, I can imagine how shocking that must have been to be told off from a lady; - not knowing why, and who even reminds you of your mother. I’m sure that can get under the skin, and that, - despite all the logical thinking in the world. That’s what all this comes down too. Nothing is logical in these people’s minds. I know you have such a good giving heart, Dotsie,…but preserve your strength just for your loved one. You see what comes out of your kindness with people who have the ‘missing porcelain syndrome’? They just don’t have all their ‘cups in their cabinet’.

Someone who does not want to get up off the floor seems like he’s cemented to it. I experienced that once when my mother had a mild stroke. It was as if she weighed a ton. I’m surprised the nurses asked for your help. What if you weren’t there?

Your support has lifted me. Thank you again, my friend.

Mom took the news better than I thought. Probably because she has terrible athritis pain today, and couldn't care less about anything else.
I told her when she's up to it, we will go on a trip together. That seemed to comfort her, and will give her a reason to study magazines for ideas on what and where we can go.
I'm so glad this is behind me. And I am so glad I am cutting off her mail now and forever. Whew.

Glad for you that you deal in peace, with mail scamsters on behalf for your mother.

Which area do you want to take her on a trip?

Just a thought Edelweiss.
imagine if someone cut you off from internet..removed the place that even bws fills.That indeed is what the mail will represent for you Mother.
Staff often have limited training..those at the top do..often in business and money making.
Replacing the area that the mail meant means being creative...postcards...sent from wherever you or your brother are..something tangible that she can hold...pen friends...even one who dialogues about whatever interests your Mother from her past...
fan clubs...writing to the newspapers.magazine subscriptions..talking books
having a student take notes for a memoir...she needs a reason..a reason that was tapped into by the mailshots..
I'd send a card from here regularly .
Staff are fickle...whatever you see at first often is uncovered just like any group..but there is life after...lets just find what it is for your Mother.

MA, I quote:
That is exactly the reason why it has taken so long for me to do this to my mother. I feel horrible about it, but sorry to say had no choice. Her arms are covered with a horrible rash, which comes from some cheap skin scream that she ordered from China. She can’t stop ordering stuff, and has been sending cash to these scam artists. If I hadn’t put a stop to this, her rent money would be depleted.

Last night I gave her a call, and she sounded so happy. For the first time, she left her room in the evening and joined some other residents on the balcony. A grandson was visiting one of the ladies, and entertained the group with jokes and stories. She laughed and mingled…instead of crept behind her mountains of mail.

I’m so glad I did this.

I don’t think you can compare my visiting BWS with my mother’s mail scam addiction.

So sweet of you to offer to send my mother a card. Thank you MA. But since the mail is now redirected to me, I don’t think that is necessary. She also gets plenty of private mail, since she has many friends in Germany and the US.

There are so many activities offered in the home…and now she finally has the time to participate.

Orchid, I was thinking along the lilnes of taking a trip on a passenger ship on the Donau. We'll see what she comes up with.

My apologies if I said something out of turn... no harm was intended.

I know you didn't mean any harm, Mountain Ash. It's okay.

Edelweiss, great idea, yes, the court ordered psychiatrist would be a good answer. Have you broken the news to her yet?

When we aren't there, they manage. Several of them had to drag him to his room before because he wouldn't get up. It's so pathetic.

Oh, just read that you've told her. What a weight off your shoulders. I'm so glad that's behind you.

Mountain, I'd also send her a card. What a sweet idea. Very thoughtful.

I'm tickled to hear she's mingling. That's the best thye can do. I hope she begins to join in all the activities. I think it boosts their spirits when they are active and communicating with others.

Seven months! My mother has been living in the senior home all ready seven months!

How is your FIL doing, Dotsie?

During the seven months, my mother has been in the hospital 4 times. This last visit was because she got blood poisoning from an untreated corn on her foot. Can you believe it?
But now she is fine, and will be home tomorrow. Also her shingles are almost healed. The most drastic change is her increasing dementia. But I have finally come to terms with that.

The bitterness and sorrow, I’ve been feeling, as I watch my mother lose her independence and identity, has been replaced by acceptance. I need that to live my own life, sensing the loss, but at the same time realizing this is all a part of living. I have finally learned to care and love, while remaining independent.