These ladies have lots of wisdom. Dotsie's "list" is a good one.
EW, that happened to me once, too. I was all set to give his ring back, and HE came to my house. I, too, was upset yet relieved. That was long ago.

As I'd mentioned in another post, it's "affirmation" that we need. You will get thru this, Expat. As with any severing of a bond, the body needs to heal. It hurts and itches and hurts some more. Sometimes therapy is needed to get YOU back on track.

I'm soo sad for you, my friend. I wish I could be where you are. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get going on the healing journey.

I say cancel the concert. How are you going to "heal" from that severed "arm" by re-attaching the BAD one!

I think he is "being himself"...cold and manipulative.

I know, these ladies are wise, Di. Plus you and Edelweiss know exactly how I feel. Maybe it is pride, too, but certainly a broken heart. Yes, even though I haven't felt anything for him in a very long time, this cuts deep.

I've calmed down a bit now as I took your advice, Dotsie and went outside to water in the weed killer with my son!


As for your questions, you have given me food for thought.

I don't miss the house as such. I miss the feeling of "home" but I think that's natural living in rented accommodation instead of your own home.

I definitely miss the cat. My daughter is actually moving again and says she should be able to take him. I hope she can, as that will be better for me to visit without having to see my husband for a while.

As for him and "ever after". I believe I miss the "old" him and still wonder why he "left" me. That I find the hardest, I think. Ever after, I'm not sure. I will have to give that more thought. Off the top of my head, I can say this. All I ever wanted was to have a normal family life. I feel as if he took that away from me when his behaviour changed after the children were born. Having said that, I truly believe that our cultural differences played a big part in where we are now. However, I also have to take some of the blame for not standing up to him during his cruel spells. That is something a lot of people have said to me and I have to reluctantly agree. But he didn't treat me right and still thinks he did nothing wrong. There is one more thing I have to be honest about. I don't think he was a good father. I've defended him to my children for a long time over that issue, and it still hurts me dearly that they don't have a good relationship with him, but I think it's time I stopped defending him. That hurt on their behalf will never go away, but I have to let it go. I also think that because we haven't split anything financially yet, I still feel I am in limbo.


One more thing..while I've been writing, I texted my husband to cancel tomorrow night's concert. He asked why I cancelled and I explained I was too emotional right now and wouldn't be able to cope with it. His reply was basically this..Ok, I was going to call tonight but thought it better to give you time, as you seemed pretty upset. My reply, in so many words, was that I reminded him he was going to call me the other night to ask how I was but didn't. But then I added that it was obvious he really didn't give a **** and probably haven't for a long time!

To which I haven't received a reply!

I'm feeling a bit better but will need to say good night for now. I'll be back tomorrow. Thank you all again for talking with me.

Thanks Jabber! It is important for every woman to refill her energy tank everyday! You deserve it and no guilt allowed! That was the hardest thing for me to learn when I first became a single mom. I felt guilty if I took time for myself. I felt I was taking time away from my children, but I realized by taking time for me I was really investing in them. I had more patience and more energy.
Everyone was happier!

(((Expat)))...Oh, sweetie.....you can NOT take on any blame for not standing up to him during his "cruel" spells. Matter of fact, NO ONE can or should try to stand up to abuse. I don't know your whole story, but I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse (some physical); it wasn't until I read; The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that I found out what was happening to me. That book should be required reading for everyone on the planet. 1 in 3 women are bing abused; I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group.

Knowing the difference between our stuff and their stuff is a major key. abuse is a CHOICE. Always a choice; if it were not, they would disrespect, abuse other people; abuse is usually done in private.

Have you thought about getting into some counseling?

I am available to talk to if you would ever like to (wacalice@aol.com)

Those people who told you you needed to stand up to him.....they are wrong. They don't understand. An abuser (which he sounds like) does not care what you think or say, so you are wasting your time. you can NOT defend yourself against an abuser.

All you can do when you hear cruelty and abuse.....is remove yourself from that toxicity.

I know about wanting "ever after"----Talk about feeling betrayed......

My hugs and love and prayers go out to you dear new sister.

Love, Alice

P.S. (Expat))): Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT try to figure his behavior out.....you will spend all of your time doing that and NEVER be able to understand it. You are living in 2 realities.....he isn't in the one you are in.

you will go crazy trying to figure him out. I know; I spent THIRTY-SIX years trying to understand the ex. Then I got it!! He was/is narcissistic, personality disordered, and I spent all of that time trying to figure his behavior out. No one can do that

So then I disengaged; what a relief to stop thinking about HIM, and making plans to escape the abuse.

We cannot understand them, because we are NOT like them. They aren't feeling the anguish and pain that we are.

Sending Love and Hugs, Alice

THANK YOU, Alice, for these words for Expat. I've known her a LONG time and she needs to here all of this!

Beating ourselves up is NOT going to make us heal. We'll just hurt from new abuse!

Expat.....read the above from Alice again and again. Then take heed!!

Amen!

And again I say Amen. Thanks for your words of wisdom Alice.

Hi Alice,

I appreciate your advice and I've actually just had a peek at the evaluation pages of the book you suggested. I'm embarrassed to say that maybe what I experienced was a mild form of abuse, as some of his actions weren't as severe or intense as those described. From there, I looked up the definition of both verbal and emotional abuse in Wikipedia and I definitely saw parts of my husband in there. One paragraph in particular describes what a healthy relationship should look and feel like and mine was definitely not healthy. However, as with many other women, I felt as though I had to stay together for the children, but have now realized, albeit very late, that it was time to move on.

In as much as he never physically abused me, there were a few episodes where he "snapped" with the children, though. It was devastating at the time and it should have opened my eyes to the truth, but I'm afraid I let that go, too. As you said yourself, it takes a long time for someone to actually face up to the fact that they should be somewhere else!

You are right when you say I have to stop trying to figure him out. I am still looking for reasons and answers and I should accept the fact that I will never get them. But it's hard. I feel I need "closure" with our relationship and yet I know he doesn't feel the same. I continue to feel as if he "waffles" through excuses as to why things happened.

In answer to your question about counselling, I've been to counselling both on my own and with my husband. My initial solo counselling session at least gave me the confidence to separate from him the first time, but I felt he manipulated himself back into the house and vulnerable as I was, I let him. That I feel was my biggest mistake, as I felt so much better without him. Who knows why we do the things we do?

As for the marriage counselling, it certainly brought up some strange responses from him, which again, puzzled me but I was sucked into thinking he might be sincere. It took me another 4 months before I actually left him again and this is where I am at present. Even though I am now out of it, do you still think it wise for me to read the book?