YES, please read the book. Knowledge is power...without that book, I never would have realized there was a name for what I was experiencing (verbal abuse), and also as a child
There is NO such thing as "mild" abuse. ALL abuse is damaging.

One should NEVER go into counseling with the abuser....either the abuser will abuse you later on (happened to me), or the abused will be afraid to say anything, and nothing can happen. Amazingly, many therapists miss the abuse dynamics, since aubsers are master manipulators (everyone thinks they are mr. Nice GUy.

They have issues from the past and they take it out on the person the are supposed to love.

Abuse is also literally brainwashing. THe same techniques used in POW camps, are the same ones abusers use (See Biderman's chart of Coercion and/or The Stockholm Syndrome.

One thing you should know: Abuse is a CHOICE, always a CHOICE, if it were not, they would abuse others; they don't they do it behind closed doors.

Unless an abuser is willing to get therapy (ALONE) to work on their issues, they will never change. THey rarely believe they have a problem, anyway.

YES, PLEASE read that book, and tell me what you think. FOr me, it was as if Patricia was writing just about me, but in reality she was writing about millions of women.

Hugs, Alice

Thanks for responding Alice.

What you described is definitely my husband. To be honest, there have been more signs of his manipulating ways very recently. You know what mostly bothers me? The fact that he's been doing it all along, it's been right there in front of me all these years, and I still didn't see it!

I can only attribute that naivety to the part of me that still believes in romantic love. I should really start growing up!

I'll definitely get the book and let you know what I think.

Trust me, this is the experience of most abused women. It took me 25 years to understand what was happening to me (when I read the book).

I thought if I just hung in there long enough, he would get it. Not.

Oh, sweetie, you don't need to "grow up:---You just need information.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the book. One Ph.D. said that it was "the cornerstone of civilization." I concur.

I will be going on the radio to speak about verbal abuse in a few weeks. I have been working like a Trojan for over 10 years to get the message out there regarding abuse. Few people understand verbal abuse, and even therapists, unless they have been specifically trained, miss it. How shocking is that!!

Alice do you feel writing about you abusers actions helped to get over the devastation they caused you for so long? I truly believe there is healing in writing, then reading, and realizing how foolish it sounds to you to have taken so much crap for so long. What do any of you think who has suffered some kind of abuse??

Writing has always been the best therapy for me. Actually it is rather odd when you think about it. Why should written thoughts heal, especially if they are your own thoughts?

For me, too....I started to write down any compliment got, and then read it later, if i was feeling down.

I've written my memoir, and have a publisher interested....I think written thoughts heal, because you have brought them out of your head and can actually look at them and read them. Think it is a psychological thing (me studying psychology, LOL)...imagine a student at 62....

In addition to: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com.....I continued to write and all of those poems (or most) are in my book.

Hugs, Alice

I am not sure it helped; it was something I felt compelled to do.....my poetry was definitely healing (I think); it just all poured out. I plan to get it published.

I can say it never sounded foolish (or felt foolish) for me to have stayed as long as I did. There were reasons, and until I found the book (The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans), I didn't even know there was a WORD for what I was experiencing (verbal abuse); once I knew that I went on a crusade, talking, writing and trying to get the message out there.
I have always said, we can't know what we don't know.

Once I DID know; I was all over it, LOL...it took me 5 more years, but I got out.

Hi everyone,

I know I've been seen scattered around recently, but I thought I'd pop in here to give you an update.

The papers have been drawn up for the divorce but since hubby has been in the States at his sister's wedding there is a delay in the process. The day before he was due to fly, he was called into his solicitor's office and shown the papers. Although he had a go at me before he left, he agreed he will not fight it. I certainly hope he feels the same way on his return.

Although there were still occasions where he has played his mind games with me,I have been getting more confident about standing up to him. I just hope he doesn't resume those tactics again, as they can be rather draining. It's been especially nice since he's been away, as both my son and I have been more relaxed.

The three of us (my daughter included) are planning a trip to the States in December in order to spend Christmas with my side of the family. It is something I've always wanted to do and I pray it will materialize. I believe we all need a break.

I want to thank you all for your support in "carrying" me through my difficult time and hope you are all well.

Expat, you are in control of your life! You go girl!

I am happy things are working out for you, Expat. It will be nice for the three of you to travel to the States for Christmas.
Prayers and blessings,