My thoughts are that I want to talk to her about this. I feel that even if she does stay at her Dad's that she should spend some time at my home. Many divorced parents share custody, in my current order I am the primary care giver but the ex has shared custody with me. Up until a month ago he never had the kids for any length of time, never had them weekends, or in the summer. I have always had them. I still want to be in her life but while she is at her Dad's I rarely see her

I am responding to this point alone, on daughter's development and well-being plus the daughter-mother relationship:

You need to have a friendly dialogue with daughter. It is not clear at this time and probably not to your daughter(?) what she wants in terms of her primary residence --yours or your ex's house. Or if it should be 50% time at your place.

I suspect your daughter's gut feeling that she knows in her heart, to live with you means she must follow-through to become accountable for what she does/does not do (school, etc.) but she gets to live in a more sane environment with her mom who is also a very important, positive adult female mentor to her development. The latter alone is a powerful reason why I hope your daughter will live with you at least part-time. She needs to find herself...in a sane, supportive environment.

Will your ex provide her all the food and money for her to buy her own clothing, necessities if she does not work?

This is tough, because in dialogue with your daughter, you do not want to be perceived as someone in some sort of tussle with ex, where daughter feels like a pawn in a power struggle between 2 parents.

I took my daughter out for lunch today as today is the day for her to decide as it has been one month. She is moving back home.
She went on and on about her Dad, how annoying he is and how selfish.

She also knows he is going to be really mad at her and she says with him it's all about the money.

So, in a way this was a good thing and a great learning experience. Her friend wants to move back home too as she feels unwelcome. My daughters Dad is demanding more money from the friends mother.

Thought I'd share. I am so happy as I miss her and she will move out sooner than later so I want her home with me until then.
Kate

That's good news Kate. I hope this has been an eye-opening experience for her and that she will appreciate you more when she moves back. Best of luck with it all!

I voluntarily changed the subject line abit..because Kate this is a wonderful change for you and your daughter to be together again under 1 roof.

So happy for you!!

I hate to say I told you so but reading back through the posts, I did!!! Doing the happy dance for you both.

Well things have changed quit a bit. My daughter is now going to stay at her Dad's.

He lets her stay at her boyfriends house over night. She just turned 17 three months ago. He says she is almost an adult, what can you do, she's going to do it anyway etc. etc. I call it a cop out. He doesn't want her to leave so is doing whatever to keep her there. He has no rules and doesn't want her to be mad at him so he gives in. She says he understands and I don't.

She was here Easter weekend and I had a long talk with her. I told her that when she is at my house that there is no way she can stay overnight at her boyfriends. I told her it is disrespectful for her and me. I had just found out she was doing this. Her Dad and she were keeping it from me. She told me all her friends do it and what's the problem. I tried to explain but she went off crying. I had told her that as long as she continues with this she cannot live here. So she stubbornly said then she will stay at her Dad's. There is no reasoning with her.

Her Dad doesn't even know this guy. I have never met him either. Her friends don't like him and tell me he has a drinking problem. All I know is that he is 19 and works in construction. He lives in a room above a store with some other guys.

I am so worried for her but she tells me she is smart, and knows what she is doing.

It is really hard to stay firm but I have to. I am not going to change my standards for her, just because everyone else is doing it. It's a shame but what can I do?

Kate

I'm sorry to hear about this latest development, Kate. It must be truly difficult to see your daughter allow herself to get caught into another complicated situation that will not help her, given her age.

And her need to finish /graduate from high school. It chills me when some (lost) young people in North America do not understand the value of their basic education and how much it can affect their future.

It is deeply troubling that her father hasn't even met the guy at all.

Kate, sounds like Canada is getting the same low morals as here in Europe. Teenagers stay overnight at their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s house all the time. I was shocked, but like everything else…even that you can get used to. Our son’s did overnights when they were 18 and their girlfriend’s were just 16.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t condone it. But the arguments the parents have here is, they rather know where their child is then having them take off somewhere secretly.

When I think back, no way would I have wanted to sleep with a boyfriend under my parent’s roof. In this case, your daughter is visiting her boyfriend’s apartment. Geez..they have coed dorms now. And those kids are just a year older.

I say don’t dwell on that issue to much. Make sure your daughter takes birth control pills, and just concentrate on her schooling. That is what really is important.

My biggest concern is her safety. She just turned 17 and goes on the bus alone at night back from the boyfriends house. He is not even really a boyfriend. She tells me he is just friend, maybe with benefits who knows.

I find her self-esteem is so low and it's obvious as she doesn't go anywhere with this guy. He doesn't take her out or come to her place. She just goes over to his place. He is 19 and has room-mates. My biggest fear is if some weird people come over and my daughter gets into a situation she can't handle.

As for school she skips so much that she probably won't pass the year. Last year she made the honour role. I showed her the certificate the other day. She just shrugged her shoulders.

It's very frustrating and her Dad just buries his head in the sand.

For now I am doing nothing and see where it leads. She really doesn't want to stay at her Dad's and when the boyfriend gets boring she may change her mind and move back with me. They think they know it all at this age.

Kate

If she should still hang out with this guy for a long time, for your own awareness if your daughter is agreeable, to encourage her to bring him to say hi or have a coffee/picnic/snack in park somewhere for all 3 of you. Probably better if your younger son wasn't around at such meeting so you don't have to worry much.

When my partner had problems with his son, who dropped out of high school temporarily within the last 6 months before he was about to finish Gr. 12, he and his ex sent out 1 common message individually to him: If you won't go to school, get a job. Oh yea, he became a father at age 21 with a girlfriend, who is now an ex. To make a long story short, he shares joint custody of a little son, with ex-girlfriend. He is happily married to different highly motivated, organized young woman and he is a chef who has been reviewed by his local city. He has been building his skills through some college courses, reading cookbooks and experimenting. Yes, whenever he sees his father (my partner), we are treated to gourmet real cheffy meals.

Which he did get a job for 1.5 yrs., then return to school to finish, etc. The only saving grace that probably prevented him from falling further into an abyss, is he did /still does have a great set of good friends long-term that didn't do much or any drugs, limited drinking, etc.


It is a more complex journey to come back to true core self. Keep your belief in your daughter and you are telling her that. Has she ever been given a problem to solve that will capitalize on her artistic skill? I am asked as the family member to do hand calligraphy off-the-cuff, for certain family celebrations.