It seems to me there is always stress one way or another within our family. I wish I were a duck, and all the grief would just roll off my back…But I think I'm a sponge instead,… I soak up all the squabbles and bickering and bitchy attitudes… I get heavier and heavier…till I just want to pick up my feet and run. I want to escape from everyone. The worst part is, I never seem to do the right thing. Everyone runs to me and drops their problems on my back,…They don't want any suggestions or solutions, if I do that,..then it's suddenly none of my business, or someone finds out what I said, and they feel ganged up on.

I'm sooooooo sick of it. And to make things worse…my Hubby criticizes me as well! He isn't any help at all. He riles me all up in the background, and then gracefully fades away when heads start bumping.

An island. I want to go to an island, drink coconut milk and eat fruit all day. I want to soak up the sun, swim naked and just feel alive.
I want to escape from all these voices and pesterings going on. Especially if THEY have problems, and I end up as their scape goat. Ugh. Ugh Ugh.

Are there really story book families out there, where everyone is one heart and harmony? I don't mean the families that see each other only once in a while. I think those are probably the healthiest ones. I mean the families where everyone has regular contact with one another. I do know there are exceptions. My relationship to my mother and brother is very intense and loving. I guess I'm blessed to have at least that.

We definitely have occasional issues in my immediate family and with sibs. Here's what I'm trying to do. I'm working hard at setting boundaries. I'm not picking up a problem that I don't want or own. I'm not trying to be the fixer, connecter, caregiver, person who is always trying to make everything right for everyone. How exhausting. I'm letting others do it, and it's working.

Example: I didn't want to be the one to organize Dad's daily care. I'm happy to help, but I've been the family organizer, party planner, gatherer, etc for years. I don't mind that, but I didn't want to pick up the organizer of Dad's care. The miraculous thing is that another sister picked it up and she's fantastic at it. I so appreciate her weekly emails with the days broken out and spots to sign up. It's beautiful. She tells us the days he has doctor appointments and other goings on that need to be tended to.

And to think that I could have very easily picked that up and would be doing it (and probably not as well) is eye opening.

Why do we have to do it all when there are others who can help just as easily, and probably want to, but maybe we haven't let them?

I don't know if this is a good example that you can relate to, but it's the first one that came to mind.

Another thing I'm trying to do is not perpetuate the negative talk, and it ain't easy.

I don't know if you know people who have the attitude that life's a bitch and then you die. I don't believe it at all, but I have a habit of jumping on a bandwagon when someone's complaining. Sometimes I add crap so they think they aren't the only one who has something rotten going on.

I'd rather focus on the positive because there is so much to be grateful for regarless of the situation. I find myself sounding like a Pollyanna and switch gears to join in others misery, when really if they had a different attitude, life ain't all that bad. You just have to look for the grace.

EW, have you considered taking off by yourself for a couple days of fun and sun, soaking it up, and coming back revitalized and better able to face the negative people? It might work.

Just remember, you aren't alone. That's for sure.

I'm guessing every family has its ups and downs. I'm with you, ED3. I would like to hide away on some island, too.

I'll meet you at the cabana. Can we add a little rum to that coconut?

Dotsie,
That sounds real good to me.

One or two shots, Dotsie? Are you coming too Jabber! YES! Let's all chill at the beach.

Want to dream a little with me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ITq7TZGhls

My dear, sweet Edelweiss, I'll come along to the isalnd if you don't mind. My life is filled with much the same. I work a horrendously stress filled job and have subtle but real digs at home that shows his unhappiness. I so want to run away but when I get THAT discouraged I think "how would I ever make it on my own?" and so it goes.....he's fine and nice and things start all over again. I know things are stressful for everyone but sometimes, I want to run. I drive my car and think "I want to get away".....would I be happy? I don't know.....that's the problem.

Dotsie, what an honest message you gave here. Yes, I can relate to the organizing example. Also, wow, did I ever have an eye opening experience with my Mom and step father this month. How can I be nearly 55 and just now see with new eyes how negative and controlling my step f is? I let him off easy in the book, that's for sure. Was I in denial? Did I minimize so I would not go crazy? So, in response to your example, he would open the newspaper first thing in the morning, and read the headline, and say something negative. And I asked him, "Do you expect me to respond to that?" He'd get the mail, and throw it on the counter, and complain about the junk mail, and I'd ask, "Do you expect me to respond to that?" I realized what a robot I had been, jumping on his band wagon, yeah, it's all crap, and then we die. Got that out, now back to EW.

I've never experienced normal, so I don't know what it is. I do know that criticizing is not only not normal, it is also not loving or cherishing. LJ, EW, I feel exactly like you both... I often wonder how happy is happy, how normal is normal, but all I can come up with is love is what is, and if not that, then what? And what if there was love for a time, and that time ran out? Or if love changes form? I think normal would be lifting each other up instead of putting each other down, complimenting not criticizing, supporting not sabatoging.

Ladyjane, your question "how would I ever make it on my own?" is what holds me back as well. I don't have my own retirement plan. I actually started one about 15 years ago, and Hubby told me to cancel it. So that makes me damn stuck, and stupid me didn't have any backbone at the time. So next time I hop in the car and just drive wondering what the hell is going on with my life, I'll think of you, my friend, and wish we were in the same car.

Dotsie, you are so very right about staying out of things, and not trying to make everything right. It's sad, because I always thought that is what family is about. At least you have a wonderful loving marriage, on which you can fall back on. I never get moral support from my husband. Just yesterday he said he thinks I should get psychiatric help. That takes the cake. Instead of reprimanding how others are acting, he sees the fault in me. It's a no win situation.

Princess…I have to repeat your quote; "…Or if love changes form? I think normal would be lifting each other up instead of putting each other down, complimenting not criticizing, supporting not sabotaging." Yes. I so agree. Why do we all see that? And so many others don't? With "A's" parents, and I speak of both of them, they see me as a threat, because "A" still begs to come back home, to my home. Their marriage is on the rocks, and the atmosphere is bad. No wonder my grandchild wants to escape. When I suggest, which I will never do again, that we take her for a weekend, just to give the little one some normality back, I get screaming replies, we are the parents and we decide what we do with "A". Oh brother. And then I get the raised wagging finger from my husband, who no matter what topic it is, brings up my mother, and says she is more important then he is. All these jealous people around me! It's awful. And Princess, - sounds like you're Stepfather is a negative controlling person as well. I know what you are talking about.

Anne327, if that train leads to a warm island…oh yes…don't forget the rum!

I ask myself, is this the life I want for the next 20-30 years? And the answer is a definite no. And as usual, the ticket to independence is money. So I am trying to pick up the pieces again, and see, - despite this economy, that I can earn enough to buy that ticket to freedom.