Hi Dianne: My heart aches for you as I've had a very similar experience; and I, too, have become turned off by "organized religion."

I've found, through this board, and Faithwriters, an online group that I am able to find refreshment in; and of all things, through my writing group.

Our relationship with Christ is above all the most important part of our walk. Ted Dekker is an author very much in the limelight today, and he explores the subject of how the church just doesn't get it.

I get to interview him soon, and I have some questions for him; I stumbled upon "When Heaven Weeps," and I've never in my entire life had a more moving experience in my life. The story is not Christian fiction - many Christians have expressed dislike, even hate, at the story, because it exposes mankind's inability to see itself through the eyes of Christ, and to experience what God is - Love! Passionate, obsessive, the great romance type of love.

After I read "When Heaven Weeps," I underwent an inner cleansing, much needed at the time. I immediately went and purchased the rest of his books, and each one has helped me, exposed me, and driven me to frantically seek the fullness of God's love for me.

And I've been disappointed by the "Church."

For many reasons, I don't attend church regularly: ex-girlfriends of my husband being one of them; my health; and "fitting in." Because pain keeps me housebound at times, especially in winter, I find solace in fellowship with friends and writers, and e-mail has opened up another avenue of communication, which reminds me of Paul's letters to the various churches.

I see myself in a non-traditional church setting, and I long for one in which I feel welcomed and not condemned if I can't be there every Sunday; Sometimes I feel closer to God just watching a sunset, or reading a book, looking at a photograph, feeling the unabashed joy my dogs feel when I come home, and an instant connection with an e-buddy or two.

I've even thought of starting my own "church," but hate to even call it "church." Over the years, the word itself has attached itself to many unpleasant things and given the world an unGodly view of the true meaning of "Christian."

During the past year, I've felt God drawing me closer through some of the most bizarre ways, and he's opening new avenues - maybe he's disillusioned also?

You all know I'm doing the editor thing at Sisters in the Lord, and the whole thing came about in a very weird way. I sent in a submission. No big deal. A couple weeks later, I was invited to choose a position (volunteer), and I qualified for all of them, but thought I'd enjoy photography the most. But it seems God has a plan for me, and I almost missed it.

Through Sisters in the Lord, my "church" family has grown to include many special people who each minister to me, fellowship with me, and learn with me.

I guess I just wanted to say that you are not alone; and there are many who feel as you do. The church who doesn't want you to participate because of your husband's behaviors is way off the mark, though. And it's that kind of church that Jesus wouldn't attend.

The sick need healing and comfort, not a puffed-up diatribe about "acceptable behavior." I'd be shaking the dust from my feet from that place, in a flash. Don't they realize it's exactly these types of situations where God is needed the most? And not to condemn, but to lift up and cherish and breathe new life.

So sorry you've had this experience. I'll speak to God about it in prayer.

Di