Hannelore, I'm just waking up and reading this entire posting. My heart goes this way and that with every post. They ALL give such good thoughts and advice. But I'm stuck on Kathy's advice. That's where my heart settled....such good points. It's a tough situation in all scenarios. But the baby's stability seems so much better right where she's at. My heart feels for you on all accounts. Not easy...but by September will it not all be worth it? Then it's entirely up to your son and DIL to put the pieces back together on their own. Thinking of you, dear Hannelore!

LADIEJANE....snapp how i fell exactlie, the pros and cons of the situasion are wild.

...GIMS SUMED IT UP...While focusing on the ball, Anaiya's mom may be juggling what comes first - child vs. Olympics. Pursuing the Olympics might bring big rewards which could be beneficial for the family in the long run. At the same time, it could break the family apart.....sadlie the realitie.

SOOOOO what can be done not to let the familie brake apart....hold it together for a bit somehow anyway that ya can...

I know the helplessness you feel having a little one cry for a situasion that we as adults can do nuthing about, at end of day its not our call or is not in our power to change it....the powerless, helplessness, frustrasion and pain horrendes when its our beloved kids that hurt....
I like your sons take on the situasion, she would more than liklie (unless she an angel) resent what brought her back and missing this small window of chance she has....i would agree and admire his control and willingness to let his wife do as she is, he's wise in manie ways....it would have to be "her" say that she come home and miss the olimpics...

iv loads to say on this topic and at the same time a big need to shut up, im sending you the biggest hugs i have...and treading carefullie as this is so emotive and important...to all concerned

the wee one is setting dowen patterns that will (could) turne into bluprints for the rest of her life, that love or securitie from her mum (generalised as all people) could be transient and always vanish....if could be a blueprint that follows into adulthood relashionship dynamics.... (oh bugger this can't be easie for her mum either,) i bet theirs a wh9ole load of greef and guilt on her part ....and the dailie ritual and growth of her kid, once come and gone will be lost forever to her mum....i don't know if this effects the kids, Who rembers thier first steap? or its the parent that misses so much and can never have that time back....but dailie patterns are more importnt for the kid..

she will miss the mum the inituale time of sepearation will be horrible for her, the blueprints above MIGHT become a relashionship pattern....BUT THEN again maybee NOT, maybee not..

in manie ways you are powerless over the Dl and what patterns Ayna develops. This is a complex situasion of juggling the needs of mums and children, both are people both have humane writtes...its less hard with the son as the contact is more regulare and frequint, its predictible and regulare its not the same as the mums type of contact...Id call a man for being outa line with parenting as quick as a flash however it is a bit diffrent (regularitie, freqincie, predictabilitie)and i do hate (and love) to say this parenting is parenting but the relashionship between mums dads and kids is differnt....tradisionalie and often in practices...as i say i love and hate this fact at same time.

trying to think be back in moment...

....you know what wee tips i do i talk with l often about my parner in a nice way, try to encourage video link ups via internet, its diffrent wen you the kid can see the parnet...ok no stimulating conversasion but it brings a feeling of closness into their relashionship and at 2 she little understanding of words...maybee try see how she reacts to this, seeing her on computer, dose it help, maybee try and see....

have a special calender for her mark dadie days heer dadie days gone, ...she make a link to the pattern of routine and the calender has some concept of time in a visule way that will help her, do the same but diffrent couler markes of days for the mum arriving...hopefullie she will generilise that dad arrives heer mum arrives there, counting dowen days visulie will have her give her a time frame and ALSO AN ASSURANCES that mum will arrive....

kids can tolirate separation allthough painfull for them, securitie and the need not to feel like their abandoned is so so so important, maybee dailie contact aint necasarie as much as securitie is necasarie and the knowlafge, (making a 2 yr old understand tough) that the parent WILL return...after a period of seperasion might help steam the risk of abandonment creeping into the blue print of relashionship dynamics.....

positivlie and what is within your control is that the kid needs to feel secure that it is loved cared for and is safe, YOU ALREADIE DO THIS...keep doing it (i know ya will) in that way your saving and feeding the humain desireee to bond and need for secoritie, love, saftie etc that is so vital for her feel of saftie....that her survival is assured, no matter if mum is their or not....sometimes it matters less about WHO fills this role as long as it is filled.....

heer a quick example, my mum worked, i was nearlie abducted, it was interupted, my gran looked after me. After that event my mum stayed at home....for whatever reason and it may not be that she worked during my initiol bonding i didn't have a great bonding relashionship with my mum. I did with my gran, i don't rember the earlier yrs but i do rember that CONSISTENTLIE she (my gran) made me feel safe and loved wen i was a bit older(as an adult i understand this verie well).....sometimes it reallie dosen't matter who this sences or energie or feeling comes from just that it is present from someone....At the minuet your and your hubbie is being that "someone", the fears about the future harm as oposed to just the hurt of aynea might not come to fruition.

she will be hurt wen mum leaves but maybee not harmed in perment way...

its about all i can offer at the moment, dose knowlage help, try attactment theies, melanie beattie if i rember rightlie, try reading her then move on to others that link up in da search, reading and interpriting for yourself might help! it dose for me, then i get dizzie with all i re-read at lest it feels like i got a bit more control if i have knowlage....so the need never stops lol

everie onces and a while i get a big feeling that id love cofe and a face to face chatt and this is one of those times. youve reallie moved me and i am hopefull of the overall situasion as i have faith in you HL dear hart.

do all of what you can do to the best of your abilitie. Let go of the rest, try to quiten your fears of the future for your grandkid, take it in 24 hour chunks, and let god/the universe whatever your term be, take good care of the rest once we done what is humanlie possible, the rest is unknowen and can't be predicted or accounted for....

ok i am away to buy birthday cake...
my thought be with you, untill the suger rush kiks in with da kids then it be all hands on deke...take care today, hope iv helped in some way.

Yes Celtic and Jane, I think this would be a hung jury. The arguments on either side are excellent, and I found myself agreeing with one side, then reading the other and agreeing with the other side. Oh brother, I’m like a flag in the wind.

I checked out some parenting internet sites as well, and asked them their opinion. The experts agreed unanimously that it's best for Anaiya if the mother didn’t always appear and disappear out of her little life. Instead, at the end of the time, they suggested her mother should stay with us a couple of weeks, get to know each other again, and then take her home with her.

But I don't think Nye, the mother, will be willing to do that. Sure, I can understand,...but like I told her, you can't have your cake and eat it too...not at the cost of your child.

I think my son is wise in not giving his wife an ultimatum. That would never work out. But it’s interesting to see what these athletes go through to reach their goals. We watch just a moment on TV, without having a clue what lies behind their hard work. I had no idea that the athletes train at least a year and a half for the Olympics. I see it with different eyes now.

Hannelore,
My birth mom abandoned me when I was 25 months old. Little people may not remember particulars, as your DIL claims. But from one that knows, when a person is very young, trauma can be difficult to overcome. Ana needs love, hugs and kisses and more love. I deeply respect and fondly recall those folks' that loved me when my biological family simply disappeared. My heart goes out to you and Anaiya.
Prayers and blessings...

Celtic dear, I think we posted at the same time.
Yes, this is a time where I would love to be face to face over a cup of coffee, sigh. But still, You have comforted me, and I do feel better. Yesterday I was at my wits end after two hours of Anaiya's non stop heart wrenching crying. This morning she asked for her mommy. She just listened quietly as I explained that mommy has to work. Then we packed her snoopy Kindergarten bag together, and all was forgotton.

I talked to a friend with a degree in early childcare, she had good ideas but did say that 2 to 3 was the most sensitive age for separation anxiety. She had ideas that would work, she said, any way,

_have the mother and grandma be together with the child so that the child knows it's okay to go to grandma when mommy is gone or even if mommy is there. It sets up a trust between the child and grandma that the mother shows approval of.Do things the three of you alone.
_get photo's of mom and if possible get a live video feed from two laptops so the little girl can see mommy often. A photo album is good, and pictures work well. Keep pictures everywhere so the image of mom is always seen.
_Tapes from mom so she can here the voice of her mother will give her something to hold onto while her mother is gone.
_ also, have a calendar where you mark off the days until she will see mom again. It helps her take part in her mother's return.

I know Celtic had some of these ideas and they are brilliant!

She did say that establishing a link between all three, grandmother, mom and daughter is very important. That way the little girl has "permission," to trust grandmother and go to her and she also had the idea that mom is part of it all.

she also said that there are a number of books about separation anxiety that you can get, and that it is a huge subject because two and three are the most sensitive ages for it.

It sounds like a bit of work, but it could work, what do you think?

Great instincts, Celtic! You are gem!

dancer

aye Hl its wen the wanes greet that our hart brakes pusing to our limites or wanting to kill them, (whomever has hurt them)

I also know your so proud of her at the same time, big conflicting emotions their. Your right we don't see or think of the kids or families that make sacrifices for athetes to do their stuff, i just though of it wen you mentioned it...and for women atheties that are mums its harder if kids involved. I wonder if DL could talk to othe athletic mums and find out how their kids worked out and anything they did that made it easier for the child. might learn from good stuff and mistakes that ultimatlie been made by others olimpic mums.

Iv struggled with some of thse issues too and felt lost overwhelmed and lonlie by them. I get conflicting advices, 3 4 5 diffrent directions till it makes my eyes crossed abd my head hurt...iv to go back to work, take longer off work, never let my parner see the child, move to wear my partner is, don't distrupt his world, end the relashionship, tell them whats what all in the name of whats fair or good for the child....trouble is often we have no control over much and people are talking from within their owen experinces and howd i know whats right or true or not...or even fair. Conflicting intrest a strange one, lets hop no one ends up swamped with regreat.

your bound to be pikled over it as well, you used the word flapping like a flag, nice imagerie. Just rember we are allowed not to know and often make do or make it up as we go along. I hope your mind settles and your hart gets less soar for the child. I don't want to turn into into a chat about what situasion i face but i can see certine similarities and when stuffes about our kids how much more presure and important it all is. Still we have limited control and don't know what or how things will turne out in life or within the child or between your son and DIL. again have faith, do the best you can and hope for the best. At lest your chatting to the wee one today telling her mums at work and loving her as you do it. She feel that love and that love can give her saftie and securitie untill her mums readie to go back to more traditional role.

Thank god she had you (child and mum). thank god you took on the role as you have. You are a great asseste and benifit to the mum, the child the situasion as a whole and you could be the saving grace in this all.

glade i could help in a wee way you have my hart and my prayers. good luck love.

thanks for the compliment and pat on the back dancer.

its nice to know my wee ideas and methods are running in parellle to someone theat dedicated a whole lot in child development, i onlie done 1 yr and the rest instinct and i could be wrong or way off in it all or doing hurt and damage in my own way. so as i say its nice to know im not too far off the track.
"That way the little girl has "permission," to trust grandmother and go to her and she also had the idea that mom is part of it all".DANCER QUOTE

This sounds exilent and like bridging the transitorie gap between two loving importnat female figures in childs life, going to one with mums blessing feels right dosen't it....great bit of insight.

its kind ya went and asked advice about this from someone who knows a bit, verie kind of you. At the lest HL got a load of ideas to chose from some practical info and hopefullie a stratigie to be moving forwad with.....and i hope HL you got idea of how important you are in this all and what a hugh diffrences for the better you make to the situasion and for the child.

Hannelore, you and I discussed this on the phone, and I so feel for you taking on this responsibility. I understand also the reasoning behind it. The advice given above, especially what Dancer posted, all such good ideas. I would put then all in place and pray a lot that this all works out. Once the olympics is over your DIL needs to get her butt home and work as hard on her suffering marriage and motherhood as she has on her sport...