I know you won't love them less either. The thing is I do understand the important of males keeping their names and the parents who feel that for them.

Well, This is all new to me! I thought I was "hip," but I've never known anyone to take their wife's name even if she is as famous as famous gets! THAT is the first thing that confuses me. Is that done in Germany because my grandfather who spent much time there says "no." So, I have two son's and I'm having a hard time understanding why your first son took his wife's name. Um...who am I to judge, but I don't get it.

I don't get it even more for son number 2! What is going on here? Is this something that the younger son wants, as Dotsie said, because the older did it? It's beyond me. I kept my name, I had an established career with my name and entertainers do keep their name. I WISH I had my husband's name. He kept his, of course he did! He is proud of his name and who he is! I am confused. Color me puzzled. I'd love to hear what they said the reason is for this sharing of the woman's name!?
Again, I thought I was "hip," but I am really puzzled.
dancer

I would be as hurt as you, Hannelore. For the same reasons.

It seems that the barrier really is your son's non-preference for a hyphenated name, which if done in that way would make everyone happy. Has he stated why?

Simon Le Bon of Duran Duran took his wife, Yasmin's, name. I can't find any reference as to the manner she is addressed now. She could not possibly be called Mrs Le Bon. Perhaps your DIL should consider that. Whose Mrs would she be? She surely cannot be her own Mrs.

As long as your 2nd son knows how you and your hubby feel about this last name adaptation, that's good enough.

Let it go, Hannelore. Please. I'm thinking of the parents who have predominantly daughters and who have married. And not one has adopted nor hyphenated their maiden last name.

For a mixed racial couple, the last name is really can speak for itself on heritage and pride.

My parents have lost this one so far. Even for the daughter who married someone who is of CHinese descent.

YOu would not know from my nieces and nephews names, that they are half-Chinese. There is tremendous meaning and identity in this actually.

I understand traditionally some Germans have really long string of names. My partner's full name using his German first name encompasses 4 names --including his last name.
He has a hyphenated first name in German, that he claims proudly on his birth certificate and all his present legal documents. Hans-Jurgen. But most people use his English first name which he chose himself as a boy after arriving in Canada.

I actually found his German first name wierd...until I started to work for my present German company. Going to parties, I immediately with a smile introduce him wtih his German first name...it immediately establishes an "in" for him (he does know some German) and myself.

As for the "pain" of long, hyphenated last names. Well, I guess. Imagine having a Greek last name. 1 name can have over 15 letters.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts with me on this. I needed that confirmation. Sometimes when I’m arguing, I start to doubt my own feelings.

I will not let this escalate to any huge family controversy. Actually , I’ll tell you, just between us…I feel sorry for my son. He loves his fiancé’ so much, which is good, but she misuses his love and devotion to being a manipulative bitxx . He is punished enough.

There is another reason why my other son took on his wife’s last name. His wife is an Afro-American. Our last name, translated into English means “black”. He didn’t want to give any children a reason to make fun of his future children, so he took on his wife’s name. Since I personally experienced discrimination when I was with my DIL, we agreed totally.

Chatty Happy? Love that name. I’m glad you had the foresight to be able to keep it.

I agree Anno…it’s only a name. That is what’s keeping me from going overboard with this. But to my dismay my other son flipped out, and threatened my oldest son not to be his best man if he should change his name. Oh nooo, I didn’t want that to happen. We have three weeks till the wedding…hopefully time will sooth the feelings between my boys.

Thanks again my friends for always being there with your honest comments.

The latest update:

My two sons argued so heftily that the one getting married sent my other son a sms stating he doesn’t want him to come to the wedding.

So now my husband says if he isn’t invited, we aren’t going either.
I agree. So it has escalated…but my oldest son is doing the escalating, not us.

Never ever have I dreamed that this could happen to us. I’m so deeply disappointed in our son. I also feel anger, because none of us including my other son deserves such a treatment. Our family was always very close knit. This behaviour does not fit into our family and how we have always been there for each other. I can’t help but think, (and I know I sound like the mean Mother- in- Law, …but I just don’t have any other explanation), that my soon to be DIL is behind all this.

My son lives with his fiancé’ in a 3 family house; her parents in one apartment, and her grandmother in another. They sit every evening together and just about live like the Brady bunch. So it’s not like we were any competition or trying to take him away.

There is no excuse that my son is allowing himself to be influenced against us. Another thought that comes to mind is that my son has no say at all in his relationship with this woman, and now he is trying to show us that he has control by letting it out on us and acting irrationally. Does this make any sense?

I’m too angry to cry.

Oh, and yes Dotsie, it is unusual for the man to take the bride’s maiden name in Germany as well.
And orchid, those double first names are like double first names in English…like Mary-Lou or Babara-Ann….I have never met anyone hear with a string of last names, but I guess there are always exceptions.
Lola, your suggestion would be the perfect compromise, but my son hates double names, und therefore would rather take on his wife’s name.

I am so sorry that this seems to be getting out of hand. Pre-wedding stuff can be the pits. Everyone is edgy and little things turn into a war. How odd that both sons are fighting....when one already has his wife's name and the other is about to do the same thing. Is this a protective thing for you and your husband (from your older son)? I do hope, for all of your sakes,that things will simmer down a bit so that the ones doing it will think a little more rationally. I do know bad things can happen.....my spoiled-rotten step-daughter denied her Dad the joy of walking her down the aisle less than two months ago....because he couldn't give the "right amount" of money toward the wedding. On her wedding day, he stayed home angry, crying and completely beside himself. It was awful. So, yes, I do know about evil young women and the control they have. So sorry, Hannelore, I pray it all works out. Keep us posted.

Prepare to attend the wedding anyway, Hannelore. Your older son's attitude might change close to the date i.e. he would want his brother there. Your sons will make up, especially so when the family dynamics have always been close. With all the calmness you can muster, try to keep your communication line with him and the future DIL open. These things often get out of hand when both or all the parties are at loggerheads. Often a contrary attitude, to that which your older son would perhaps expect, might resolve things i.e. a better atmosphere than now.

Hope things resolve between your 2 sons.

Very important to attend your son's wedding --regardless of feelings amongst sons. Your son greatly needs your parental presence at this important life event for him. I am certain he is proud to be the son of you and hubby. You must be there.

I am saying this because my parents strongly opposed my sister's interracial marriage. They did not attend at that time. The lst one that occurred in our family. It took....10 years for the terrible conflict to die out.

I stress....attend this wedding ..because you love your son. It is the strongest signal.

I think your suggestion is good Anne. At this point though, I don't care if my son calls himself Cock-a Doodle -Doo...a name seems so irrelevant now.

Orchid, I took it to heart what you wrote about being there at my son's wedding no matter what. I'm really torn about this. My other son just reacted in our behalf, and now he's been "uninvited"!! I'm feeling more loyal to him, so I don't know really. I hope Lola is right and when the wedding date nears, my older son will come to his senses.

Lady Jane, it is amazing how egotistical and cruel adult children can be. That must have been devastating for your husband.

I'm trying to think positively despite everything...Infact my husband has been joking about the situation all day. I don’t think he really believes this is happening. Even my Mom has taken sides and said we could all head for the hills on my son’s wedding day and stuff ourselves till we roll off some friggin’ mountain.

I just had a drink. Can you tell?