Dotsie,
I am glad that he has a girlfriend so he is not alone, but if I were her mother I would not be happy about it at all. She has been clean for 10 months and after only knowing him for two months she has moved out of her recovery house and now done drugs again. He is not a good influence. But, they will have to work this out for themselves. I cannot take on my son's girlfriends problems. I hope she doesn't become an enabler like I was as this is not what he needs.

I must give kudos to my ex. He told both of them after they came back from a night of doing drugs this " If he (our son) put you in a situation where you used drugs, dump him. And if it was you who encouraged him to use drugs, then he should dump you" I thought that was good advice.

I agree with starting over's mercy theory and it is very true. I have been in and out of counselling since my son was 8, drug related counselling since he was 12 or 13. It's been a long journey and each year I become stronger in a different way. Most recently the counselling I received at Naranon helped me to step outside my mother role and separate from my son emotionally. It was difficult but I have made progress. By not seeing him while he was here I managed to avoid his manipulation. I have to do what works and if that means not seeing him at all, that is what I have to do. It does hurt though but not as much as before. As long as I keep in mind that I am helping him by not helping him, keep the big picture in the forefront, I can stay strong.
Kate