Hi Kate,
My son was on drugs from about age 12 to 20, so I know what you mean about structure and the fact that it seems like they do better while they are in jail. Unfortunately, jail doesn't teach them skills. They are dumped out at the end of their term and they go right back to where they were because they don't know anything else.

Check out Delancey St.(http://www.eisenhowerfoundation.org/grassroots/delancey/) You'll need to cut and paste because I didn't make it a link.

Yes, you have to stay out of his life. Let him know that you love him and that if he ever wants to truly change that you are there to support him in a way you can.

I didn't know where my son was half the time from 16 to 19 and then he was in jail a lot. When he finally had an opportunity to go to Delancey and got accepted, we had to do a lot to get the courts to release him to the program. It included many trips to Eureka (about 8 hours away) and a lawyer. I am so grateful that I got the chance to pull out all the stops for him. He's a new man in this program.

The thing is that it's not in your hands, it's only in your son's and God's. Turn it over, pray and go to Al-Anon if it will help.

I keep you in my heart.
Casey