I don't know if this has been discussed here before. But I could use some advice anyway.

My husband's family has always been difficult. As they get older, it only seems to be getting worse. Up until a few years ago, I was little Mary Sunshine, who kept the family together. They all loved me then, but I eventually ended up having to get therapy for my clinical depression. One of the things I learned I had to do was avoid situations that I couldn't control and relationships that cause me pain.

Unfortunately, my husband's family falls into this catagory most of the time. He knows I want to avoid them as much as possible and goes along with it. His mother and his siblings appear to have forgotten all the good things we've done for them and blame us for everything that goes wrong.

This whole situation has me really down, and I don't see it changing anytime soon. ANy advice on how to balance my intense dislike for these people with my need and desire to be supportive of my wonderful husband?

Thanks.

I can't totally relate, Jackie (I'm Jackie, too!), because my husband's family has never blamed us for things. But I found them difficult most of the time because of different world views and because they felt like they could give us "advice" even if we didn't ask for it. My solution was to avoid them, too, to the point where the first reason I wanted to move across the country was to get away from their "influence". We probably allowed them to do this because we've always been close to them but I came to the point where I felt I needed to stop it. We were adults, always very responsible but his sisters liked to treat him like the little brother. I always told him that I loved his family but it was too stressful to be around them alot. He now sees what I was talking about and now that we are 1800 miles away, I look forward to seeing them. I guess we had to make our move, and even though they were mad at first, it's working out well!
I don't know if this helps at all, but I will pray that you can work things out, while still taking care of yourself.

I can relate, as I was the one that just posted my problems with my narcisistic Dad. Unfortunately I live close to him also, you really have to keep your head up, and tell yourself you will not be around these type of people that make you miserable! Otherwise you will always be their doormat. It is hard, but sometimes you just have to basically remove yourself from the situation, or just keep taking it. When you have done nothing wrong, it really hurts. My favorite bumper sticker is still "Mean People Suck" LOL

I think you can be supportive of your husband without being a door mat for his family. You know, they seem to have short memories of what you've done for them. Maybe when you pull away gradually, they will realize all that you've done for them and it might be a wake up call they need. Just slowly pull away and love them from a distance.

Thanks to all who responded to me. I'm feeling much more able to handle things. Chuck is going to visit his mother alone on Monday. She really gets upset when I'm not with him, but I honestly can't be with her right now.

Hubby likes to imply I'm not dealing well with all this because my antidepressents aren't working right. They're working fine, thank you. Guess he didn't realize how bad things were before I started taking them.

Thanks again for the support.

I know that feeling, Jackie, of not being able to be in someone's presence. I don't know how old you are but when I got into my 40's, I realized my coping skills were very shaky (they still are much of the time).

Support your husband and do what you can afor him behind the scenes. Let him do the visiting. I think you should only visit with him. I'm sure he'll hear about it, but it sounds like you need to protect yourself .

Thanks, Dotsie. We've actually been doing this for years, and it works. As I said, he unserstands how I feel. This wasn't even a problem until I had my emotional meltdown a few years ago and discovered in the course of my therapy that this is something I can't change and shouldn't have to cope with if I don't feel up to the task.

I wish I could love his famiy unconditionally, but I just can't anymore. They've hurt me much to often for me to open myself up to being hurt again.

Hey Jackie don't you dare beat yourself up about this, its not your fault. You can offer up the olive branch of peace just so many times and when someone keeps slaping you in the face with it only a fool keeps offering the branch and her face....Stay focused on the people who live you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, all others put out of your mind and heart. If you wanted to you could pray for these hard hearted people and ask God to soften their hearts. You never know, the power of prayer can be mind boggling...Love yourself first always!

[ October 30, 2005, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

But beating up on myself is whatI do best.

Seriously, I try not to let it bother me these days, but last week was a real bad one for me. What makes it even harder is I have an absolutely wonderful, supportive family. They, of course, never make any demands on us. Which is why I would walk over hot coals for them if I had to.

As for hubby's family, I pray for them a lot. But since one of the things they dislike is organzied religion......They really are the saddest people I know.