Oh Hannelore, can I relate! We went through much the same sort of thing with my Mom after Dad died. She did allow us to move her out of the house (3 hours away) and into an apartment right above my brother's apartment. She loved it there, but quickly became a recluse and it took a lot of coaxing to get her to go out at all. But we spent a lot of time there, so she was rarely alone. Like your Mom, she was eligible for lots of in-home care, but refused to let us bring anyone in. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle, and as time went on, we just stepped in and did all of her grocery shopping, most of her cooking and housework. It was difficult to know where to draw the line, if we were doing too much for her (though she definitely wanted, appreciated and needed the help) or if we should have called for help. At the time, she was of sound mind, so we felt we needed to honour and respect her wishes.

It turns out that she was full of cancer. She had stubbornly refused to go get herself checked out, and probably had (and probably knew she had) the cancer for 2-3 years, yet never let on that she was sick or in any discomfort. She was so afraid of losing her independence that she begged me not to take her to the hospital. But I didn't listen to her, and took her in to emergency not even realizing how sick she really was, just wanting to get her checked out because she could barely walk.

Once she was admitted, she deteriorated very quickly. In hindsight, I wish I had listened to her and that we had stayed oblivious to the cancer, because as soon as she got in the hospital, she knew she'd never come back out, and she just gave up...some say it was a blessing in disguise that she went so quickly, but I KNOW she would have preferred to just stay home and enjoy living life at her own pace for whatever time she had left rather than living those last weeks out in that hospital environment.

I don't know what to suggest. On one hand, they do need help, on the other hand, it seems that once they begin to lose their freedom, they seem to give up, and I don't know if that hastens their demise or not...who can know the "what if's" when you can't go back and do it again another way. Certainly, if I could go back, I'd never take my Mom to the hospital, but would just let her live at home and call the in-home care to look after her for as long as possible. Hind sight is always 50-50.

I'm not much help. I like Lola's idea. Try having someone come in on a "trial" basis, for short periods of time, to help around the house. See how that goes, and promise her that if it doesn't work out for her, you'll cancel the visits.