Hi Ladies,

So many of us have parents that are not well, depressed or have lost their faith. Would you share with me any suggestions you have on how to bring a parent out of a depression and lead them back to Christ?

I feel that my parents are shutting down due to depression and loss of faith.

Anything advice you could offer, I would appreciate, greatly.

This is a tough one Toni but possibly you can be instrumental in bringing hope and faith back to their lives. Does your church offer support small groups? If so sign them up, take them out weekly to do things, even to the park for a picnic. It doesn't have to be anytnhing edxpensive and personally I would cart them to services each week, no excuses, they're just going. It sounds like they are bored and have decided to wait to die. Its up to you and your sibblings to keep them busy and interested in living if at all possible. I wish you good luck, get help from the church if you can. Find something for them to do to feel useful...

Chatty,

Thank you for those great ideas. I just wish I lived closer to them. Roy and I live several hundred miles away and are able to see them only a couple of times a year. I have siblings that live close but they seldom visit.

They like getting letters and phone calls and I send them little gifts, often. I do think I'll mention to them about getting involved in some church activities or something 'social' where they can meet others.

Thank you so much. I'll see what I can do..

Toni,
If your parents are not the type to go to church, or if they are reluctant to go where they might not know anyone, there could be a senior center where they could socialize. Those centers are federally funded so they are in almost every area. Sometimes they have booklets that list services available to seniors in the area.
You might be able to track them down and get one of the booklets mailed to your parents so they could see some of the options available to them.
smile

Toni:
The sense of needlessness may cause depression and lack of interest in life itself.

Usually, helping others in "greater need than ours" helps get out of depression.

Tending to pets sometimes helps.
Are there grandchildren around that can spark some interest in their lives?

If your parents don't want to go to church and make the first move to get involved in it... do they have friends that can invite and minister to them while they get back on track? It's a lot easier to accept an invitation to church when someone close invites you or takes you to it.

If no friend is available or around... consider calling a local church and arrange for a visit from some caring folks in the congregation or the pastor himself. Making friends is vital!

What about a vacation? Getting out of the daily routine and enjoying fresh air does help!

Have you communicated your concerns to your siblings? Maybe they can get more involved in your parents well-being!

Some questions to consider:
-Is there a specific reason why your parents seem to be loosing the faith?-A caring and concerned minister can address those issues, given the right opportunity.

-Are there any health issues contributing to the overall picture?

Parents need to feel loved, needed and appreciated. They need to be involved in some kind of activity that provides a sense of belonging and makes their lives purposeful.

Faith is instrumental in their overall well-being.

I will include your parents in my prayer list.

Hope these thoughts help in some way.

Songbird,

Thank you so much for your wonderful and caring suggestions.

My parents over the years have secluded themselves, for reasons I'm not sure of. They have always been somewhat distant and have had their share of problems and worries. Two of my siblings have caused problems and over time have worn my parents down.

They attend church sporadically but I think the worries of this world, health problems, and knowing that the end of their lives is at hand, has put them into depression.

I write them often and I'll see what I can do to motivate and uplift them. Presently, they are reliving the '40's and WWII. May Dad is really into that and so is mom. That is when they were young and saving the world from Hitler. Dad was in the Air Force and did some great things then..very brave and mom did her part, also.

Maybe I need to remind them of the good that they've done and that there is still more of life to see and do...(Perhaps they need to be reminded that there is a purpose for every life and that God will provide for their needs, according to His riches?)

Thank you so much for your help and ideas. You've got me going....

Sometimes depression and being alone becomes comfortable to the point that anything invading that part of their lives becomes the enemy...even their children or friends.

I would also suggest finding places for them to visit that also INVOLVED WWI or that era...there are places with museums and such that offer even more relics of the past and they can relive those times in a fresh environment.

I think a pet is an excellent idea because it fosters love....do they have pets?

Keeping them in my prayers as well, AND I wish they lived near me, I'd go see them for you!

JJ

Toni,
I can empathize with you. I think our inlaws.
may have this problem too.
My father was in the Air Force and loved looking at his scrapbooks, slides just before he passed away.
I like JJ's ideas of visiting museums.
Another idea is to get one of their relatives or friends to write down the memories of this time in their lives.
Maggie

My father in law has been a little depressed recently. He mentioned something about his army life at a family gathering and I began to quiz him about it. He seemed so excited that I would be interested and he became very animated. Pretty soon the whole family got involved. I took notes for a family history that I had not previously even considered and his great granddaughter grabbed a video camera to record the whole thing.
It was fun for him and for me too.
Maybe your inlaws could find a WWI group through the veterans administration or something nearby.
smile

JJ, Maggie, Smile,

Thank you so much for your kind ideas and suggestions. I believe my folks have lost the zest to live and feel their time has come to an end. They need to get involved and your ideas of writing down what they did, what they remember from the past, visiting with people-especially friends and family and other ideas--are great and I will see if I can implement some of them.

Roy and I send them magazines and books that focus on World War II and events related to that time period. It does seem to be helping.

JJ made a good point that some people like my parents get used to being alone and that's the way they want it. They don't want anyone to disrupt their routine.

While at college a few years ago, I read a section about seniors. It said that some seniors get to a point where they begin to shut down--and they do this to protect themselves. They don't want to 'feel' any deep emotions anymore. Sad way to end one's life but it is a choice some make.

Thank you again for your comforting words and I will see what I can do.

God Bless

Toni,
You say that you think that your parents might be depressed. Is there any way that you can get them to a doctor so that the condition can be diagnosed? Depression is a very treatable disease. Anti-depressants and talk therapy really do work. There's no reason for people to suffer when there is help available. Good luck!

Hey Misfire, first time I saw your name in our forum. Welcome newbie and I hope you will enjoy participating in this wildly funny and generous group of women. We have a reighning Queen, JJ and I guess I'd be the reighning bitch of the group, not by choice however just by personality...Anyhow, welcome new sister....

I'm with you Chatty, welcome Misfire. Do tell us a bit about yourself, won't you? You might want to go to the "WELCOME" post to do it, or here. Either one, doesn't matter. Misfire...hmm...I just got to know where you got that call name.

JJ

Hi Toni - sorry to hear your parents are going thru hard times. IMO, for what it's worth,the main reason people, of any age, shut down is because they feel their usefullness is, if not over, then coming to an end. People are made to do useful work, to uphold and support one another, to be wings for one another...to be the candle or the mirror. When we give up on our jobs we lose sight of our purpose.

People re-living "the good old days" are people who find it easier to do so than to get up and do something that requires physical energy.

Joni Erickson Tada said when she first broke her neck and was back home -she was in hospital for about 6 months- her favorite thing was to be in a darkened room, with the a.c. humming loudly, and relive the days B.A. - before accident-. It was her way of escaping her wheelchair situation and kept her from living her life in her here and now. She's written a good book, several, about her situation.

Depression feeds upon itself. If it's not physical depression, meaning there'sa a drop in seratonin levels, etc., but a depression brought on by "life" there are some things that, perhaps, help. The hard part is getting the person moving in the first place. My MIL sits all day and would stay in bed all day if we didn't keep after her. Our home is a battle ground most days. I just heard her bedroom door close which means she's gone back to bed. She just got up at 8 a.m., ate breakfast and is now going back to bed. She is a person who never learned how to entertain herself and wants to be constantly entertained...meaning we sit there and listen to her stories of 1913 to 1950. It drives me crazy because the women folk in my family have *always* been doers, keeping busy until end days, etc.

I digress but one more thing...being a caregiver is THE most thankless job in the world. Being a primary caregiver means no matter what you do, it's wrong. No matter what decision you make, it's wrong. No matter how or what you say, it's wrong.

BUT. No one wants to help out, they just want to tell you what you're doing wrong. Even worse, there's no where to go to get help. If you go to social svcs., they require access into your life, looking into cupboards, the laundry basket, etc. to "assess" if the older person is being cared for properly. Like a marriage counselor who has been divorced or never married. HUH?

Okay, back to your parents. Keeping in mind all I have to offer are opinions...

*they need to be engaged, meaning, they need to be involved in life...volunteer work, church work, some kind of work that will engage their minds.

*they need to get out of the house, several times a week

*they need a hobby or hobbies. if nothing else, would they go thru their photos and write on the backs the names of the people in the photo? that's a huge help for when they are gone and you're going, "does anyone know who these people are???" could they write about their parents/grandparents? write down the stories so they aren't lost to their grandchildren

*church small groups...people their own ages who are active and engaged in life...who can lend a listening ear, talk about similar life times, etc.

*for your mother - the Red Hat Society - a silly group but what's wrong with silly? we all need joy in our lives and it sounds as if some of the joy has gone out of the lives of your parent's.

*reading/tutoring to children at the library or school

*mall walking

*volunteering at schools, colleges, churches in language programs

*exercise program! this is one of the most important things...if they aren't exercising, they aren't getting enough oxygen to the brain...this leads to a lot of problems.

Best to you and them.

Thistle, great advice! We should save that list for the future. ANother thought is medication if they are no longer willing to go out and do. Sometimes the medication makes the blues disappear, allows lost energy to be found, and before you know it...a change in lifestyle. Just another thought.

Chatty, resident B**$#? I don't think so. You speak for the heart as others do.

Misfire, I'm so gald you've jumped in with both feel and are posting away. Welcome aboard. We hope you stay!

My father in law is 89 and under Hospice Care. My daughter needed to interview an older person for one of her classes so she asked him if he minded and he has just been thrilled to death. They've become like best friends and he's telling her stuff he's never told his grown children! He needed to be heard and he needed someone to show an interest in him and his past. Maybe something like this for your parents? He always looks forward to my daughter's visits.

My mom has been in a nursing home for almost a year now. She was super depressed when she went in there and literally starving herself to death. I okayed the doctor giving her an antidepressant where one of the side effects was increased hunger and weight gain. It worked and she went from 70 to 110 lbs.

Then she had surgery and has been stuck in bed for 3 months. The doctor probably would have kept her there indefinately but we, the family and nursing home staff, protested that she was giving up on life altogether and her skin healing properly was less urgent than keeping her spirits up. But when she was allowed to get out of bed, her muscles had weakened so much, she couldn't even stand, much less walk. I fought for physical therapy and finally got a doctor's order for that.

After a month of feeling hopeless that she would ever get back to her pre-surgery self, my mom is again walking to and from the dining room and even danced a polka (well supported by her staff partner) at the nursing home's Octoberfest.

With her, the things that make a difference are all the family and nursing home staff that pay so much attention to her, enthusiastically praise her for every improvement she makes, and compliment her constantly about how sweet and funny she is. She eats it all up and beams with how special and loved everyone makes her feel.

I'm learning to accept that she'll never get back to her pre-nursing home life and instead, appreciate the small moments of happiness and enjoyment that she does have.

Mary I beleive your post about your mom proves the fact that no matter what our age or situation, we ALL need recognition, companionship and most of all love from those around us....God Bless your mom...

Having been around a few nursing homes, I would say that depression is the norm rather than the exception. And it is not confined to the nursing home or even to the elderly though it seems to be more obvious in a facility and among that population. Older people who are at home and receive home health care are equally afflicted by loneliness. Perhaps to an even greater degree.

My own theory is that depression, especially as it affects older people, results from loneliness. This is such a lonely world, particularly for older people. Even their own bodies begin to desert them. Loneliness and depression complicate almost any disease and are more painful than any physical disorder.
Older people have spent their entire lives raising children to be independent and now they are and the parent, even if they are loved, may no longer be truly needed. Not being needed contributes to loneliness and destroys the security of older people who have been needed all their lives.

I have no solutions, but I have observed first hand the effects of attention and love. Love is the only power we have. It is what empowers us to pray.
smile

smile, love heals all wounds. I belive it. Loneliness is a huge wound in our world today. I'm afraid it may be in epidemic proportions in the next generations due to technology. Scary , isn't it?

People need people. Unfortunately, some of the people who need people the most aren't very lovable. It's a vicious cycle. It's easy to love people who are lovable. But as Christains we are to love EVERYONE, even those who are hard to love.

I've considered having a BWS Challenge each week. One of my first challenges would be for us to reach out to someone who we perceive as lonely.

Dotsie, You are so right. Loneliness is a horrible wound to our world. Sometimes I think it may be a fatal wound.
I agree that the next generation may endure it to an even greater degree partially as a result of technology. Or maybe we have become so separated from ourselves and distrustful of others that we can no longer experience intimacy through human contact and must have miles of technology to separate us. Gee, what a sad thought.

I would love to reach out to those who are lonely. but I don't always do it. I have several friends who are widows in their 70's and 80's who seem so very lonely. I call as often as I can and take them places and generally try to keep in contact, but I'm sure they are still lonely often. They are all mothers of very successful children who are now adults which frightens me for my own children. We are still very close at this time, but there may be a day when they are far too busy to visit and call. Gee, I hope not.

I posted on here about loneliness a while back and I mentioned that I had tried to research it. I found almost nothing in the medical library and when I did a google search for "Loneliness," I came up with almost nothing except porn sites. It concerned me that porn is the only answer we have for loneliness. Is that all we can do as a society? And are those sites a comfort?

I wonder if they are the greatest risk the lonely can take. Maybe it's the anonymity that attracts them or maybe the desire just to 'feel' something.
I can see why the lonely don't reach out. It is as if loneliness is contagious and will infect anyone touched by a lonely person. And being lonely does not seem to offer any immunity. If anything, it seems to lessen the immunity.

I am concerned, but I too have no answers. However, I will call a lonely friend right now. Thanks for the reminder.
smile

I reach out to people older than myself that can't drive anymore or are otherwise confined to their homes. I have 2 neighbors that I take food to everyday from my own recipes, some I've posted. They love the food but I hang around awhile and chit chat with them and try to make them laugh. They both know about Sammie and always ask what has she done now? I use to take them for rides BUT I found out that if one got injured their relatives could sue me personally so that stopped. I still visit the Nursing home monthly and they are still painting by numbers and their art gallery was featured in the local senior paper awhile back. I also take Rosee in to see the nursing home people they adore this little dog and she them. Reeta, the snot, is too feisty and I don't trust her not to nip. For Thanksgiving and probably Christmas at my sons house he'll pick up 2 residents for dinner with us, kind of like honorary grandparents. It feels good to give something of ones self...try it!

Hello all,

Thanks for the welcome.

If you want to know more about me, check-out the Welcome Forum for probably more than you need to know.

Misfire, I was there and responded. Welcome again.

Agate, you are doing everything right for your mom. What a blessing you are! You should be an advocate for the elderly. Had it not been for you she could still be bedridden. Chatty's comment is right on!

I'm reading this post over and over. Why? Well, I think we are talking about two different things which BOTH fall into the "lonely" category.

1) The elderly
2) The lonely (not necessarily the elderly)

I'm with SMILES and everyone else, in that these post break my heart and at the same time, make me stop and think about my own situation. I love my children and they shower me with love as well...but WILL there come a time when they are too busy? When you put yourself in the place of the elderly ALREADY in that situation, it becomes sooo REAL and so sad. Does it not? It makes me want to become more like Chatty (bless you dear woman) and do my part.

I'm going to give this more thought. I've already entertained thoughts of having Trixie trained formally to visit nursing homes and VA homes. I actually already take her, but she does need some behavior training.

But I could be doing so much more. Like taking one day a month and visiting ANY nursing home and VA home and just LISTENING to someone who needs a visit.

On the other one...it's more complicated. I think SMILES has hit on something there though. I just never thought about it. It's too bad there aren't web sites where lonely people could go visit and be given comfort.

But when I think more about it, I realize sadly that there are sooo many legal concerns here, as well as the WEIRDO factor. Any suggestions?

These are just my initial thoughts on everything but I'm sure you all could come up with some great ideas to help the L&L? (lonely and lost?)

JJ

One of the main reasons I think older people are lonely is that they have been abandoned because they are unattractive. I have several friends who love serving children and teens and though young people need our attention too, they are usually less lonely simply because they are CUTE. It is such a joy just to be near the young.
Older people, though, are not cute. In fact, they can be downright unattractive. They have thinning grey hair and wrinkles and they move without grace. Their speech is often impaired and sometimes they drool and many are incontinent. Very often they are embittered not only by the pain in their bodies, but by the pain in their spirit from loneliness. And if asked, I think all would agree that loneliness is the greatest pain of all.

Many of these people who have given so much are so profoundly lonely because they have been abandoned by the very people they have served all their lives. Their abandonment is a stain on our generation.

I have been negligent in visiting the nursing homes recently, but as a result of posting, I'm getting back on track. Thanks for the reminder.
smile

[ April 07, 2005, 01:12 AM: Message edited by: Nancy50 ]

Oh Smilinize isn't that a sad and sickening description of what most people think of the elderly. I agree to most they are not part of the beautiful people society but I have to tell you that when one of these narly, wet pants, drooling oldsters hears a "sincere" voice and see's a real smile aimed at them, the look in their nearly dead eyes, brightens and they smile like a cautious child seeing Santa for the first time. I fall asleep some nights remembering those weak smiles and the way they feebly squeeze my hand holding theirs. If I were a wealthy person I would hire people to do just that, find the scraggliest person they could and make them feel loved. I am only one person and can only do so much and am NOT wealthy but now my son and his son go after church each Sunday and feed the poor. Also Jason goes with me sometime to visit the Nursing home and said one day a month ago that these old people reminded him of E.T. and you know Grandma, E.T. was magical and I bet they are too...He's 13 and a big boy and is so gentle with them. If everyone just spent a few hours a week with one of those that no one visits what a difference we could make....stepping off my soapbox now!

Chatty, stay on your soap box. I need it. Directly behind me sits a home for the elderly. When the kids were little we strolled them in frontof the home most nights in good weather. Our son who is 19 would sing his latest rendition of any new song he learned: Twinkle, Twinkle, Jesus Loves Me, whatever. It was a ministry and we didn't even realize it.

I somehow need to revisit that. Thanks for the reminder.

Smile, we are getting closer to that age where we may be the ones in those high chairs and wheel chairs with drool on our chins. That alone should shake us into doing something!

I've done lots of visiting the elderly through my church in the past. For whatever reason I've stopped. It's time to get back to it.

I recall visiting a lovely woman of faith who had been involved in every way imaginable for years at our church. Even though I was the one who was supposedly ministering to her, I never left without feeling blessed and uplifted. She was so wise and gracious. Give and receive!

Thisle, I would love to talk with you 1 on 1. Dotsie can give you my email or phone number. Your mother-in-law sounds like she could be my mother's twin. My mother is in assisted living (al) an hour from me. She too needs constant entertaining. She has no hobbies and now she has trouble moving around, and can no longer drive. My father died in April and her companion of 54 years is gone. She used to play bridge but doesn't do that any longer. She had a stoke in her eye that left her basicly blind in the R eye, but she sees well out of the L. She doesn't read, only the obits and not even that every day. She doesn't like listening to music or watching tv. She actually hates tv, and rarely enjoys a movie, tho she has a DVD player. She is a problem. She does get to eat with friends every thurs. dinner, but there leaves the rest of the week. A friend is taking her to church on Sundays, but she isn't able to do anything else at church, she's on a walker and has alzheimers. Unfortunately her family isn't near. I am 1 hour away and my brother is in HI. Her grandchildren, 2 are in college (NC) and 1 is in high school here in Baltimore. I try to see her at least every 10 days. We talk daily. But, that is never enough. I am at a loss for what to do. The AL has activities every day. She won't go because "every one just sleeps". But, she sleeps too and doesn't realize she is. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.

Swimbo, won't the people in assited living encourage her to go to the activities?

I feel for you. I get the feeling that no matter what you do, it isn't enough. Some people are so needy it eats at the ones who love them.

One of the most frustrating parts about parenting our parents is wanting more for them than they want for themselves.

You're in my prayers!

Sometimes medication is a gift of God to the elderly, but it can also further complicate and lead to depression.

For example, the AMA keeps lowering the 'normal' blood pressure and as we age, our blood pressure naturally rises so lots of the elderly as well as many boomers are now taking medication for high blood pressure.
Side effects of B/P lowering medications include: Apathy, Depression, Decreased energy, Lack of affect (feelings), Dizziness, Sleepiness, AND of course the favorite of all males, Decrease in libido and Erectile Dysfunction.
Of course that leads to Viagra which leads to heart problems which leads to heart medications which leads to blood pressure problems which leads to blah, blah, blah.
In females, it leads to lowered libido which leads to hormone therapy which leads to weight gain and weight loss which lead to water pills and decreased potassium which leads to potassium pills which lead to heart problems which lead to etc., etc., etc.

Then there's pills for depression which cause tremors, headaches, dizziness, and sleepiness.

Of course exercise is a great help and it's free, but it is difficult to get a person going whose body is dealing not only with the natural slowing down of age, but also with the multitude of medications prescribed for the elderly.

My Dad died two years ago and my mother is still very active, but she is definitely slowing down. Also going to doctor more and taking more med. I have no answers.
smile