Newleaf, it sounds to me, by your writing about your parents, that you grew up in a family where your mom was submissive to your dad and your dad blamed everything on everyone but himself and maybe that's where you learned to tolerate men like your dad and your husband. I'm not a doctor but that's what jumps out at me. We are what we eat, so to speak, and we are what we grew up in unless we make a stab at changing ourselves in spite of it. It sounds to me like you married your dad (been there done that). The only way I can see it's "your fault" (as your parents are putting it) is that you were taught by them how to be manipulated and controlled. Okay...this may be all wrong but I just wonder why in the world your dad would attack you after knowing what you've been through unless he thinks the same way, which obviously he does. Anyway, the sooner you get out of the relationship the better and I wouldn't let your parents berate you for that decision and try to control what you do next (by saying never marry again, etc). Good grief...you're not out of one before they're trying to tell you what you should do in the future. Sounds to me you need to gently tell your dad that if he can't be supportive of you he needs to MYOB. If I'm way off base here I do apologize. Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are moving along for you. HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!!

Mitzkity, I'm slowly walking out the door of this relationship. I finally figured out that I've been taking care of others ever since I was old enough to hold a dish cloth and sweep the floor.
For only a brief moment in my life I got to be just who I am and take care of myself. I was so amazed at the fantastic female I was during that time. I travelled to Europe by myself and made all the connections to create my own business in France. Met and stayed with French nationals and their family. I shone like a bright star for nearly a year, then I came shooting down and "stabilized". Became a good mom and normal like everybody else my age and position in life.

Now I'm seeing the merit again of living on my own without the husband I now have. I can fully understand a man like him who is retired and an alcoholic party boy, not wanting kids or anything else interfering with his lifestyle. If I hear one more time how, "I'm not going to take care of anyone else's damned grandkids. I'm retired and that's not the way I want to spend my retirement." Meantime, I'm not going to be able to retire until I'm at least 62 and possibly much later to get the full amount.

He just wants someone to take care of him in his retirement years. His health is getting worse, he smokes and drinks like a fish. I'm not going to take care of yet another person.

Newleaf, keep moving in the right direction. I know it's hard, but you will regain your self-respect and that's worth more than an abusive relationship.

You're right Dotsie, it is hard, but I really believe with my husband, its more habit than passion. I've never experienced a relationship like the one I have with him.

I had to go to the doctor yesterday and have my heart checked because I was having numbness and chest pain. The ekg was good and my blood pressure was good. He wants to do an echo cardiogram, but mostly my doctor just said it was stress related.

He put me on an anti anxiety/anti depression medication and it really has helped.

I don't want to lose the phone calls and the "closeness" but it seems that every time I call him or he calls me, all he wants to do is yell at me and criticize me and refer to my grandchildren as my Da...ned grandchildren and says nasty things about my daughter.

My mom isn't going to come and help me. Its been years since my mom and dad have come to visit me. I know dad is 81 and mom is 75, but they go to visit my other brothers and sister.

I'm just thinking about eliminating all the hurtful people in my life and start over with new ones. I've found more love and acceptance from my neighbors and co workers than I have from my own family for the past 10 years now.

What a realization that is. My mom has never approved of me. She has been critical of me my whole life.

Here with Mother's Day right around the corner, I realize my mom has never really loved me or accepted me. She has treated me like a friend, not even a best friend, but not like a daughter. She has thrown my sister's children up to me and my brother's only son and went on and on about how cute my youngest brother's children are. My sister's oldest son is graduating from high school with 68 college credits and is going into medical school. My brother's son has been in medical school for two years and my other nieces and nephews are all doing well in school.

None of them have been in drug rehab or jail. None of them have had children out of wedlock...none of them have dated other races except my nephew in medical school was dating a pretty little girl from Korea. My parents think its terrible when someone dates another race other than their own.

Wow, the things you start to think of when clarity of thought is allowed in. Mom never likes my hair style or my hair color or the way I dress,or my spontaneous personality. The only time she ever approves of me is when I dress like a 90 yr. old woman and look presentable.

I guess I've been a big disappointment to her all these years. I need to adopt a new "mom" and a new family. My sister hasn't spoken to me in three years. I've sent her birthday cards and gifts. I asked my mom what my sister was into at the time and sometimes I prayed and asked God to show me what Rebecca liked and what would make her happy to get. I've tried to email her and she never replies. I've been so hurt and disappointed by my family. If any one of them had the same kinds of problems I've had, I would have done anything to help them.

The only time they all came to see me was when my husband passed away suddenly. Then they all came to the funeral and then ate dinner out and went to the beach. They all stayed in a nice hotel together and I was broken hearted at home. My oldest brother stayed with me and I was so grateful to him.

I need a new family. I need new friends. Blood isn't thicker than water.

Did you order my book? You really need to read it. My mother was the same way and still is. You have to cut emotional bonds with her because it isn't going to change but you can.

Because I work with women in bad relationships, I have learned to read between the lines. You are no where near leaving your husband. If you were, you wouldn't be talking to him on the phone and trying to maintain a relationship with him. You wouldn't post here about what he's done to hurt and humiliate you. You would be talking to a lawyer. When a woman has had it, she's had it! I know you keep hoping and praying that he will change but the writing is on the wall and you aren't reading it. He's made his point clear to you but you aren't listening. Hear his words. You will never be happy with this man and especially since he doesn't value your children or grandchildren.

Your family is your children and their children. It is more than enough to get you through life. If my husband told me he wouldn't accept my kids, he'd be history. He doesn't have to visit them but he would never be allowed to step between me and them.

NL, you have to take back your power from him and your family. If they don't accept the woman you are, let them go an opposite direction. Your life is not theirs and never will be. You will end up an empty shell if you continue to take the path you're on. I can promise you that.

Ditto to what Dianne said.
NL, you have been talking about leaving this man for well over a year. I'm looking forward to the day that you tell us you have been to a lawyer and begun the process.
God loves us and doesn't want us to be abused in any way shape or form. He also gives you the power, if you accept it from him, to make the changes you need to make.

Great idea to read Dianne's book. Do you have it yet? I think you could use Dianne's situation that she writes about in her book to clarify what is going on with you and your husband and family. Don't you DIanne. I think NL could learn tremendously from you. You have taken your power back and it feels so good, right?

NL, read some of your posts and seriously consider moving in the right direction. You are worth it. Try surrounding yourself with positive people. It will make a world of difference. You are on my prayer list.