Have you ever had to set boundaries with loved ones when it comes to caring for them?

We boomers like to help those in need. How do you set boundaries so you don't burn yourself out?

Making sure you have time set aside for your writing, definite hours when NO ONE can bother you for any reason. These have been the only boundaries I've set through the years and it seems to be sufficient....

I have absolutely NO clue but I'd like to know.

As I've said before, my 91 year old mother in law lives with us and it's difficult. Very, very difficult. Not for her especially, but for Dave and I. She'll do these TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS things and 30 seconds later forget and then wonder why we're upset with her.

How do you get someone to use enough toilet paper? (no, it's NOT enough that you take one square, rip it in half and then use half and save half)

How do you get someone to wash their hands? (you just wiped yourself and you HAVE to wash your hands!)

How do you get someone to bath...even twice a week?

How do you get someone to change their clothes even 2 or 3 times a week?

How do you get someone to stop, cease and quit hanging their underwear all over their bed posts, chair arms, etc.? (They were wet and needed to dry...the reason they were wet is because you peed yourself because you didn't feel like getting out of bed or the chair and get to the bathroom...)

How do you get someone to stop telling OUTRAGEOUS lies? (this woman will just make up stuff about people..."I heard she got a better job than her husband and now they are having problems" this said about someone she doesn't even know!)

I'm going crazy; wanna come along? I gotta warn you though...it's a short trip.

Oh Sandra I can empathize with you. Brings back so many memories of my own mother. Not making it to the bathroom because she didn't want to get up.
Having to let her have her dignity in front of company. Hang in there You are doing a great job.
Maggie

there's a great book called The Twenty-Four Hour Day. It's about Alzheimers. I bet it would give you some peace.

A friend of mine runs an Alzheimer's day clinic and her advice is to agree with the patient even though they don't make sense because they don' know any different at the moment. If you try to straighten their story and explain situations for them them won't get it. Their worda are their only recollection even though they make NO sense.

Thistle, you deserve a gold medal!

Thanks Maggie, but I'm not sure I'm doing a great job. Some days I scream at her. Other days I ignore her. Most days I'm very pleasant to her. Each day is a new day for me to learn lessons I completely and totally fail at learning.

Right now, she's in bed, in the same clothes she's worn for the last 4 days. We've been having record heat, up in the 90's. Need I go into details?

I've had a pulled muscle in my right shoulder for 2+ weeks. Dave thinks it's from farm work. Little does he know farm work is what's keeping me sane. That and the breakneck pace I'm going at to get ready for our trips this summer.

The carrot in front of me is this: Dave's sister is taking their monther in November and sooner if these trips don't release some stress for me. I'm sorry Dave's sisters' husband died but her brother's wife is going to die if she doesn't get some relief. How's that for talking in third person?

Since I'm bitching and moaning, you know what really hurts me? She pays people to come in and do for her what she expects me to do for free. Would I take her money? Why, yes, I would. Does that make me a bad person? Don't know, don't care. It does hurt to do all of her laundry, cut her fingernails, do her banking, dress her, make sure she has gifts for her family, etc., etc., etc.; it hurts to see her thank other people for doing exactly what I do and then she writes them a check.

I'm throwing up my hands and crying. What I feel like doing is throwing in the towel.

Tistle, Based entirely on what I read and no first hand experience, it appears to me that you are at the point of needing Respite Care. Not only would it benefit you, but your mother in law as well.
I don't know if they have it in the rural area where you live, but if there is a town nearby, it might be well worth the effort of chasing it down.
smile

Thist...can I ever relate to parts of your story/plight. My Daddy, as you know, had a dementia and I stayed with him at night, would get up the next morning, drive 60 miles one way to work, work all day, drive the 60 miles back, then chase him all over the house all night, walk the floors with him, take him to the bathroom, clean him, wipe him, etc..etc..etc...I've changed sheets a kazillion times in the middle of the night because he wet the bed or something similar. I did this for about 2 or 3 months. It wore me to a frazzle. I fell asleep at work, etc. Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time, and then Daddy with prostrate cancer. It just all came at us. I wanted to check out, let me tell ya. BUT...I did learn this much. Going along with whatever they say seems to somehow endear you to a AZ patient. They THEN begin taking your little tips for things like, "gee Daddy, it sure would be a shame to mess up that pretty shirt you have on, why don't we put this bib over it?" Some things like that. I feel for you, but you have to get relief! You have to! Mine came in the form of sisters. Bless their hearts. We all did what we could. Know I'm thinking of ya...if you ever need to email me privately, I'm here for ya!

JJ

Respite care is available to take in older loved ones for temporary care while you and they recover from the very stressful caregiving situation.
They have nurses on duty who works with physicians to evaluate and sometimes solve incontinence and other health problems. It can be a way to ease older people and their families into long term care or simply a relief from the stress of caregiving at home.
It is for exhausted caregivers and the elderly who may need objective evaluation of their health problems.
smile

One of the names of a respite care is Faith in Action. They are all over the US. Check with the hosptal closest to you. I know you don't live close to one. Some Churches help out with this too. You could check this out too. They usually have a nurse in the church who knows about the program. I agree with JJ & Smile you really need this NOW.!!!!! Take it from those of us who know. The assissted living facilities most are great and will help you with this.
Maggie