Hi all…I’m not sure if this is the best place to post this or not…it really doesn’t seem like mental illness…so I though Fine Whine might be better…here goes…

I recently read that 85% of our population has issues with self-esteem in at least one area of their lives…I know that I certainly have had mine…and still do, for that matter…I know that in working with coaching clients…and just talking with friends…that almost everything we’re going through usually boils down to a low self-esteem in that area.

For most of my life…my issues were around relationships…and wa-la…the quality of my relationships mirrored my own sense of self-worth…but…it didn’t stop there…it never does…the proverbial bad apple…before too many years…it spilled over into my relationship with money…and even my beliefs in my professional abilities…and I sort of hit a personal rock bottom…

Obviously…that wasn’t where I wanted to be…I’ve spent several years building self-esteem…I’ve read so many good books…listened to good tapes…prayed…done affirmations…acknowledged my actions…practiced gratitude…journaled…those are the kinds of things that work for me…

What I’m wondering…what works for you…what kind of practices do you do now…or did in the past…to build your self-esteem…did you have an Ahh-Ha moment that changed your opinion of yourself…that kind of thing…

I am considering doing a Bertha series on this…and would like as many different insights as possible…

Thanks…

This is an excellent post Jane and I can pinpoint almost to the day when I had my "aha" moment. I worked for a VP and he was very moody. He had a hard time keeping help because he was so harsh and outspoken. I was determined to stay with little snot but he was chipping away at my self-esteem and I was allowing it to happen. Little by little he would say something derogatory about my performance in front of his other VP peers and it was so embarrassing. He was an emotional bully. He was also a small man and finally I realized that he had the "big me, little you" complex. He knew I needed a job and would take it. But what he didn't count on was my "raising."

One day I was mulling over what to do about him when something Daddy told me hit me. You are worth what YOU-----YOU think you are worth. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. They can insinuate anything they want to, but only YOU can make YOU feel bad about it. If it isn't true, then why would you believe it anyway?"

I remember I was so fed up with him and had been in the bathroom crying and sulking. Then I thought, "What's the worst thing that can happen? He can only fire me once." From that day forward I would bite him back whenever he insulted me in front of our co-workers. I did it gradually, and I did it with "wit" and guess what? He loved it. He started treating me with respect, little by little of course, but our working relationship changed.

And it changed with the way HIS peers (other VPs) treated me as well because by that time I had grown in the self-esteem department and noooooooooooobody was gonna make me feel bad, or I should say "infer" something and then I would make my own self feel bad. NOBODY.

Life changed for me that day. I started looking at everyone differently. I was no longer afraid. Does that make sense?

I still have some issues and I would discuss those with you, but then I'd have to kill you.

I was always a very shy child and had no self-esteem whatsoever. I know it was my upbringing; overly strict, "children may be seen and not heard" and so on. Still I want to add I never felt unloved…but maybe unworthy?

My low self-esteem manifested itself in many ways. I never raised my hand in class…although I knew the answer. When my stories were read, I signalled to the teacher not to mention that I was the author. Large groups of people intimidated me. I always stood on the side wondering how I could be one of those laughing girls clinging on to each others shoulders.

My self-esteem found itself for the first time when I was accepted to Pan Am. I was always surprised when someone admired my career. I never had known admiration before.

Later in life it increased when I wrote and produced two children's plays. I did it all on my own, although I had many offers to help. I wanted, for once, to get all the credit. And indeed I did, with newspaper articles and such.

But the biggest leap to a "normal" self-esteem happened when I started my own business. Before that I worked for a large real-estate company, and was the top sales person for two years. That motivated me into opening my own business and hiring up to 7 agents to work for me. It was a success. Through this I learned that I can stand up for myself. Say no…and not care what others may say. I have learned that my self-respect is something I need and can rely on, and that no one can ever take it away from me.

My build up was for a while a problem in my marriage. I was no longer the meek little yes- yes woman. I put my foot down when it was necessary, and I do the same in my business. And most importantly I do it without and regrets or second thoughts.

Self-esteem is liberating and healthy.

Jane you have your own radio program! You can cry from the rooftops that you are proud! And you have every right to be. Hope this information will help you with your new Bertha series.

Wow, this topic sure hits home! I was constantly belittled as a child - by my parents. I could never be good enough for them. I guess I never really had an 'AHA' moment. My recovery was gradual - after I realized that it really wasn't my fault that my hubby was an alcoholic and drug abuser (something he kept telling me all our married life.) He is long gone, and my self esteem can still be shaky. But I have decided that I'm worth it, I'm good enough, and whatever others think about me has nothing to do with me but is all about them. Every time I hear myself say, "I can't do that" I tell myself that 'yes, I can,' if that's what I really want to do. I can't please anyone else but me.

My parents tried putting me down again when I went to college for the first time at almost 40. I didn't listen to them and went on to earn a master's. I'm proud of my accomplishments now, no matter how small they seem to someone else, to me they're huge! My current partner admires me, and that has really helped. One other thing I just thought about is being able to accept compliments with just a 'thank you.' I used to turn away compliments by saying things like 'it was nothing' or 'it's no big deal.' But it is a big deal because it means I'm being noticed and am no longer the cringing wallflower hiding in the corner. And it feels great!

JJ and HL...thank you so much for those great responses...and yes...I am proud...

Isn't it interesting that we can feel loved and unlovable at the same time...I don't think I've ever thought about it in just that way...thanks HL...I knew I'd get some great insights from this...

JJ...could you tell me more...and then just banish me to the moat or something...inquiring minds...you know

You know . . . you die. There's not a reMOAT chance of me telling. So quit begging.

Yonuh, I couldn't agree more with you. Learning to just say "thank you" when someone complimented me was a bigee for me. Someone finally told me that the reason I would "poo poo" their compliment was that deep down I didn't feel I deserved it. Boy, was that an eye-opener! I had to mentally learn to accept the compliment (this doesn't include begging or fishing for one).

It is a very good lesson to learn and we should all practice it. When the THANK YOU becomes sincere, and it will, then you have learned to love yourself. And we should!

I'm glad you posted this, Jane. I can whine about my self-esteem issues. I know my father loved me, but he lost his temper a lot and called me stupid and I believed him for a long, long time.

I find my self-esteem under my feet many times when I'm not expecting to, especially after I've done something I feel really, really good about. I don't understand it, but I suspect the old tapes are still there (I know the feelings are) and I don't believe I deserve to feel good and proud.

I've had several AHA moments and now I catch the bad tapes in my head and turn them into good ones. Anne Lamont's book Bird By Bird was great for me. I see things in other people that remind me that I'm good enough or remind me why I think I'm not. My process is on-going. I'm happy to say I come here often to turn myself around. Bless you all.

Yonuh...you go girl...sounds like you've come a long way and accomplished a lot...that is awesome...

Saundra...it's great that you recognize the old tapes and turn them around...I think hearing the tapes as you think them is one of the most difficult things to do...

And what better place to turn yourself around than right here on the boomer boards...sounds liket the hokey pokey...

I struggle with self-esteem issues almost daily. I've learned and continue to learn, to separate myself from those who diminish my self-esteem, even family. Although minute to others, small accomplishments I keep to myself to alleviate being sabotaged or critized, as well as larger accomplishments b/c others may diminish the value. Sadly, I found myself treating others the same, now I'm begning to quitely praise others w/out bringing attention to myself b/c some things require genuine recognition without interuption.

Jane, the hokey-pokey it is. I guess we did learn everything we need to know in kindergarten. I bet I hear that song in my head for a week. Thanks.