Dotsie,

Thank you for sharing that you've had a religious challenge somewhat like mine.

I have to say, I was afraid to post that information about me, because so many people on this board seem so at peace with this subject.

Since my divorce, which I did not want - would never, ever have dreamed that this could happen to me - I haven't felt
good about myself, like I missed the mark, and like I'm not deserving of grace and forgiveness. ( This is really, really, really, hard for me to write.)

I feel like a second class Christian and so I have spent many a day punishing myself with words. "You're not good."
"You're not getting to heaven." "God must be pretty disappointed in you." That's what I tell myself.

I'm working - and this is taking lots of energy and practice - to tell myself that God does understand, that I couldn't have raised a handicapped child by myself and that God knew this and this is probably why John came into my life. There are so many surgeries needed by a cleft lip and palate child. It's so heartbreaking to hear people say, "Wow, what happened to that kid!"

It's even more heartbreaking to carry your child, who is crying and begging you to take him home, into a hospital knowing how scared he is (and you are) and how much pain he will be facing.

(I've never been this open on any board or web site. I hope I am not upsetting anyone.)

I also think that when Jonathan was born and his father, first husband, brought his girlfriend to the hospital to meet me, that something snapped in my head. I started asking why? "why me?" "why my precious little boy?"

This was the moment I started questioning my understanding of God.

(Think I've just had a break-through and need to have a little cry.)

Thanks, again, to all who have supported me.

Jam, you'll find that same support here.

Love,
Emily in Maryland