Dear Emyjay, I had my first panic attack when I was 18. And it was a full blown one. I am 59 now. I don´t have them often at all..but once and awhile..like now..because i am going thru a rough time..but the attacks are something I recognize now..and I can usually take care them quickly. SO, NO..you don´t have to go on having them forever. I know many people who have them and some are taking medications for them. Men, women..young and old. It´s much more common than you know. I really mean this. It´s the body´s way to give a signal that something a bit deep inside of you is not feeling too good at the moment..and that you should perhaps address it. Not ignore it. It´s a NORMAL reaction..well, i believe it is anyway..think about it at any rate.

your religious issue is one i can relate to very well..but it i don´t know if you think i can help you..i grew up a catholic..went to catholic schools and college...and then went on to be a memeber of the new church, as it is called. It is based on the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg. I have been fighting with issues of quilt and sin and never feeling good enough all my life..due to organized religion. Now, these are MY thoughts and experiences..i have read, and searched for myself since my divorce 7 yrs ago. I think i have found "GOD" again, but he is not the God i knew before. And he is within me and all around me..yes, it´s scarey to let go of everything you knew to be true.. but my experience is that it was worth going down to my "black hole" and finding my way up again..slowly, but surely..with the support of a very few good friends..

You seem to be at some kind of crossroads in your life..with the choice of quite a few paths to take... you know, it´s ok to make mistakes..(at least i think it is and i´ve made ALOT).. be kind to yourself..understanding of yourself..you are trying the best you can right now..

i think it´s difficult to write about my religious experience, unless you feel that i could be of help. i think that one´s beliefs are very personal in many ways. So unless i know what you are interested in, i can only say that i have searched for God for a long time and found him/life within myself and within everyone and everything around me...and i guess i haven´t stopped searching for a better understanding and a better me (altho it´s ok where i am now and where YOU are too)..isn´t life a search?? i don´t know. But i guess that i think it is..

you´re not alone.. and don´t give up on that therapist.. your former therapist that moved, can´t he/she help you find one in your own area?..just wondering.. and thinking of you!