Emjay, I'm so glad that you posted here. It's so hard to open oneself up in a relatively unknown environment. But I hope you have found/will continue to find that this is a powerful circle of women here, full of wisdom, compassion and caring.

I remember when I was spiralling down into my last breakdown. It was shortly after my Mom had died. I was totally, utterly, indescribably broken. On the advice of my GP I had stopped taking Effexor (cold turkey) one day, and started taking Wellbutrin the next day. WELL, there just isn't any adequate way to describe the hell that that caused. It was like electric shocks jolting my body - I was beyond bizarre. I had had to find my own therapist because my GP didn't know anyone to refer me to. I found one on the Internet, phoned him, left a message and then didn't hear back from him for days. While I was on this Effexor-Wellbutrin trip, I called him back and sobbed into the phone (well, his answering machine) that I wasn't going to be able to make it through another day (it felt true enough at the time). Every moment that passed was pure torture. But finally he did call back, and talked me through what had happened, assured me that it was the withdrawal that was causing this level of bizarreness, talked with me for about an hour, then made an appointment for the next day. He turned out to be a real life-saver for me, and was one of the best therapists I've ever had (and I too have suffered from chronic depression all my life).

Don't let that phone call to this new therapist go unanswered. Call again if she doesn't respond by tomorrow noon. And if she can't take you in, tell her that you really need someone now and ask if she can help redirect you to someone "just like her".

In response to what you've said about your faith, I'm finding that I'm really enjoying just spending time in God's presence - no rules, no formulas, no rigidity, total freedom to be just me, in all my weakness, in all my incapacitation, in all my "me-ness". That's where the presence of God lies first and foremost - not in the religious structures or rigid rules, but in the heart-to-heart presence, one-on-one, you and God, alone, just as you are. He speaks so gently and compassionately - I NEVER hear a word of condemnation or impatience from Him - when I just allow myself to soak in that warm love, and allow myself to dare to believe that He truly loves me JUST THE WAY I AM HERE AND NOW, it's amazing how that begins to change me from the inside out, not all at once, but slowly, day by day, one mangled thought after another. I don't want to intrude on your anxiety about your faith, all I want to do is assure you that you matter to Him, and that you don't have to be anything more or less than who/what you are right now. That's enough for Him, it's YOU He wants, not all that religiosity. I rarely get to church anymore, and I'm closer to Him than I've ever been in my entire life. And I rarely ever say a formulated prayer anymore - I love to talk with Him just as if He was my best friend.

Anyway, keep coming here and keep wrapping yourself in the care of the other women here. Keep us posted on what's happening with that therapist.

And I don't mind at all that you wrote to me, you were not and could not be a bother. Those of us who have suffered our own "dark night of the soul" know that it takes a community of wounded healers to help us find our way out of that quicksand that depression throws us into. We are part of your ladder out, along with the meds, therapist, other people in your life and, if you want Him to be, the One who loves you more than you could ever imagine.