reuniting with past loves

Hi,
I'm new here and have been reading many of the posts. I have been single for almost ten years and have three children. I left an abusive marriage to a man who drank and had affairs. I denied it for a long time but finally because of my children made the decision to leave.
I was wondering how many of you have contacted past lovers after leaving your marriage. I have been on a journey for some reason and have reunited with more than one since my divorce. It has been a healing process although very painful. Each time I meet up with a past lover I go through the pain of the break up all over again. I have finally figured out that I have been trying to go back in time as I know the past and am afraid to go forward and develop a new relationship because of trust issues. Just last month I met up with a guy I dated through high school. We broke up because my parents objected to us dating because he was of another race. He is married and always held a torch for me. I was at a trade show in my home town 3,000 miles away from where I live now. He picked me up at the airport and the day I left he drove me to the airport after stopping by his house. He is doing well for himself and gave me the grand tour. He also got out the photo albums where he had photos of us. After I got home I wondered why he took me to his house. Was he trying to show me the lifestyle I could have had? He knows that I am not very well off. I found it confusing. I also found looking at the photos of us very painful and wished we could have spent more time together although I realize that he is married and don't want to interfere with that situation. I emailed him when I got back asking him to stay in touch and thanking him for the drive etc. but he has not emailed me back. I also find this confusing because he wanted to see me and insisted on picking me up and driving me to the airport and then he doesn't keep in touch. Any thoughts. Also just thought a new post on this subject would create some interesting stories from others as it is often a dangerous thing to reconnect especially if there are unresolved feelings. That said it can also help you to work through unfinished business and move on.
Stories anyone?
KATE

Katebcca, its probably a good thing he didn't email you because and correct me if I'm wrong but you said he was married right? We have a women right now in here posting that is torn nearly apart by her supposedly good husband emailing an old flame or ex and she is devastated, that is cheating on his and the other womans part. I doubt you'd want to be guilty of causing another woman to suffer while you take a stroll down memory lane. What may appear innocent to you can cause irreprable harm in anothers marriage. Remember there is NO going back in time and why would you want to. Start over and put your energy into going forward.

[ July 15, 2005, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I agree with Chatty, Kate. I think the past gives insight, but live in the NOW. I think looking up old flames gives you a sense of feeling loved, because you knew you WERE loved by these men THEN...and obviously, your EX didn't give you this.

But messing in the lives of married couples is a no win situation. I'm wondering if you have taken the time to know yourself and what you really want/need before you go from one old flame to another? My guess is that you will find your needs have changed since the "good old days."

I hope you do find what you are looking for Kate, truly I do. Some have said when they quit looking, it was there. Could be? Maybe?

My best, JJ

Katebcca, I'm reasonably happily married, but a few years ago I had a major breakdown. I had to leave work, spiralled into major depression, and eventually became totally unable to see any good in my life. I became obsessed with trying to find out why "nobody loved me" anymore (when in fact, it was ME who didn't love me anymore).

So I started writing letters and emails to people from my past asking them point-blank why they had stopped loving me and why they didn't care about me anymore. It was (in my mind) an honest attempt to find out what was wrong with me so I could fix it...but as sincere as my intentions were, the sad reality is that some of those letters did some damage on the other end.

Spouses weren't so understanding of this emotionally needy person from the past creeping back into their spouse's lives like that, and looking back, I cringe at my approach and audacity, even though at the time it seemed like the right thing to do for my sanity and health. It wasn't. It was selfish, intrusive, passive aggressive and hurtful, and I will probably never be on the same positive level of friendship with some of those people as I was before I tried to re-establish that connection. Most of these people were men, former boyfriends. None of them had been lovers (I was celibate into my late-thirties), but I was still trying to reconnect with them on an intimate level...to be fair to myself I was looking for spiritual/kindred spirit intimacy, not physical intimacy...but their spouses couldn't know that and had problems interpreting my poetic style of expressing myself and my neediness for answers.

Anyway, it wasn't the right thing for me to have done. I can't take it back or make it right again, but I CAN strongly suggest that you LET IT GO. Don't pursue this married friend of yours. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. Find the answers you need right there within yourself. And trust me, if anything was/is meant to happen with this guy, it would have/will happen, in its own right time, and in its own positive way. He's where he's meant to be at this moment in time and you are where you're meant to be. Move on from where you are and find your way back into your OWN life, not back into his right now.

That's my humble opinion.

[ July 15, 2005, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Kate, I must agree with Chatty, JJ and Eagle. He is married. That says it all.

Plus- Each day is a new opportunity to grow, learn and thrive for the best. If we try to live in the past, we will never enjoy the present.

Try put yourself in his wife's shoes... Would you like the past disturbing your present ? In all things treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself .

God bless you!

Dear Kate, I understand your longing. I've been there too. I do have a story to tell, but will do so later. When I was going through a rocky period in my current marriage, I fantasized about a former boyfriend. My counselor told me that fantasy arises to fulfill the needs that are not being met in real time. I had a positive experience when reuniting with a high school boyfriend, and all parties (my husband, his girlfriend) were involved in the reunion after 27 years. I don't have time to go into it now. But I do agree with all that has been posted in response to your post. And you have insight: "I have finally figured out that I have been trying to go back in time as I know the past and am afraid to go forward and develop a new relationship because of trust issues." Go forward cautiously, but go forward. Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, when I saaw the topic I thought it was you who started it. Aren't you going to see an old flame on a trip soon?

Also, I was talking with a friend recently who shared she was going to see an old flame. She's happily married, but was still excited to lay eyes on him, see what he's up to, who he's married to, etc.

Kate, I hope you'll post again soon. I think you've gotten some insightful information from the gals.

Hi Dotsie, yes, this old flame is picking me up at the airport when I go to the writer's conference in Vermont. I don't have fantasies about him, or long for him, or pine away regretting lost years. My place is with my husband, and the old bf's place is where ever he happens to be in that moment. It's a long story of how we got reconnected. There was nothing surrepticious about the reunion. For years, whenever he came to mind, I would use this affirmation: "I release ***** to his destiny. I am now able to claim and complete my own." I could not have guessed that the destiny was to reconnect. My exbf has a girlfriend of @7 years. She was 37 and he was 51 when he had his FIRST child! Whenever my husband and I are having a friendly fight, I tell him, "You better be nice to me or I'l go live with ****" (meaning the ex-bf.) My husband and I are so secure with each other that we can joke. Eagle, I am so sorry you subjected yourself to tough love. I am sad that you were in such despair and longing. I hope their responses were more about what they loved in you and less about what they didn't. My ex bf saw through my layers of self-loathing to my soul, and for a brief while we had a connection. My husband received a phone call from his ex wife several years ago. I realized how mature and secure I'd become because her call was like a fly I just wanted to swat away. Love and Light, Lynn

Thanks everyone. I do want to make it very clear that when we were together neither of us behaved in a way that his wife would have disapproved of.
We did not flirt at all. I was just caught off guard after returning home from my trip by some fairly heavy emotions. I am sure that seeing the photo album of us together is what did it. I don't want to break up his family or cause his wife any distress. I actually felt guilty because I had hurt him so long ago and felt bad. But I was young and foolish then with little life experience. I have lived in the past too long and had been going back to get answers. I think I am finished with the past, I think now I can leave what happened where it needs to stay. I agree with JJ "looking up old flames gives you a sense of feeling loved, because you knew you WERE loved by these men THEN...and obviously, your EX didn't give you this"
All in all going back was necessary for me to move forward, that is what this original post was about. Sometimes although dangerous if you have unfinished business you have to go back. Not everyone needs closure but I'm the type of person who does. I understand how reuniting with an old flame can cause major damage to a marriage but I don't think that is the case with my situation. I thing my old boyfriend and I needed to heal and hopefully by meeting that is what we did.
I'm finished with the past though. It is time to move forward. After being on my own for 10 years hopefully I can make new memories. If I can just learn to let my guard down a little I may even meet someone and allow myself to be loved.
Thanks again, and I will continue to post as this is a great group....I can tell :-)

Hi Kate, yes, I hope you do continue to post. I completely understand your statements about unfinished business and closure. I was in the process of learning that I had cancer when my thoughts went to who I wanted to see before I died. And my thoughts went to that former boyfriend. We had no closure when we were young...None at all! Just a lot of an inability to communicate. He saw love and light in me when I had none for myself. I will always appreciate that. And had I had any ability to love, I would have loved him. Now that I have experienced true, unconditional love, I was able to see him, finish our unfinished business, gain clarity, and closure. My husband does not need closure, but he understood my need at the time. He said that if my seeing my ex was important to me, then it was important to him, too. And it was important to the ex bf too. It wasn't all about me. And I see that this meeting of your ex bf was not all about you, either. I believe you had to go through these heavy emotions in order to progress in your healing. It seems harmless enough to me, for the both of you. Love and Light, Lynn

Kate, you sound as if you are in a healthy place to me with your emotions and if that is what it took to bring you to this point, then good for you gal! I think alot of people aren't smart enough to work thru it all like you have...

My best, JJ

kate, thanks for coming back. Your mention of letting your guard down some seems to be someting many boomer women are experiencing. I think you have been so protective of yourself and three children for the past ten years that it's hard to switch gears. But remember, that was a mechanism that was needed at the time. Now maybe it's time to step out a little. How are are your children?

This post made me go back in time and try to think of one old boyfriend I'd like to see again. None, zilch, zero. I've been able to email and correspond through my high school website and that's fine but when I get an old flame trying to contact me, I don't answer. You can always tell when they want to reconnect for other reasons beside friendship, right?

I think you have a grip on this. Sounds like you just had to work through it.

Yes, I have spent many years working on my issues but mainly being there for my children. Two are doing really well 12 and 13 the eldest is 20 and has been a drug addict for the past five years. I have been going through hell doing the tough love thing on my own, trying not to enable, in and out of counselling etc. This is a very long story. The good thing is he has been to a couple of treatment centres in the past few months and is trying to stay off the drugs. It's a tough habit to beat. Up until five months ago I would drive around downtown looking for him and take him to detox or the hospital. He was going down hill fast and I saw the danger signs. Fortunatly for me most times he agreed to go with me. The hospitals don't do much even though at times he could hardly walk. He was also affected by the unhealthy marriage. My other two were very young when I left. They are well adjusted, do well in school and are involved in sports, music programs etc. I did take them to counselling in the early years too. They don't remember us as a 'family' (with my husband)
As for trust issues I do have them and the door has been totally closed in the men department. I needed to do alot of counselling and soul searching myself before even thinking about getting involved with another man. I did not trust myself and I am a care -taker by nature and am prone to taking on fixer upper type men. As I've learned that is only a way to avoid working on myself. I'm fairly healthy now but am aware that I can still attract the wrong type of man. I think that is why I went into the past to try to figure out how I married an abusive husband and why I stayed so long. Going back and looking at past relationships before I was married have given me some clues as to the choices I have made. The biggest problem has been that I was sexually abused by a trusted neighbor and in my later teen years I allowed men to use and abuse me. The tragedy for my eldest son is he was also sexually abused by a baseball coach when he was 8.
He also has severe ADD and was not accepted at school. He was teased, has alot of pain and because he wasn't accepted by his peers (did not fit in)he turned to drugs and alcohol. His dad turned his back on him which is so sad as he too was an alcoholic and could have really helped him. My son resents his father and doesn't know what to do with his anger and resentment. He is getting help for that too. I think he will be ok as he has a good heart but the road ahead for him will not be an easy one. My counselling has taught me that only he can change and I am working on treating him like an adult rather than a child. Now I try to empower him by letting him know he can do it rather than always treating him like he is helpless. We have come along way.
Thanks for asking about my children. I plan to step out more and try to take care of me.

Hello Kate, I am so sorry for what you and your children have been through. I'm glad to hear the younger children are doing okay. What can I say about your older son? I was him when I was 20. Sexual abuse can do that to a person. You have great insight, such as how tending to others is one way of avoiding your self, and how the pattern of abuse begins when one is abused in childhood. You might be interested in the interviews conducted on www.worldtalkradio.com on Wednesdays during the Breaking the Silence segment. This is an internet access "radio" show where authors, speakers, survivors, advocates talk about abuse and its ramifications. Funny, when I finished that sentence I realized that is all of me: author, speaker, survivor, advocate...Please feel free to PM me if/when you want. One thing I can say is that my mother and step father gave up on me, and I did all the work for my healing by myself. I can tell you will never give up on your son. I wish you and your children lots of love and light, Lynn

Kate, The only reason I can begin to imagine what you've gone through and continue to go through is from having read Lynn's book (Beyond the Tears). My heart aches for the harsh roads you've traveled, and so much of it on your own. I can understand your need to go back to the past to find clues and closure...that was my need too, but I didn't go about it nearly as thoughtfully as you did.

I hope that one of the ways that you plan to "step out more and try to take care of me" is to continue to come here and find safe respite and listening hearts that care. The one thing we're all learning here is how much we're enriched and blessed by the unique light of experienced wisdom and hard-won insight each one of us shines into this sisterhood...I look forward to more glimpses of Kate.

This is sooo strange. I just joined this forum today because of feeling stuck on past loves. I have been single along time (10+ years) but I still remain very good friends with a sister of an old boyfriend. This week she had sent out an e-mail to her family and friends with good news concerning a health issue with her children. I was thrilled to hear the news but somehow I starting getting all her replies (she comes from a VERY large family) I was strange to get all kinds of emails from brothers and sisters and neices...I think it made me sad because he was really the road not taken for me. We were very young and immature. We have remained friends, not close but friends. He's married and has been for 15 years, his wife is a sweetheart and always very kind to me. To make a long story short he called me TODAY, of all days. Just to talk. It was nice to hear from him but in the back of my head I thought of the responses I had read earlier about contacting old loves because we knew they loved us once. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like this post helped me to keep it in perspective and not go to some fanasty place with it. He is very happily married and I am just glad we are able to be friends. It is nice to know someone who knew me when I was young (and stupid)it helps me connect to that part of my life. Thank you for just letting me blab..I will definatley be checking back in for more inspiration and support! Pam

God Bless you Pampam for using good common sense and remaining only friends with this man. We here are all always very happy when something we've written inspires or guides someone to do the right thing, you have shown yourself to be of high moral character. If you are meant to have love from a man once again, he will materalize when least expected....

Hi. I love the way Eagle writes: "by the unique light of experienced wisdom and hard-won insight each one of us shines into this sisterhood" Eagle, we are so enriched by your posts, insights, sharing, relating, and caring! Luv U! PamPam, isn't that some coincidence that you started reading here and the phone calls were coming in! I like what you said about hearing from him helps you connect with that part of my life. I'll be in New England (Vermont) in August. Love and Light, Lynn

I think the end of a relationship results in a grief reaction much like a death. And as in a death, we need closure in some way. The funeral can be a closure and sometimes there are other ways such as memorial services, but for a lost relationship, culture offers no closure.

Maybe these harmless meetings are a going back that is a form of closure only longed for in the death of a loved one. How many of us wouldn't go back to meet a loved one lost to death jues to say goodbye. Maybe these reunions are truly harmless and something we need to put it all behind up and move on.

I have a whole different story to tell about a love that was never lost and never died even at the death of the lover, It's a tragic story but I'm not ready to talk yet. Maybe later.

We all have to do what we have to do to survive. And as boomers, we can only protect the wife sister who did not post, but needs our love and we also have to support the boomer who has the guts to post. Not easy.
smile

smile

Sometimes the meetings are harmless, sometimes deep feelings you don't expect come up and if the person is married you really have to deal with these feelings on your own. It was difficult for me to not express them to my former boyfriend but because he was married I felt I could not go there. On my own I did manage to work through them and came out the other side with a much better perspective, it had to be done.
I do understand that we have to grieve the loss. Often times we don't do this and years later it comes back to haunt us and we feel the need to reconnect with the lost love if only to have closure. Thanks for all the nice comments about my situation with my son etc. It has been a very long difficult journey. Facing it on my own has made me stronger. A blessing.

"I hope that one of the ways that you plan to "step out more and try to take care of me" is to continue to come here and find safe respite and listening hearts that care" Thank you Eagleheart, I so appreciate this. It is not often that we can go to a place where we feel safe and not judged.
Another blessing.
Kate

I think this is a good representation of returning to the familiar. The unknown is so scary and there is a connection with someone from the past. It's not like a first date where you have to get to know someone. You have a history and that brings comfort.

Okay, friends, I have a question: is this a test or is it trust? My husband was with me when we met up with my former b.f. and his g.f. (They now have a 3 year old son.) We all went out to dinner a couple of times, and we all got along well. In fact, if we lived close, we would all be friends. Next month, I am going to Vermont to a writer's conference, where b.f. lives. My husband suggested that I have b.f. pick me up at the airport. My husband knows that I do not like to travel solo. He knows that I need reliable and familiar faces to get around. So, I wrote b.f. letter and he (b.f.) agrees that he can pick me up at the airport, and he even asked me if I wanted to stay at his house during the conference. I already paid for the dorm room. Now I am wondering if my husband was testing me, thinking I should say, "No, I don't want b.f. to pick me up," or just trusting me. I think trusting me. My husband is fairly secure, and nothing can or will "happen" between b.f. and I. Kate, yes, sometimes deep feelings can come up that we have to deal with. The question for me was whether or not these feelings were relevant to the here and now or filtered through the lens of the past. I was not able to grieve anything from my childhood until I was in my forties. Seeing b.f. was all about the closure, but it also opened us up to friendship. The main question in When Harry Met Sally was: can women and men be open to just being friends, or do all relationships have to fall into a romantic mode? And if the romantic mode fails, does the entire relationship have to end, or can the parties be friends? The g.f. is 13 or 14 years younger then my ex b.f. and to my knowledge they have not married. He has never been married. I like her very much. Love and Light, Lynn

Smile, I am sorry for your tragic story. We'll be here when you are ready. You know, I was just thinking that my need for closure is not all about romantic relationships. You see, I want to know when my sister with Down syndrome died, for example. Solving the mysteries of my family has been healing for me, and has allowed me to move forward, not backward. Although, I guess there is a danger with lost lovers because of the chemistry that was involved. Oh well, me thinks me thinks too much. LLL

Those are tough questions. I am not sure (not knowing your husband if this was a test) It sounds to me like he trusts you and thinks it might be nice for you to not be totally alone while your away, but that's just my take on it. I think the danger comes in when there is an attraction and both of you are questioning your marriage. People in basically happy marriages would hopefully not go there. Because you were intimate in the past and we all have our memories some feelings may sneak up on you but I think they will be based on past feelings. Then confusion would set in big time.
As far as being friends with the opposite sex, I think it's possible but it takes a certin personality type. I have men friends and at a weak moment I may find them attractive and may look at them differently. Although these feelings never last. I have had a dream about someone I work with and I wake up thinking about them in a different way and actually look at them differently especially if it was a sexual dream although it is usually just for that day. I think we can talk ourselves into anything especially when we are in an unhealthy place. So....yes you can be just friends with the opposite sex/former boyfriend but it's not possible for some people and even if it is, things change, feelings change, you just have to be aware of it and always act with respect, especially if there is a wife in the picture. I was attracted to my ex but could keep a handle on it. The attraction was based on our past relationship, not on the here and now which is what I finally figured out.
If both your marriages are stable there is nothing to be worried about. Just watch out as some feelings may crop up when you least exect them. All marriages are vulnerable to this.
Kate

Hi Kate, thanks for the response. When I got out of the car and walked toward that former b.f. after not seeing him for 27 years, we embraced, and he was trembling. I didn't think I still had that effect on men! I appreciate your response, and that you brought up this topic as food for thought. As you can see, many of us have been in your similar position. There's a lot to learn, isn't there? Love and Light, Lynn

I saw an old boyfriend at a high school reunion years ago. Nothing there for me but his wife was just insanely jealous. It was so stupid. We were sweethearts when we were 15! She really made a fool of herself. I couldn't understand it. Sadly, he died last year but he had divorced her before he died so maybe he got some peace.

I don't even attend reunions for that very reason, old jealous girlfriends and old boyfriends with new weird wives. If they knew how I feel about the average man they certainly wouldn't worry about me for one second. I was a wild and gorgeous thing and had so many boyfriends chasing me and loved every minute of it. My poor mom and dad had weak hearts because on my shinanigins. I was a virgin but built like a trolup and loved to dance and also was a cheerleader. Had only a few girlfriends even then who really knew me, yawn!!

How many of you had old boyfriends that you met again at a reunion, and now the old boyfriends had new BOYfriends? LLL

Good question, lynn. I haven't been to any school reunion from my school because we never had one. Isn't that odd? I'd like to get our class together at least. Maybe when we all retire.
I have a past love who has remained a good friend. We catch up on our news about each other. Neither spouse has a problem with this. We are friends and that's all we want from each other. We don't email or write. When I visit home, we may or may not run in to each other. Small town so it's easy to do. If it happens, we go for coffee and chat for an hour. We missed each other on my last visit.

chick

[ July 21, 2005, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

My ex brother in law was one of those guys, Chick! And I also have a close male friend from school that emails me all the time. Neither spouses are worried about it. We were nothing but running, getting into trouble friends. We'd probably get into trouble to this day if we got together.

Hey Chatty. I was a cheerleader too.

Hi Chick, I'm glad to hear about past loves that can be friends without any jealousy or resentment rearing its head. Somebody in a high school class has to take the initiative for the reunion committee. LLL