I'm here, Dotsie. It's hard to explain where "here" is. Still recovering from the huge energy drain of Christmas week, and trying to recharge the batteries to meet the needs for the upcoming chemo marathon. Juggling grocery shopping, meal preparations, laundry and housework for two households, as well as hubby's emotional needs and trying not to feel overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness.

Then there's the whole spiritual struggle - praying that God's will be done, but praying even harder that His will is to let my brother live. Yes, I'm begging. Remember the story of the woman who kept pestering the judge until he finally (in exasperation) gave her what she wanted? Well, that's me. I believe that God can/will heal my brother if He wants to...so I feel honour-bound to keep knocking on His door with all of the reasons why He should want to...I'm probably exasperating to Him, but what can He expect??? I'm not ready to give up and let go without a fight. And if God knows me and loves me as much as I believe He does, He would expect nothing less.

I think the denial and refusal to give up is probably part of the grieving process. I believe my brother will survive this, but I still grieve the hardship and struggle he's going through to get to that other side. It's hard to sit by and watch his body be tortured by these toxic medicines and not be able to bring him comfort and pain relief.

But other than all of that, I'm okay.