Startingover,

Sorry i have been out of the loop and not in touch for a few weeks...my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer over Thanksgiving, and has had two strokes and a heart attack since Christmas.I've been back east with my kids trying to spend time with him and help out in general, and we are going back this weekend for more of the same. If i were any more tired i would need help breathing.

I too will be praying for you on the 6th. I agree with Dr. Karen that the level of manipulation and intimidation applied by some men is unbelievable but that it is often tantamount to posturing like a peacock, sometimes without any substance to back it up. Many of these men have no sense of decency (duh - we already knew that, or we wouldn't be in the position we are in...right?) but I have recently come to the conclusion that even more of them are so insecure with themselves that they are genuinely incapable of putting anyone's needs or situation above their own. Men like this need to win always. No matter what the consequence or level of destruction they impose on somebody else. A good friend of mine told me that ever since her divorce experience she believes that for some men parting with money for support of any kind is on a par with asking them to cut off their penis. It's all about power and their sense of masculinity, which based on what I've been reading about your husband, sounds like it's been a topic of confusion for him for some time. Be that as it may, I do agree with smilinize about getting your documents organized and being well prepared. It can't hurt, and it can only solidify your position in court.

On a personal added note about some men not being able to put anyone's needs ahead of their own: my husband is now fighting me on taking our children to see their dying grandfather (to whom they are very close) and has even expressed his insistence that they should not attend his funeral when the time comes. "Too expensive", he said. "Besides, they've already seen him one more time, and that should be enough closure for them." How do you argue with someone like that? The kids were justifiably horrified and finally angry enough with him to want to blast him for his insensitivity. Believe it or not, I was able somehow to step in and be the voice of reason (clarity in fatigue?). I told the children to calm down and try not to be offended by their dad's remarks because he is not saying this to them because he is mean or evil: it's just that he is no more able to empathize or feel any emotion than he is able to change the color of his eyes, and that is just plain sad. He just doesn't get it, and after this incident i finally realize that he never will. Neither, from the sound of things, will yours. He is too obsessed with lashing out at you for what sounds like what is a great deal of embarassment and confusion of his own, and you are simply a convenient person to take it out on. He is not a well person, and i almost feel sorry for him because he is about to lose someone he cannot even begin to appreciate.You need to do whatever is necessary to survive this divorce and move on, without being nasty and vindictive, which i believe would weaken your ability to think straight when you need to. You hang in there, girl, and know that you have the love and support of so many of us who will be thinking about you and sending the most positive of thoughts your way.

foundhervoice-atlast