Wow! Truer words have never been spoken, JJ!

I felt exactly like you did at first. For 20+ years the spermdonor (he-who-shall-no-longer-be-properly-named)kept telling me what a good guy he was. A friend of mine who was a therapist prior to children and subsequent divorce cued me that a person who is genuinely good does not need to advertise it. Good point. I'll admit that for years his claim confused me. I kept thinking, if he is such a good guy, what is wrong with me for not seeing it? Hmmm. We all know the answer to that one!

Well the gig is up. whenever he wants something from me or is planning something nasty behind my back that he wants to zing me with in court he changes his tone of voice and drips sugar. He fluctuates back and forth between that and giving me the cold shoulder. How obvious is that? Maybe he's been bi-polar all these years and I didn't know it? Nah.

The other thing my girlfriend told me is something that i want to share with all of you who may be going through this heartache, especially if you have children. She told me to consider that the reason a son (or daughter, I guess?)is better off having a relationship with his father even if he is a no-good-lying-you-know-what is because the father will probably revert back to the uninvolved parent he was before the divorce eventually because it is impossible to keep up the pretense forever, and the child will figure things out for himself if given half a chance. Material bribes will only take your child so far (I hope!)But in order for that to happen, you cannot interfere. Even if this means your child's feelings will get hurt. I spent upwards of 15 years trying to cover up the ex's uninvolvement with his children, and make up for everything he should have been feeling for them or doing with them. As a wise woman recently told me, how the heck will my kids ever figure out who their dad is if I am constantly covering up for him?

As far as what kind of influence will a bad dad have on his children she reminded me that if nothing else, my kids will have a glaring up-front-and-in-their-face-example of what kind of father they do not want to grow up to be. I found that strangely reassuring. If that makes me a bad person, then mea culpa. It could be worse. At least I'm not bad-mouthing him to them.

foundhervoice-atlast