Hi everyone...I'm in the middle of a divorce and very frustrated. After being married for nearly 20 years, my husband who professed to be very happy with me, filed for divorce after we saw a marriage counselor (at my insistence),and after a few sessions the counselor told him that most of our problems were not insurmountable but that he needed individual therapy because he was on total disconnect from his feelings and was oblivious to how emotionally abusive he was to me and our children. I guess it was easier for him to go through the divorce process than it would have been for him to accept that he was flawed and needed help. It's been very hard for me to accept that kind of rejection, especially after twenty years of making so many personal sacrifices in order to keep our family together. He filed for divorce in June just as soon as we separated, but I recently found out that the jerk had been planning this divorce for some time and had taken precautions to hide assets and become unemployed in order to avoid paying spousal and child support. I guess that's why he went straight for a divorce instead of for counseling and a trial separation. Do I feel like a fool or what?

I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past 17 years as we both agreed that one of us should stay home and be the primary caregiver, even though it meant quite the financial sacrifice. At the time he nominated me of course, even though I was earning slightly more money than he was and was very nervous about suddenly giving up my career and becoming financially dependent upon him. (My mom had warned me about such things...) Our second child was born only 21 months after our first, as I was an older mom and afraid that my biological clock would time out before very long. Tragically the child had severe medical problems at birth and became chronically ill as he got older. He would take ill for long periods of time and would miss a great deal of school. I worked with him at home to make up the work he missed, and he was constantly at risk of being left behind. It became clear that I would not be able to work outside of the home until his condition improved. Now that my son has thankfully recovered and is in good health 15 years later due to my tireless efforts in researching his condition and searching for medical help all over the U.S. - with zero support or concern from his dad, I might add, I am in one heck of a position, since I am no longer qualified to work in the field I was previously in (high-tech) unless I get some major re-education. The soon-to-be-ex-husband insists that I get a job asap and has concentrated his attorney's efforts in reminding me that Colorado law states that any mom whose children are over the age of thirty months is required by law to seek full-time employment; he does not care that I can only earn minimum wage at the present time. I have an interview tomorrow at the mall for a sales job that pays $8 an hour. He, on the other hand, has quite a lot of money socked away (not that he voluntarily disclosed it mind you...)as well as the potential to earn a six-figure income himself. I am six years older than him and at 52 years old I am terrified of becoming a poverty statistic. I have not even allowed myself to mourn the loss of the relationship itself as I am trying to concentrate on my anger in order to motivate myself to figure a way out of this predicament. One of my friends (who recently lost custody of her own children due to a conniving ex-husband who left her penniless with three children to support)advised me to "divorce" my emotions for now, as there will always be time for me to cry, but right now I need to keep my wits about me and protect myself and my children for the future. I know that my sons love me but right now they are quite happy to finally be getting attention from their Disneyland father, who up until now would not give them the time of day. We are doing a 7 and 7 split: they spend 7 days with me and then 7 days with their father. I hate the way it has devastated them and turned their lives upside down and I myself feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest, but I also recognise that boys have a psychological need for a male role model - no matter how lousy a model it may be. I guess it would be even more traumatic for them to be rejected by by their father...although I suspect that when the dust settles their father will lose interest in them and pay little attention to them again.

Anyway, if there is someone out there who can offer me some advice, I would sure appreciate it. I don't want to turn into a permanently angry, bitter woman, but sometimes it is hard to see beyond this. Especially since the lout is trying to pull one over on me and must think I am the most stupid person in the world. He has misinterpreted my efforts to shield the children from any additional arguing as a sign of my weakness. As my attorney said, in divorce women want to be fair but men want to win. Any help out there? I have lost over twenty pounds, cannot get more than three or four hours sleep a night and am physically and emotionally exhausted... Thanks for reading this.