Today hubby and I were doing some more Christmas shopping (almost done), and I decided to drop into the VON headquarters office that's located in that mall. (VON is the Victoria Order of Nurses - they provide a wide array of home care services). My brother was confused about whether or not he's still under their care since nobody's visited him since the end of September (and I kept forgetting to phone). Anyway, the co-ordinator of my brother's care network met with me. I don't know what set me off, but I began sobbing uncontrollably right there in the waiting room while she was giving me the phone number of my brother's actual caseworker. I was so embarrassed, but she took me into her office and made the phone call that will hopefully help my brother get some in-home care. Not that I want to relinquish any of what I'm doing for him, but it would be so helpful if someone could go in once or twice a week to cook him a meal.

We're looking into Meals on Wheels as another option, perhaps for the month or so after he finishes chemo (in February) but we think that a real live person would be better for him right now.

The sobbing gave me a clear indication of just how stressed I really am...not so much because of my brother, but all of the other things going on in our lives right now, including "Christmas anxiety", or maybe it would be more accurate to call it "in-law anxiety!".

Sometimes, caring for my brother is actually an oasis of calm for me, but the time-demands of everything else going on (very energy-draining) at the same time seems to be what's overwhelming me.

I've been trying to find a spare hour or two to go and get my hair done - it's a mess. I finally called but because of having to work it around chemo, doctor and other family commitments, I can't get an appt until the 18th.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. Just thinking that it's not easy to just stop and get off the roller coaster. I guess we have to try and find those small pockets of calm amidst the chaos of whatever ride we're stuck on. Stress, in-law anxiety, family commitments, time obligations, expectations, grief, sadness - some of us are bombarded by too much at once and it does threaten to steal our joy and energy. I cried some of it out in that VON's arms today, but I guess I'll have to find better ways to ground myself while this roller coaster continues to throw me around the curves.