Tell me what you think:

A befuddled generation of boomer men

By Steve Penner


Many years ago, perhaps a few million or so, around the time when man began to walk upright, "dating" consisted primarily of a man bonking a woman over the head with his club and dragging her into his cave.

And "marriage" (or whatever grunt-like term was used back then) involved men hunting and fishing for food, while women spent their waking hours cleaning the cave, tending the fire, washing animal skins, watching the kids, and waiting for hubby to come home so she could cook the family dinner. (Except for the kids, it sounds like a typical episode of "Survivor," doesn't it?)

While dating evolved quite a bit over the eons, the "marriage" part pretty much stayed the same, until, oh, about the 1970s!

Yes, the decade of the '70s was a tumultuous time of change for men and women, as gender roles were in the midst of a tremendous upheaval. Inspired in part by the 1963 publication of Betty Freidan's "The Feminine Mystique" and the birth of Ms. Magazine in 1971, many female baby boomers were burning their bras and untying their apron strings. They did not want to just stay at home and cook, clean, and do the laundry. They wanted to pursue careers and (to use a colloquial phrase of the day) "do their own thing."

Some male boomers went right along with these changes in traditional gender roles. After all, the women's movement of the 1960s and 1970s was a natural progression from the civil rights and anti-war movements. Those guys who strongly identified with the "counterculture generation" readily rejected all types of stereotypes.

But many other boomer men, especially those who were already married at the time, were caught totally off-guard. After all, most boomer guys were raised by mothers who were stay-at-home housewives.

Being members of the first generation to grow up in front of television sets, as young boys and teenagers they watched June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, Harriet Nelson, Donna (Reed) Stone and Laura Petrie play happy, contented housewives all agreeing that "father knows best." Even Carol Brady chose to be a stay-at-home mom, although Alice the housekeeper was always around to cook, clean, shop and lend child-rearing advice.

(Okay, Lucy did desperately want a career in show biz, but that was portrayed as part of her overall "wackiness." Normal Ethel was quite content to stay home.)

So, many men who got married during the 1960s and 1970s found themselves caught up in a tidal wave of change. It was one thing to protest the war in Vietnam or to strongly agree that African-Americans should not have to sit in the back of the bus. Those events were occurring hundreds and thousands of miles away.

But at home, when their wives told them to fold their own underwear and share the other household chores, some boomer men were taken aback. And when the "little woman" (interesting phrase you don't hear much anymore) who had majored in college in home economics or ancient Greek literature announced she wanted to return to school or pursue a career, many husbands were truly befuddled.

As a result many marriages collapsed. According to U.S. Census reports, the divorce rate skyrocketed 250 percent between 1960 and 1980! Were married couples in the 1950s any happier? Not necessarily, but men and women just accepted their societal pre-ordained roles. Couples stayed together, because, well, that's what couples did during the "Eisenhower years" and actually for centuries before.

In 1982, shortly after getting divorced myself, I started my dating service. Throughout the 1980s I interviewed hundreds of recently divorced boomer men. Many were almost shell-shocked. They never dreamed that they would ever find themselves single and having to start dating again.

Gradually I saw men's attitudes toward working women begin to evolve, albeit somewhat slowly. I stopped hearing such statements as "No wife of mine will ever work" or "I don't know why women can't just be happy staying home."

Yes, divorced boomer men decided that they were ready to meet women with careers. But their strong preference was to meet women in "traditional" female, nurturing jobs. In a Boston Globe article published in 1989, I was quoted as saying that "the easiest-to-match woman is a nurse or a teacher — The perception is that they are bright — but not hardened." I noted there was very little demand for corporate vice presidents or lawyers.

Eventually, men began to adjust to women having careers, and the divorce rate began to drop. Having peaked in the years from 1979-1983, it slowly returned to previous levels. Believe it or not, by 2004 the divorce rate was exactly the same as it was in 1972.

But the poor divorced boomer men had been caught in the middle of a revolutionary change. Of course, the women's movement advanced and flourished over time, and today women hold jobs in all fields. I recently read that women actually outnumber men in law schools throughout the country.

What I find most fascinating are the attitudes of young men today, many of whom are the children of those failed boomer marriages. When interviewing guys, who are now in their 20s and early 30s, I discovered a majority actually stated they strongly preferred meeting educated women.

In another Boston Globe article, this one published in 2002, I was quoted as reporting that younger men now say, "I'm looking for women who are professional and somewhat independent."

Yes, a young June Cleaver might have to go out and get a job if she wanted to find a husband today.

Steve Penner was owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. "The Truth About Dating" reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. Steve welcomes feedback at pennerst@hotmail.com or through his Web site at www.thetruthaboutdating.com.


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