Dots, as you know, my family is in the midst of a pretty traumatic crisis. I have three teenagers all in one state of emotional crisis of another at any given moment. Emphasizing that the kids are in no way responsible for the problem is critical, but unfortunately, by nature kids believe that they are at the center of their universe, thus are responsible for everything.
According to my kids, they don't want to hear excuses for their parents' behaviors they just want the behaviors to stop. In their minds, it is the adult's responsibility to act like an adult...that adult's have no business changing the status quo. All we can do is explain to them that what used to be "normal" is no longer possible and a new version of "normal" must be created. Encourage the child to participate in the creation of a new "normal". That is what we are working on at my house....a new normal!