Hi all,
After seeing my doctor three times in two weeks she suggested I go on anti-depressants for a period of time. I hate medication and was on anti-depressants for five years while I was married. They just helped me to stay in a bad marriage. It took me a while to get off them but I did it. I've been taking St. John's Wort ever since and they kept me stable. The stress I have been under and the deep depression I have been in became too much. I was not there for my other two children at home. I basically stared at the computer all day at work, went home and went straight to bed. Stayed there until bedtime, then went to sleep for the night. My kids were taking care of themselves. They are teens but do still need their Mom. I could barely function. I gave in to the doctor mainly because of them. I had also not been straight with her about what I was going through but came clean on the third visit.
My younger son was getting more depressed seeing me so depressed. I guess I was basically grieving the loss of my son. Letting him go (having no contact) seemed like a death, even though he is still here.
My doctor says because I am prone to depression that this is the only way for now. I start back at counselling on Monday. So, I guess it's all good as I am helping myself which in turn is helping my children. It's day two on Welbutrin. I feel a little weird but have a much better attitude even after such a short time. Mainly I realize now that I have been thinking of my son as a little boy still. I forget that he is a man at 22. I have been driving myself crazy with worry thinking of him as a little boy out there all alone suffering. When I think of him as a little boy the guilt and worry are exaggerated. What helped was to think back on a time when I was that age. It made me realize that he is capable of taking care of himself, even in his druggy state. I need to let him go for now so he can learn to depend on himself and not be so dependant on me. So, I'm feeling better already but not happy that I am medicated. I'd do anything for my children though and need to be able to function so here I am. I only hope that my stay on this medication is for a short period of time.
Kate