I'm having a really bad time of this. I have not heard from my son in almost two weeks. No one has. I'm riddled with guilt and am thinking the worst, that he killed himself. Logically I know it's not my fault, but emotionally I feel like it is. I can't focus on work and just don't care about anything. All I do is go to work get almost nothing done, then go home and sleep. I know I'm spiralling downwards real fast. I called a counseller and they hope to get me in within 5 days. I hope so as each day that goes by I get worse. I don't want to hear from him, just want to know that he is ok. He is not contacting me like I asked but not knowing is causing to me worry constantly. I just want to know that he is ok, that's all. The last thing he told me was that he had no where to do go and begged me to help him. He told me he can't take care of himself and said if I don't help him he will have no choice but to kill himself. Later at my house when he came over after my asking him to leave he went into a rage and motioned that he was going to slit his throat and make me pay for turning him away. It's sick I know and my mind is now playing games on me. I know that helping him would just continue this crazy cycle but.....?

I've been told to just move on, forget about him and take care of my other kids. That is so much easier said than done. My friend made me promise to call a counsellor today and I did. She is going to call me this afternoon to make sure. I wasn't going to meet her for coffee today as I don't feel like seeing anyone but am glad I did. Talking really helped for now as it was a distraction.
Kate