Cathy, I really feel so bad for you during this time that should be filled with happiness. As far as the shower goes, I think that etiquette is more or less thrown out of the window these days with this new generation of brides! Yes, I gave my daughter's shower, if only to help out the bridal party financially. They certainly participated with decorating, baking special cookies and their own gifts, etc. But for the most part, I was the hostess who rented the restaurant and paid for the per person price. If I recall correctly, it was probably about $25 per person. However, I will say that it was not a very large shower. We combined families - both sides and we had a total of 39 women. We DID NOT invite every woman that was to be invited to the wedding. Our family never does that. We simply invite those closest to the bride and groom. And yes, my daughter was surprised. Of course she knew she was going to have a shower on one of the weekends prior to her wedding so I am sure she had a clue. She says she was surprised, but who really knows? We had name tags on the each seat and made sure that everyone was seated next to people they knew and liked! It was lovely and I am very happy it was intimate and somewhat small. We could have had my home but thought it was too much work and we all wanted to sit and enjoy the party with everyone else invited. I live in a New York suburb, don't know if things are done differently in Illinois. I hope you can work this out and enjoy it as well.